Saturday, July 1, 2017

Oh No, Not Another Silly Post.





I was upstate the other week with my mother, doing nothing but watching the Investigation Discovery channel. One week straight, non-stop murder mysteries. At one point, I heard a rare neighbor person of some sort outside yelling and I wondered if she was being tortured or she's just really bored like me. I assume the latter. My mother always lived in the Bronx until a few years ago, when she moved to the utmost middle of nowhere. A town with very few residents, which is fine since it just means I have the best hair in the whole place regardless of humidity. It's typically quiet all around except, of course, for the sound of my mother talking. "Cand! Can you hand me the _______?!" Always have to hand her something. Or reach for something. She speaks at a volume most would call "shouting." A level I would reserve for instances such as talking to someone on the 6 train platform as it was speeding by. She doesn't get any quieter than that.
All this loud volume gets in the way of me listening to the same obsessive thoughts in my head, and that can be an annoyance, but it's an actual human connection. Something I feel I've denied myself of as well as been denied of for some time. So I'll reach for whatever it is even though I have no idea how she got it up there in the first place.
My parents have gotten older.  I went to Los Angeles for almost 7 years and was so far removed from New York that I missed out on their gradual aging process and now it just appears severe.
It can be alarming, if you let it. If anything, it signified how I had to be in New York more and spend less time trying to get LA to work for me. I had to come back, and with that, I had to deal with a lot of my past that I ran away from. In person. And that includes, my mom.

I kept myself isolated in LA for so long that I missed out on a lot of things and I don't want to anymore. Los Angeles can feel like Glengarry Glen Ross but in the form of a city. If you meet the wrong kind, it can center around a lot manipulation, deceit, domination, power struggles and greed without the need for a love story in the whole plot. Built on some sort of emotional burial ground where the restless spirits of failed actors and scorned lovers haunt the people. Many will grasp onto you if you have something to offer, or if you're associated with celebrity of any kind. I assume that's why celebrities can live there for twenty years plus. They get the good out of the masses. Meanwhile, there's those like me, who don't have fame, don't want notoriety and just moved to Los Angeles because it's another major city that is not home and is completely season-less. Everyday you wake up to a scorching white sky and trees that never go through any changes. It can sometimes feel as if you're living in a fish tank with the same backdrop. And after a while, you do sort of take on the mannuerisms of a goldfish. Just floating around, expressionless, doing nothing over and over again while waiting for something cool to happen like a kid dumping food flakes on your head or getting a gig. Many times, the people you encounter will look at you with a blank stare and not have enough interest in you to form words to come from their mouths. I've learned to accept this as it has nothing to do with me, it just means they are suffering from adrenal fatigue from all the smog and enduring years of nothing but meaningless sex and vapid chit chat. And guess what they're chit chatting about? The goddamn weather. The same weather, the same conversation. After a while, your brain just gives up and drops dead inside of your skull. I can get the same level of human connection calling Apple Care and speaking to the automated voice system, but maybe get a little more compassion because they ask me what music genre I prefer to listen to while I wait, so that's sweet.

When you spend years without establishing any sort of meaningful relationship or connection with another person, you will turn into mush.

Of course there are great people of depth there. And I love them dearly, and they think the same about the city at times. The feeling of loneliness was like nothing I've felt before. Odd thing is, it was something I always longed for since certain people in my life affected me to a point where I just didn't want to associate with anyone.

Perhaps LA and I are in a little bit of a fight right now and we're taking a break. He still has all my stuff so I don't think it's over. I'm maturing and he's still saying the same, but if one day he can communicate with me and open himself up to love, we could get back together. Besides, I met back up with New York and he still has my heart. Plus, he's good to me.

That was the most Tori Amos thing I've ever done. Right there.

Anyway, LA is great place to go to if you want to reinvent yourself, and a lot of people move there for that reason. Yet, it all comes down to this: You can't run away from who you are. It will always come back to you.

Truth is, I never knew how to cope. I turned to talk therapy, like many do out there, but you have to utilize it correctly. You have to allow yourself to dig deep and feel the trauma and get it out of your system. A lot of people naturally are uncomfortable doing so in a certain settings, especially in front of a stranger. It's a step in the right direction, but there's more that needs to be done, for I feel it's only scratching the surface. You have to re-experience the pain, and a lot of men can have a hard time dealing with this, more often if their pain comes from a father who made them feel like an inadequate male, so being emotional isn't something they're keen on. In which case, they may choose to just discuss it, and not feel anything they're saying as they're too preoccupied with how they come off discussing it. In Los Angeles terms, it's like a really shitty actor reading a monologue, failing miserably because he's just reading it and not feeling it.
Example of talk therapy gone wrong:
Man: Yeah, my dad was verbally abusive and told me I'd never amount to much because I couldn't spackle the bathroom wall when I was 9.
Therapist: Oh, how do you feel about that?
Man: I hate him. I had to make up for my lack of masculinity by ingesting endless scoops of creatine, getting a truck too big to fit into my carport, and keeping my emotions hidden from all the women I've loved and in turn, went cold on them when I felt anything.
(They wouldn't say this but this is what happened.)
Therapist: Okay. I'm going to write you a referral to a psychiatrist. I think you could really benefit from an antidepressant and something for the anxiety as well, such as a combination of Zoloft and Xanax.
Hey guy, you're still gonna be a shitty human who has to move your big, dumb truck at 6am because you're stuck with street parking, in a relationship with a woman who wants to say so much, yet feels more comfortable with fearing you at this point, sitting in the passenger seat with dead eyes. And plus you're still going to hate your dad. Difference is, you'll feel numb and have no sex drive, which will make your girlfriend feel even more special :D
And now she has accumulated her own issues because you're impossible to communicate with. Yay, fun for the whole family! I'm going to go with maybe, change your perspective on the logic. Make being a bigger man a man who deals with it.
So I suppose a lot of us are running away and dragging our baggage with us, and just infecting everyone else. Kind of like if the monkey in Outbreak was a host species for daddy issues.
You're not going to want to connect if you're carrying around a burden from another person.
With or without therapy, I already think way too much and know where the problems stem from. I firmly believe that revisiting the situation as best as you can, can give relief. No medication or discussion with someone who has no direct affiliation with the source behind the pain is going to make it better. At least in my case.

My tactic years ago was to run from who I was. I ran away from that person and that person's pain. I dyed my brunette hair to blonde thinking that would be the demise of her issues, for she no longer existed. Hid behind an exterior of silliness, because, hey, you wouldn't take me seriously anyway, so why bother? Formed time and energy consuming relationships with people who displayed an ounce of something I could identify with, but didn't match me on an emotional level. Can't blame them. Who would've thought I had one? Not even me. I repressed her and instead, spent years reading comedic tweets to distract myself from acknowledging her. Like I mentioned, it took me a long time to learn how to cope. It's either deal with it all, which I've done a whole lot of recently, or change my look as a defense mechanism, making statements and building guards with a hairdo, becoming a new person, and repressing all that would make me react in that fashion. And of course, hide.

I feel that fate has directed me to come back to New York for such lengthy periods of time to heal. People from many years ago are suddenly resurfacing. People who affected me deeply before I knew how to handle it. People that left a mark on me for many, many years. Everything that led me to hide for so long came into discussion. And now the need to hide is gone. Whatever barricade I created for myself that sheltered my physical being, my self-expression, my creativity, has finally come down. Now I have endless amounts of ideas and possess positive thinking. Weird. I mean, I'd cut off all communication, change my phone number countless times and disappear and think that was the answer. Which is not exactly healthy. When you run, what'll happen is, any close relationship you have in the future, any little trigger, any inkling of a specific person, and you will do what you do best: You will react in ways you'd react in the past. That person you shoved into the trunk of your mind will still be alive and kicking. "I don't like your hair dark," says the boyfriend. *Remembers her mom said this, on bad terms with mom* "Oh my God, get out of my house, and TAKE YOUR STUFF! Also, you never taught me how to DRIVE!"
Therefore, when you're in arguments with your boyfriend, your arguments become arguments with your mom.

Healing the past can get irritating depending on the person. If you're a more introspective type, or perhaps you're empathetic enough to see your part in a situation, then maybe you'd be easier to speak to and resolve issues with. Yet if you're defensive, then, whelp, you're a nightmare. My least favorite kind of person is one who can't own up to anything. And if that's the case, I just gotta take the highroad and know that they're not mentally capable right now. My hurt will be removed on that alone.

Then there's the type you shouldn't get re-acquainted with, the miserable types. It's funny to watch their faces change when you show them you're in a good place. People can be so petty. There's a lot of that running rampant, especially in this day and age when you can post online what you deem to be a moment of value. A lot of people are satisfied in keeping you hidden, bringing you down a notch when you're feeling blissful enough to want to shine a bit. Having you feel self-conscious and second guess your happiness. Don't bother with these types. They will grow old and alone, because growing old and alone is a curse, and be cast as grumpy elderlies who can't get the best of time, and not be able to do what they've always done best: control everything.

The great thing about dealing with negative people throughout your formative years is being able to spot them from a mile away and knowing to run 7 miles away. Or for me, Uber 7 miles away. If I was the younger, naive me, I'd try to make them like me, and in turn, have to endure their negative mindframe rubbing off on me, for I've always been like a social sponge. Such a bother.

The goal for me at 35, is to get back to where I was before all the trauma set in. Before I embarked in relationships with people who weren't good for me. Or mend the broken relationships with people who do matter. I will be as creative as I can possibly be without that pesky barrier called fear that was handed to me somehow in mid-conversation with a few people who weren't good for me, nor themselves at the time. I'm almost there now and I haven't been happier since the late 90s. I find myself feeling completely enamored with Forest Hills again. Walking along the gardens, a beautiful place I grew up near that I once called, "My Strawberry Fields," until a few bad emotional attachments left a bad taste in my mouth for over a decade. Now I feel a rush as I get flashes of teenage memories and not wanting to quickly dismiss them. Listening to the same 80s music I'd blare on my walkman in 1997, still adorned in a leather skirt and a black top, still having daydreams of unrequited love, longing for a deep conversation with someone who actually understands my language for once. (Some aches can be cute fun for the imagination.) Having a human connection with someone who gets me without the anchors of past resentments weighing my mind down. It's strange to me how fate has brought me back here and I'm finally embracing it all, instead of what I've always have done: Book a flight to the edge of the Earth to be left alone.


Monday, January 2, 2017

Astrology Fun.

Aries: You're pretty funny and outgoing. That is until you are angered, in which you then retaliate like a contempuous lover from hell. This is frightening. You will tweet/say things without thinking and sometimes throw things at people and/or walls. But you are funny and that makes up for it! (Just saying that so you won't throw anything at me.)
Taurus: You like living the same life every day. You need routine or else you explode. You are really good at establishing credit so you can eventually live in a co-op. When you find a partner, you cling to your partner. Inside of your co-op. You are really good at being normal, productive and having actual committed relationships. All of you are married right now.
Gemini: You post way too much shit on social media. No one finds you nearly as interesting as you do. You livestream videos of absolutely nothing and I have to get a notification about it and it's one big bother.
Cancer: Get out of the house. Please. When I am outside in public, I am nowhere near a Cancer person because this is outside in public and not inside of a home. They are the reason for Postmates and all forms of delivery services. If you see a Cancer outside of their house, you are on the same level as someone who has said that they have seen mermaid people.
Leo: You take approximately two hours to style your hair, four times a day. You are the reason why there are hairdryers at the gym. If you ran the planet, there would be hairdryers in all public bathrooms and also everywhere (I'm a Leo and I have a hairdryer in my bag right now. Hi.)
Virgo:


Just deeply disturbed some Virgos.

Libra: Like Leo, you are quite vain. You really think you're the cutest thing to ever hit planet Earth. You truly believe that nail art is in fact, art. You love the concept of love and are a romantic idealist but because you are overly cute, you attract superficial people who lack depth. You are way too nice but also too much. You also cry a whole lot and this scares people away and so your love life is often tragic and unfulfilled.
Scorpio: I like you. You are non-irritating and like to be left alone like me. Thank you.
Sagittarius: Hey, you guys TALK A WHOLE LOT and repeat the SAME STORIES as if you have story time dementia. Phew. Sags are very jovial though and this is nice for this is rare. The girls seem chill and happy with life. They should keep this trait by avoiding dating in Los Angeles where their soul will be eaten alive.
Capricorn: Every Capricorn you know is working right now.
Aquarius: Bad ass of all the signs. Aquarius women don't feel the need for cosmetics. When in the rare case they do, they will apply eyeliner. And that eyeliner will remain there for 4 days because who cares. They like to have a lot of freedom and listen to The Doors a whole lot. Most Aquarians are high right now.
Pisces: You're highly creative but from what my ex said about a girl he once hooked up with, you're a pathological liar and did a lot of cocaine and maybe sold it...? You have high cheekbones and are typically attractive. Highly intuitive, I guess. I dated a Pisces guy for 5 years and he could read everyone's bullshit. But he also liked going to guido clubs in Merrick, Long Island so we didn't last. Hi Doug.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Hi, I Went on a Tangent on a Book About "Love"

Hi, this is old. 


As a person with an endless desire to think about everything, I've come to realize that many of us tend to speak to those we have feelings for in riddles, as methods of communication are becoming more and more impaired. Heartbroken? Upload a YouTube video with the word "damaged" somewhere in the song title onto Facebook and have your former love decode the meaning. Did a guy dump you and you never got the opportunity to explain your stance? Post an angry tweet to an audience of followers you bought and hope that maybe one day he'll read it. Sadly, a majority of people do not speak directly to another person to convey their feelings or even treat another kindly if it means they could wind up wounding their pride in the process. It seems as if speaking to the one we claim to love revolves around manipulation, using passive aggressive tactics and even displaying a cold demeanor. I can't grasp this logic since I possess this fun thing called "empathy" which enables me to understand and feel for even the most difficult of people. Leading my friends and family who care about me, to upgrade that extent of caring to a high risk state of worrying about me. When it comes to the way I've handled my relationships, I've gotten some shitty reviews. "You're too nice," is a typical reaction. "I'd tell him to fuck off," is another popular selection. "If he's going to follow other girls on (insert social media network here), go and follow other guys instead of bitching about it." I know they mean well with their opinions but I can't take this advice. All I want in the end is affection and trust. So why on Earth would I go about destroying any chances of that by showing someone early on that I can not be trusted? And besides, Super Personal Alert:



Friday, October 14, 2016

How to Make People Think You're Not Goth When You Actually Probably Look Really Goth

Ever have those days where you're with your friend and she makes a Snapchat with you and writes the caption, "This is my goth friend!" Or other times when you post a photo of yourself online and someone leaves a comment like, "Are you pale like that for real or just anemic?" Have you ever found yourself just sitting around, thinking things like, "If I had Katy Perry's face and hair, I'd make way better music," or "Why isn't there a synthesizer in this place?" or perhaps even something like, "Where is my Sisters of Mercy shirt?" Well, maybe you had no idea, but you're goth. Since I've gone back to my natural hair color of dark brown yet also maintained my preference for wearing a ton of black, I've been getting the goth thing a lot. I really don't find myself putting in the extra effort but I guess it just happens when I'm left to my own devices and I dress myself? But I mean, if you really think about it, wearing all black is so easy! You don't have to worry about patterns and matching and all together, thinking that much at all! The most concentration required when I'm getting ready is making sure my wing-tipped eyeliner is the same length on both sides of my eyes, and this usually takes 60 minutes to successful complete because I hate asymmetry but also drink lots of caffeine and have shaky hands. I'm not committed to the idea of labels and there's been many times when I'm dressed rather loudly or even in shiny pants, but for the most part, I don't feel comfortable without a stitch of black on. And I've been that way since I was 13 years old. I've been told that this could have a lot to do with not allowing people to engage with me. I can see that as true. Sometimes I just want to run some errands and not have conversations with strangers. Maybe wearing all black is a people-repellant? Regardless, it doesn't always work and there are times when people approach me anyway and say things like, "It's 2pm and you're in Los Angeles. Why are you wearing a trenchcoat?" or "Were you in the Matrix?" And that's very annoying because all I'm doing is trying to get a sandwich. As an anti-confrontational, avoidant personality type who is resistant to change and criticism, I like to come up with easy ways to continue to dress the way I do but also remain lovable and understood. So with that being said, here's a list of situations where you're totally going to stand out if you choose your all black route, and how to get away with it:

Outdoor Functions-
Oh no, whats this? You get invited to go on a picnic, a hike, or some sort of outdoor related activity? You're fucked. I'm pretty sure in those situations you're supposed to wear a lot of color, because it's taking place in the daytime. But do what I do and wear all black anyway. And if anyone looks stunned or weirded out, just say, "Black attracts the sun. And I want to get tan!" Then go ahead and have a good ol' chuckle and frolic, but keep that shit short. Also, don't mention that you piled on 4 thick coats of SPF 70 moisturizer and also titanium dioxide powder.

Outdoor Functions with Little Cute Nephews-
You went on another outdoor activity but with your nephews. Perfect kind of stuff to add to your social media. But whoops, you wore all black. This might look kind of strange. Here's what you do:
Don't buy new clothes and take more photos, just super-impose clothes from Google images onto your old clothes.




























See. Now none of your followers will be wondering if you just got back from taking your nephews to a Depeche Mode Convention. Yes, this takes time but here's some MATH for you: this stupid green dress costs $250. For the average person, that's like 2-2.5 full days or 16-20 hours of actual work. And you'll wear this dress out, take a picture of it, post in online, and then you can't wear it again because people will talk about you and say things like, "God, does she always wear that dress?!" and "Homegirl needs to go shopping." You can wear the same black dress as much as you want but you can't rock the green thing and be known as "the chick who always wear green." That's just absurd. And besides, you just spent out of your monthly budget, told yourself it was a "splurge" (which is term used during the phase of denial to make your shopping habit sound feminine and cute) and with that $250, you could've bought like two skirts and a probably about 4,000 shirts from Forever21. Just learn Adobe Photoshop and give yourself a nice, job handy skill.

When 80s New Wave Happens in the Pharmacy-
Rite Aid has been playing some pretty good music lately. When you go into the Rite Aid pharmacy and they're playing "Close to Me" I know you want to, but don't make a big shit out of it. I know, I know, you want to start singing along or at least dancing a little because you can't help it. But also because if you appear as if don't care and you're from the 90s and called people a poser when you were 16, you'll have the, "Do I look like poser right now?" complex. Hold it in. Make people think you are just over that song because it's played out. Then you're cool again.

You Get Invited to a Non-Goth Dude's House-
And that's cool but, what's this? He's a got a no shoes policy? Uh oh. You know what that means? Now you have to expose your SOCKS. And we all know what kind of socks goths have- Halloween socks. This is the only non-black thing on our person! Bright green and orange with black stripes and giant jack-o-lanterns and cats and bats and witches and half moons, all at once, embedded on them. Then you have to take your socks off but your toe nail polish is the darkest red of all time. Now what? Chop off your feet?  Nope! That'll just make the situation way more goth and stop thinking because it'll only get more goth from there so tell him you need your shoes on for medical reasons and how you read an article on Facebook about how wearing shoes for most of the day prevents arthritis in your knees. You've just said so many nonsensical things at one time, he'll lose interest in listening to you and move on to show you his collection of weird dude knick knacks. Because all dudes have weird dude knick knacks. And they're always figurines of characters from the Stars Wars franchise, Bobbleheads and/or statues of African Safari animals that they have never encountered in real life. Because some men only desire what they can't possess, right? Next topic.

Don't Kind of Quote Nick Cave-















Just did. Oops.

The Non-Goth Dude Wants to Come Over to Your Place-
And that's great but now you have to figure out if you want to explain your Rocky Horror Picture Show themed room, pink glitter skeletons dangling from the ceiling, ceramic skull heads, your black bedsheets and comforter set, Ouija board, and why you have so many wrought iron candlesticks. This might be too much. You can always keep the lights off and use your iPhone flashlight to guide you to your room. But he'll either be onto you even more or he'll think you couldn't afford your power bill this month and that you're financially irresponsible. And no one wants to look like they're too destitute to not pay the power bill. So do what I do and get a roommate. Then tell the non-goth dude that your roommate is always home. Bingo! No guy wants to come over when the roommate is home.  That's just uncomfortable and awkward and all sorts of stuff. So do that and just go to his house and continue to figure out what baseball players those Bobbleheads were modeled after.

So that's that. I'm sure there's many other situations that I haven't touched on where you can't wear black such as working at a Starbucks where you're required to wear shades reminiscent of all things related to coffee but that's absolutely NUTS and you shouldn't work there. I think if this problem continues, we should all just move to New York where no one cares because your daytime outfit can always double as your nighttime outfit and it's completely acceptable. Just keep it somewhat sophisticated and don't look like you just used up a $500 gift card at the Hot Topic with weird shit like ball chain necklaces and any tee shirts of bands formed post 1989 such as My Chemical Romance. Eek.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

How To Somewhat Enjoy Valentine's Day.


Note: This is another recycled holiday post from 2014.
Hey guys, guess what? Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Yes, time to make like you actually do like your "loved" one. Buy heart shaped things with heart shaped designs on them that are found inside of other heart shaped things, and probably a card too. But it also means that you should be on your best behavior and refrain from having any outbursts or unnecessary tantrums for an entire day. Here’s some greatly overlooked typical Valentine's Day issues that should be avoided: 

-When you take your bed partner out on Valentine’s Day, don’t go to the place where everyone is also taking their bed partner out on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to spend 45 minutes outside on a sidewalk while staring at happier couples with more in common inside eating food. People get really irritable when they’re hungry and you will hear, “We should’ve gone to the other place,” and “Remember when we were happy like THAT?!" You will then be a huge disappointment and also will not be having intercourse later. What you should do to avoid this is take your partner to someplace no one wants to go on Valentine's Day like a falafel truck outside of the DMV in Pacoima.  Or you can tell your woman, “We are staying in." That way you will be laying down the law and also be having sex instead of driving around the same two blocks in circles trying to find parking while not having sex.

-Don't be The Buzzkill Guy. There's always that one waste of a human life who mutters something like,  “Valentine’s Day is a corporate marketing scheme created in order to bring money into the blah blah blah I have no penis attached to my body blah blah."  If you go on these anti-romantic conspiracy theories, you should also say you've seen the Big Foot a bunch of times and that sometimes you are also a unicorn. Don’t be a dud. Just bite the bullet and venture off to the Rite Aid and spot the aisle that's filled with a bunch of confused dudes. Then buy the largest stuffed animal holding a velvet heart with feathers coming out of it and you will be good to go.

-Appreciate your girlfriend’s gift. You will receive something you never wanted in your life from your girlfriend. 99% guaranteed. You’ll be like, “Whoa, this is a really cool, uh, thing with some stuff on it.” Don’t say that. Say it’s beautiful. I’ve made boyfriends gifts out of cardboard and paint and sometimes when I didn't have paint, nail polish. Their homes started to look as if an 18 year old School of Visual Arts’ freshman came in, sat down and then exploded. So when you receive your weird gift know that she spent so much of her analytical girl brain obsessing over how perfect it had to be. Gift giving means a whole lot to girls. At least the ones I know. And everyone loves to feel appreciated so definitely make a, “HOLY SHIT WHOA THIS IS THE BEST” face as you try to decipher what it is you’re looking at.

-Don’t be the guy who gets roses from the Ralph’s supermarket.  Ralph’s is a great place for things like cookies. Ralph’s is not a good place for romance. Basically, this is how you know where you can buy roses from. Check it: Can you have sex in your home while on the phone with 1-800-Flowers? Yea I guess, right? Ok now, would it be a great experience to do it in the back of a Ralph’s? You might think, "Well yea, public places are cool." But the answer is no because if this were to happen, it would under bad Ralph's lighting in front of bad Ralph's employees and you will be stepping on a bunch of Pringle's Xtreme Screamin' Dill Pickle canisters and also mice. Therefore, don’t buy flowers from places you can’t have sex in.

- If you get chocolate for Valentine’s Day and you don’t like chocolate, don’t say, “But I don’t like chocolate.” You like chocolate now, motherfucker. Pretend you’re in an episode of some God awful series like Fear Factor and you’re going to win $10,000 and a Ford Focus if you eat the chocolate. Pipe down. At least you are alive. Some people aren’t. You whiny brat of an ingrate.

-Channel Billy Joel. That’s all you have to do because if anyone knows romance, it’s Billy Joel.  I have no idea how Billy Joel came out of Long Island because no one I dated from Long Island was that smooth. (Sorry guys Burger King drive-thru is not smooth.) The lyrics to ‘Tell Her About It’ are a pretty good example. Be fearless and speak. If you can’t do this throughout your relationship because you are an odd and emotionally constipated type of a person, at least jot down your feelings in a card once a year. I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate you but someone might. Tee hee.

All in all just try to have a nice Valentine's Day and don't complain too much. People make a big to-do when something doesn’t turn out “as planned”.  It’s far easier on your mind not to envision what could happen but just be grateful of all that has happened so far.  That you have this person in your life whom you can spend time with when a lot of people do not have anyone at all. It’s very hard to meet someone who you can fall in love with, get along with and also not be skeeved out by their naked body. At least for me.  So don’t ruin Valentine’s Day, or actually your relationship on any day, by getting all bent out of shape when you didn’t get the exact stuffed animal from the Rite Aid with the shit velvet heart with feathers shooting out of it for no reason or you end up at a DMV in Pacoima.

Monday, December 21, 2015

(Psst, this is from last year.) Tis The Season...?



















I guess.

Being that I live in climate controlled Los Angeles, the only way I was made fully aware of this was upon purchasing a cup of Starbucks coffee, which was now red and featured a very happy, winking snowman in a top hat. I was perplexed at the time for I was also standing near a palm tree set amongst the backdrop of the bright, white sun while dripping a combination of sweat and SPF 45. The thought of Christmas fast approaching reactivated my once dormant anxiety. I imagined having to spend an inordinate amount of money as well as time asking people what they want, shopping for what they want, waiting in lines to buy what they want, wrapping what they want and then having to hang out with them to give them what they want. I then have a silent panic attack and go on to drink more coffee.

I decided to take some time out of my busy schedule of staring at my phone and styling my hair to compose a list of tips based on personal experiences and YouTube videos that I feel may increase the holiday joy for those of you this year. Ok great. Enjoy.

TIP #1: For all you shoppers to be this season, you should know that kids do not care about fashion unless this piece of fashion has their favorite cartoon character or super hero embedded on it somewhere really big so they can see it. If you get them a "cute outfit marked down from $75 that's so practical, oh-so warm and 100% Wool" you basically just bought the kids' mom a present and this is not fair. So please do not do this.

When I was a kid all I wanted were stuffed animals, real animals and action figures in the shape of animals. That's it, nothing else. If it was Christmas and I counted on you to contribute to my action figurine supply and you showed up with a big, rectangular box that with the word MACY*S on it, I was very mad and threw fits before each and every car ride to dinner at your house thereafter and also dried my hands on your show towels.

TIP #2: Please be parental and wake up earlier than your kids on Christmas day like you are supposed to, Mom.

As a child my mom would wake up later then all of us and make my brothers and I wait to unwrap gifts while she had her morning coffee and performed a full on make-up application. This gave me a lot of time to stare at my presents while attempting to decipher what the contents were. I would pick them up and feel around and if I felt anything weird like earrings I instantly got mad. Earrings were not Ninja Turtles so this Christmas was already a disappointment. I would also notice the label on the presents that read "From Santa" was in my mother's handwriting. Needless to say,  I knew there was no Santa since age 7 so thanks Mom for taking 45 minutes to put on mascara.
 
TIP #3: When reusing other people's things or past gifts, make sure you have removed the price tags and all other indications that these are not directly from an online store or the Glendale Galleria. These can be hidden quite well so make sure you do this in a well lit area. If you have the belief that hand me downs are great because you are like a human thrift store then do so carefully.

As I got older and my mother got broker I noticed that the majority of my gifts would come from yard sales or were recycled/rejected gifts from Christmases of yesteryear. On several occasions I received my interesting items of sorts in a misshapen Happy Birthday bag that still had a tag that read "To Kathy Love, Wanda". This could have been avoided if proper inspection was performed. Another red flag was when I was given a body mist/shower gel gift set with a peculiar name like "Secret Sensual Endless Peony Garden Daydream" which can not be purchased in any store known to mankind but only somehow from a yard sale.

These experiences early on in my life inspired me to reply to "What do you want for Christmas?" with simply "Money".

TIP #4: Tell everyone you want money and look them in the eye and repeat yourself and do not blink.

People hate giving money. Because you will then know that they are cheap. It is now way obvious. People are good at making believe they spent a lot of money by buying you things you have never heard of. They will go to the edge of the earth in the Promenade of Santa Monica to buy something so unnecessary that it is obviously rare because no one wants to reproduce something so unnecessary. Just to make you wonder how much it is. You can't even find the words to Google Shop it because it is undefinable. Then the gift giver feels educated and mystical because you are baffled. They will also feel sly because they spent $6.99 cash meanwhile you gave them a gift card to Pier 1 Imports for $150. These are not your friends. If they also are the types that send you mass texts then they are definitely not your friends. You should evacuate them from your social circle.

TIP #5: Do not attempt to buy the XBox One console while on sale. You will most likely die.

Black Friday arrives as our bodies are still in digestion mode. Some people camp out over night while in digestion mode. They do not have sufficient sleep. They are very irritable. Therefore, Black Friday can be dangerous. When people hear the words "Prices Have Been Slashed" a sociopathic switch goes off in their minds in which they then enter the realms of Battle Zone: Christmas Spectacular. Shoppers in festive turtlenecks and snuggly reversible scarves emerge from their Nissan Pathfinders and congregate into the arena of war that is the Walmart parking lot, ready and eager for full-on tactical combat. If you decide to venture into the madness to buy your friends a Keurig (make sure you buy the pods because if you don't you are an asshole) maybe wear a helmet. I've seen aftermath footage on Fox News of Black Friday and it is quite frightening. It is very similar to the scene in Natural Born Killers where Tommy Lee Jones' ravished, dead head is being pranced around on a stick. You are basically waiting to be released from behind a barricade along with 40,000 of the type of people who do strange things like wake up at 5 am on a Sunday "Just because" who will literally eat your arm while stepping on your head if you are within reach of the much coveted Nikon COOLPIX.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my list of tips for Holiday Season 2014. May you and everyone you know that you sort of maybe care about have a great holiday and get everything you desire that you will lose interest in after 15 minutes unless it's an iPhone. So definitely get an iPhone.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

How to Keep People From Moving Into Your Los Angeles Neighborhood the New York Way. WARNING: There are Two Selfies in This Post.

I've been hearing a lot of talk about how people who moved to Brooklyn from other parts of the country are now leaving and moving to Los Angeles. They are usually the people who say they are from Brooklyn. They are not.
Being that I'm from New York and have witnessed this occur there, I understand how this must suck to the locals. I know, I moved here from NYC too but I'm broke and won't raise the rents so who cares? Besides, I've got so much chill. Anyway, if you're a local and you're tired of this wave of dork invasion, here's some secret tips on how to get to these folks out of here the way my New York people did:


Walk out into the street whenever you feel like it- You are not a car, but you are in the street. This will perplex driver people. This is a very New York thing to do that probably has made quite a few people who came from other parts of the country very confused upon first witnessing. Now that they're in LA and have to start driving, "people darting," will easily anger these newbs. Don't even walk straight across the street, walk diagonally. Throw them off.  And take your time. It's always a nice summer day in LA, why not take a stroll?

Double park- Can't find a spot in LA? Don't worry. With double parking, everyplace is a spot.  Just be sure to put on your hazards so that people know you will eventually move your vehicle and that it doesn't need to be towed. Take your time, and if the driver who comes back to find himself blocked in starts honking, just yell, "Fuck you, you horse's ass" or "Pipe down, you low-life prick bastard" really loud at that person for allowing his car to make such a scene.

Tell Everyone It's the Wrong Month- When it's holiday season, tell people it's July. They'll believe you. What'll happen is these shitty kids will forget to get presents for their parents, who pay for their apartment. Their family will discuss this in full at the big back home Christmas dinner and that one opinionated, twice divorced fat aunt will chime in and tell them to stop financially supporting their kids. The parents will then become resentful, feeling like pushovers and take the advice of people who they feel are looking out for them. This is manipulative, I know! But then no one could afford to live at the Dylan condominium on Santa Monica and La Brea and it'll eventually turn back in to a Carl's Jr. which is THE WAY THAT CORNER WAS MEANT TO BE.

Hang up Aluminum Foil in Your 3rd Story Window-  Someone told me this was a really powerful method for blocking out the sun. Then someone else told me about meth heads. Oopsies, had no idea cuz sober.  So to make shit cute, I took it upon myself to create a Meth Head Portrait Studio. Here's some Disco hair and New Wave hair portraits that serve no purpose:


Really great. Anyway, it looks pretty absurd and also blinding from the outside. Which is awesome because it'll keep people who were really obsessed with Breaking Bad to the point of tweeting relentlessly about Breaking Bad two years ago from moving into your building. 

Turn Your Corner Into a Bodega- But don't have air conditioning, only an oscillating metal floor fan that gets stuck and clicks a whole lot. Sell 3 year old Sriracha and lime powdered almonds and once melted, now hardened and misshapen mini tootsie rolls. Neatly arrange rolls of $.99 toilet paper and Tide detergent boxes for your window display. Address your customers as "Ey, Guy" and "Boss" and thank them for their patronage by saying, "Have a good one, pal!" from within your plexiglass cube.

Sit... Everywhere- See something a bit off the ground that doesn't belong to you? Go ahead and sit on it. Whether it be someone's stoop, someone's cooler, someone's radiator, someone's window, or just someone, just go and place yourself on it.

Have Block Parties- There's only so many blocks in LA and usually cars need to get on them, so go ahead and close off your street and have a party on it instead. Hire a local DJ, get an inflatable bounce house and a ball pit too for all the neighborhood kids and place them right on Sunset and Cahuenga at peak party hours, which usually coincide with that of rush hour traffic. Your neighbors will love the essence you bring of strong community.

Tell Your Neighbors Way Too Much Personal Stuff- Speak candidly within the first five minutes of meeting your new neighbor. Go ahead and tell them all about the substance abuse issues you had in the late 90's. Go into detail about your current legal battle(s). Let them know the guy in the second floor apartment sells his Adderall to the landlord.  Make sure you knock on their door every night and talk about these things and more in length and have a hard time leaving. 

Find a Bridge and Throw a Rave Under It- No bridge in LA? That's ok, just throw a rave under anything. Carport? Put a rave in it. The one subway station? Put a rave in it. People that lived in Brooklyn in 2000 definitely went to raves and probably have some psychedelic trauma from them. Go ahead and ignite that trauma with a good old fashioned fun, glow in the dark rave.

If none of these tips seem to be working, use this high-powered technique which was mentioned in another one of my posts, this one.

-Just Go All Out-. Every Sunday you should play a lot of La Mega 97.9 FM very early in the morning. Also, get a jack hammer and fix "potholes" that weren't ever there in front of the house. Above all the noise, have a conversation with your neighbor two blocks away from one another about how they raised the price of 2% milk at the Stop N' Shop. Be infuriated. Then walk somewhere and come back and complain about at least 4 things that happened on your walk. They should probably be about "the drivers out here." That'll really deliver an authentic essence of the 5 Boroughs.

Those are my tips on how to get people out of your Los Angeles neighborhood. I wish you success in your efforts to keep your rent at nice, reasonable rate so that you don't have to relocate to wherever shitty, affordable place these people came from.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Why I Don't Text Guys First and Lots of Other Stupid Things.


I'm watching Singles for the 900th time today. Everyone has to see this movie and I promise you after you do, you will watch it roughly around that many times as well because it is that good. It came out in 1992 and is set in the Seattle grunge scene and goes into the stories of several, obviously, single people. Although they didn't have iPhones or dating apps or really nothing to save numbers and information in except for a Casio data bank watch, I can still identify with it tremendously. Especially with the Bridget Fonda character. This romantic idealist, filled with hope but for the wrong person. There's a scene where she wants to call the guy she's in love with after he stands her up. She teeters back and forth from trying to convince herself that men like to be called and then wondering if calling him would have her appearing desperate. Later on she realizes that he's just shitty and that she should just be by herself since being alone is so much fun. She ends up doing such cool stuff in her spare time alone like painting the legs of her chair green and eating a salad. And she's so happy! Anyway, with that being said, I never contact guys for similar reasons. I think this stemmed from the one time I called a guy first when I was 17. He answered the phone, and I was so psyched. That is until he said, "Hi Candice, I'm at a wake." I immediately became plagued with cringe ridden regret yet also wondered why in God's name he had a cell phone in 1999 and not a beeper. So nowadays I have this overwhelming fear that all guys are at wakes at all times and that I probably shouldn't bother them. Instead, I just wait for them to contact me which is probably really stupid? I mean, I could be super into a guy and I'll just wait around and paint objects and figure if he doesn't text me, he's just not interested. Anyway, as I was just zoning out, staring at this movie eating a Luna bar, I started thinking, "What could be worse than that? Wait a sec, what kind of maniac answers the phone at a wake? What a maniac, man. This Luna Bar kind of tastes like a wall." Then I figured, someone's gotta come up with a modern day version of this movie. And it's not gonna be me because I don't want to be another asshole in LA sitting at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf off Fairfax writing and discussing my screenplay at that one giant table by the bathroom. Instead, I'll just compile a list of ridiculous things I would never ever do while waiting for a guy to call me even though they could be really funny if I did them. Okay cool, here we go:

Be Upfront:
Text him, "Hey cutie, what happened to that relationship we were supposed to have?" We know how much guys love relationships and they especially love commitment. They'll appreciate your honesty in regards to your high expectations. Let him know that's what you wanted.  If you really want to increase your chances, download that app that morphs faces together and show him what your kid would look like. Then tell him you drew it. Creative girls are sexy so expect lots of sex after that.

Be Real Chill and Hang Out:
Haven't heard from him? No bigs, just go hang out in his favorite cafe, place of employment, yard.
Guys forget easily so it's good if you just place yourself in plain sight so they can remember you. When you see him, go ahead and run, not walk up to him and say, "I knew you'd be here eventually. I've been waiting here for two days. Nice yard." And now that you've spotted your desired one, it's time to...

Woo Him:
Sing him popular songs like "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. But only the African back-up part. Be all like, "Ee yah yaaaaah. Yah yah yah yah. Doopa da da da da da da da yah yah." Just like that. Look directly at him and don't blink at all throughout your love-professing ballad. Guys like confidence, I've read that in lots of blogs. You'll make him conjure up images of John Cusack with a giant boombox and he'll really love you for your efforts and knowledge of bitchin' 80's classics.

Utilize Your Apps:
Go on his Instagram and like all of the photos of his you haven't liked yet. Even though he hasn't texted you back in a year. This'll show your dream guy you don't hold grudges. Guys love cool, calm chicks. And people get really happy when you like their photos on Instagram. Double win.

Utilize Another App:
Post Passive Aggressive Facebook statuses in the shape of bitter love songs. Remember when you'd have to call your favorite radio station and dedicate a song for someone? Now with social media, you can be your own disc jockey! Post a song about a break-up and the excruciating agony associated with it. The lyrics should be along the lines of, "I've cried 19 times today so far and it's only 1pm," or "I can't breathe good without you," or maybe, "I see your face everywhere that I go and my floor even looked like you a little bit so I cried on it." That way he knows where you're coming from, melodically.

Post a Photo of You in This Chair on the Internet:

Sup, dudes.

Overthink Everything and Do the Wrong Thing After:
You're still wondering why he hasn't called? Okay, great! Now think of every possible thing that could've gone wrong and discuss it openly with your crush via text. Make sure you do this no earlier than 2am and after you had copious amounts of caffeine so your imagination is in full swing. Sabotage whatever you could've had and when that's over, go and not think at all and hook-up with someone you just met at a goth club. You've learned that fear destroyed your potential relationship so go ahead and don't have any more of that lingering around in your life. Fear is the devil's way of saying, "Hi, don't use me to fuck up your relationship, but definitely use me with normal stuff."


Yeah, for sure don't do those things. Although I'm guilty of 1.5 of those above mentioned God-awful recommendations. I know, right? I'm thinking that maybe I should change my stance with the way I handle communication by going out on a limb and striking up a conversation with someone I actually like. If not, I may end up with an ex I had zero passion with and convince myself to stay in it by thinking, "No, this is good. Being with him is like being alone, together." Which is another line from the oh-so amazing Singles. That is nice and all, but you have to have some sort of emotion for somebody. Or else you're just settling and no one wants to do that. I'll just have to be sure to begin my text with, "Hey. U at a wake?"

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

When OCD and Shopping Collide

Ah, shopping. A fun activity to help take your mind off of situations that got you down, hence the term, "Retail Therapy.”  Shopping can make you feel as if you are building a better you; one slight addition to your wardrobe and you can completely change your look and bring some good ol' confidence back into your life. Yet for some, like those with the indecisive mind much like myself, a typical day of shopping can go like a little like this:

"Oh whoa, this top’s cute, I need it."
"Wait, no I don't."
"Do I?"
"What if I don’t buy it?"
"Shit, someone else might get it if I don’t."
"Then it’ll be gone. Forever."
"Okay fine, I'll just buy it."

The Following Day:
"Wait, why did I buy this dumb ugly thing?  I’m never going to wear it."

Ah, yes. Shopping.

With impulsive shopping comes the inevitable:
The Return.

The Return is a hobby. And my logic is- it’s a job. I make an effort, I am present, and in the end, I receive money.

Okay, clearly I'm aware that I am being refunded money. Yet the fact of the matter is, there is more money in my Chase account after the return than there was this morning. Therefore, I am earning money. This also eases the guilt that comes along with spending and purchasing overpriced material items. As a result, I am working on my days off and being frugal. Honestly, this isn't exactly fun. If I don’t put the effort into bringing back whatever useless thing I bought, the receipt will go missing and the 14-day return policy will expire, leaving me with more junk. Junk which will soon multiply and become clutter. Clutter that will make you feel inclined to start an eBay account or have a yard sale. All things that require so much effort. So for those intense moments of do or die purchasing, I’ve come up with strategies in order to avoid working a second “job” and having to deal with a lump of rejected clothes. Here’s some tactics I try to utilize whenever I enter the depths of the Shopper Center:

-Take Photos and Torment Your Friends with Your Meaningless Dilemmas:
If time permits, I will take photos of the items in question and send each of them to my very close, non-judgmental pals asking for extremely urgent, emergency level advice. One of my good friends does this as well. Here’s his, “Which Shoe Should I Mail Back to Amazon?" pic that came into my phone in a time of serious and dire straits:


I was very empathetic of his plight, for I had found myself in a similar predicament only a few days earlier when I thought I could make room in my life for a yellow plaid skirt. He quickly reminded me that I should probably never make room for that, and he was indeed correct. Therefore, I owed him. His intention initially was to keep one pair, yet in the end, he kept both. Why? Because he asked indecisive me, that’s why.

Shop Safe:
That’s why I now shop safe. When I say safe, I mean I buy clothes in the way I would buy water bottles in bulk from a Costco prior to a major weather epidemic. I will buy the same tank top, in the same color, 4 more times. Why? God forbid it gets lost, wrinkled, or it’s in the laundry bin when I really want to wear it. I now have several back-up versions of the one thing I actually like. If I am fond of something I also make it a thing to purchase it in every color available.
Case in point, same skirt, two colors:
I liked this skirt so much so that I wanted to wear it everyday. Which was pretty inconvenient being that it meant I couldn’t go to the same place two days in a row.  Not good, since I clearly despise change. Then I came up with the master plan of buying it in more than one color. Bam, problem solved.

Put Item in Question On Hold:
Put it on hold and slowly walk away from it. See if you miss it when you’re gone. If you forget about it, it wasn’t worth it and now you can move on. Treat it in a similar fashion to the way you would with some iffy dude on a first date. Are you going to go home with a guy who has a sort of cute face but you’re not entirely sure because he has a 90’s goatee in the way? Probably not, right? You see, you don’t necessarily need to go home with it and wake up the next day confused as shit because it’s not your type. And the cool thing is, you can put it aside and it won’t leave with someone else because it is stuck behind the counter with your name on it.

With all that being said, now you know how to shop safely and with less fear of loss. Truth of the matter is, buying stuff you don't need is one giant hassle. You should never be so overwhelmed that the act of ridding these things from your possession is more grueling of a task then accumulating them. Here's the thing: If you’re not going to love it and feel great with it in your life, why bother? You should be proud of everything you’ve earned that way in the end, you will be content with the life you created for yourself. I got real deep there over clothes, but if I didn't you might've been stuck being "That Chick Who Keeps Having All the Yard Sales."

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Candice's Makeup Reviews


Too Faced- "Better Than Sex" mascara:


A beauty implement that's better than intimacy with another human being?! No fricken way! I had to try it. Sadly though, it's mascara and not a penis. I don't know, maybe I've just had really good sex or something but I just don't see what the big deal is. I'm no marketing expert but a less understated name would've been more appropriate. Ok, let me help the people over at Too Faced cosmetics because I love their bronzer and I don't wanna play them like that. I'm thinking, "Maybe Not Better Than Sex Because That's Not Even Close To What Mascara Is Because Mascara Is Not Sex What You Probably Meant To Say Was Better Than Other People's Mascara" mascara. I don't know if they can fit all that on the travel size version so that may not work.
I mean, if you have to remain all erotic about your mascara, Too Faced, may I suggest this for a name:
Better Than Anal.
That's perfect because mascara is definitely better than that.


Anyway.


Benefit- "They're Real" mascara:

I know, I'm an avid fan of mascara. Check it out though, this mascara's cool because it comes with a thing that looks like an actual medieval mace at the tip. Which is great in case you to were ever find yourself in a situation were you have to fight off foot soldiers in your village but couldn't fit your sword in your purse. Pro Tip: If you're using it for your lashes and not for dueling, make sure you don't apply too many coats because what happens is you will have one really wide lash. My mother would do this with her mascara all the time, and she would use a blue tint. So not only did she have blue eyelashes in the 80's, she would have one big giant blue eyelash in the 80's, so be careful.

Nars Blush.


You guys think this is just blush, right? Innocent, cheekbone defining blush. Until you stumble upon these awesome shade names, "Orgasm", "Deep Throat" and also, "Super Orgasm."

Hmm...






















Ok, here's the thing: You can stop now. Sex things are sex things, makeup things are makeup things. No matter how well this facial highlighter would illuminate my complexion, let's face it; it's named after the act of a penis being as far into one's mouth as humanly possible. All I want is to have a nice, rosy flush to my cool toned face. And that is ALL.

Hi so those are my makeup reviews.


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Me N' Alf.

I had my only Tinder fling. 
And it was with Alf.
Here's the story:






He understood me.



He was a great listener. 

I gave him my number. 
My outgoing texts were green so I assumed that he was either using Google Voice or an Android. Either way, not cool.


He took me for sushi, my favorite.

He won me Batman at the arcade. 


He was starting to get possessive. I secretly like that. 
Whoops, there goes that secret. 


We got dressed up and went dancing at the goth club. This is his look I call, "Alfin Gore". 
(He stole the spotlight. )


Then this shit happened:

Whelp, there goes that. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dentistry Can Be Funistry.


A few weeks ago, I had to get Oral Surgery Extreme for the first time. It was a procedure I never even knew existed. It was so unheard of I had to go to the special dental God of teeth in the far off land of Glendale, California. I mean, I have had some pretty bad experiences at the dentist prior to this. When I was a kid, I had to get 4 teeth pulled to make room for awesome braces. It didn't feel oh-so spectacular yanking them out all at once and I might've been a little theatrical with my reaction. So much so the overweight assistant thought a soothing approach to this would be to sit on me. In which case, she went and sat on me. So serene. Later in my teens, my stepmom found a great dentist in the nostalgic neighborhood of Forest Hills that I grew up in who accepted her plan. On the day of my appointment, we walked into an apparent 1960's nuclear fallout shelter: Mint green walls, ceilings and floors, dental instruments that have been dental instruments during the Kennedy administration and a man about 8,070 years old with round, black rimmed glasses thicker than his own head. Needless to say, I grew a bouffant. No, needless to say, I freaked out and never went back to that guy. These days I'm usually not that miffed by the idea of going to the dentist and try to go once every other month as a precautionary measure so that I never need a root canal again. Not because it's painful, but because it's expensive. Fear of the dentist should never be so crippling that you turn into someone walking around looking like a pirate on purpose. But when my new special super dentist looked at my x-ray and explained the reality of the situation in utmost detail, fear started to creep up on me and I slowly realized that this was not going to be fun:


Dentist: Yep, you have a serious infection in there. If you wait too long you're going to end up in the Emergency Room.
Candice's Brain: Real life stuff. Not Instagram. Not to-do list of going to Target and buying 4 bananas and a juice.
Dentist: You can either get the tooth pulled and then get an implant or we can go and do gum surgery where we slice your gums, pull them back and scoop out the infection.
Candice's Brain: Wait, this is still real life stuff and not Twitter?
Dentist: Your insurance covers 80%. Come back in 4 hours and we'll do the surgery because it's your best option.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

How To Make Sure You Will Not Be Embarrassed After You Die.

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I think about death quite a bit. Sometimes it gets to the point where I won't leave the house for an entire day for I will think to myself,  "Hey Candice, you know if you go out today, there's a possibility that you may die." I understand it's a little much but fact of the matter is, it's true. Yes of course I could croak in my apartment by perhaps choking on a baby carrot or somehow accidentally eating hair dye, but walking around Los Angeles is certainly more likely. On an average day I come close to being hit by a car at least twice because as I believe the case to be, LA drivers have this superhuman power where they can actually see through pedestrians. Either that or if they do see our kind, their brains don't quite register right away what this object is moving before them since it is not in the shape of a vehicle. Leisurely strolls are something to be found in dreams as I am always to be on a high alert while walking. I'm aware of the obvious fact that my death will occur at some point and there's nothing I can do about it. What perturbs the control freak of a woman I am is that I don't know when this event will take place. And there are many little things that could be overlooked; Loose ends that you don't tend to which may leave you with a bit of a strange reputation if they are to be noticed without explanation. I would prefer to have things in place before I were to leave this world in order to facilitate my need to maintain a good name. Let's say I were to be expecting company, my home would be tidy without the usual hot pink bra on the couch or all the glitter in the kitchen sink from making my boyfriend gifts coated in 8 layers of sparkle madness (poor guy). The house would smell like a giant Citrus Tango Yankee candle as opposed to it's recent putrid microwaved bacon aroma that my roommate is ever-so keen on. I would like it if there were a way to take the same approach when it comes to how my body were to be found once it decides it's going to expire. For all I know, I could die in my sleep wearing a Jem and the Holograms shirt and bicycle shorts with a massive poof for hair on my head. I have no idea and it will forever weigh on my mind. Hence why if I am to leave the house, there's no way I would do so wearing a pair of sneakers and sweat pants with vainglorious claims such as "#1 Princess of the World" printed on them.  The day I do that is the day a Prius mistakes me for a car lane and runs me down. Understandably. Nevertheless, with that being said, here are some pointers on how to NOT be embarrassed after you have dropped dead:

-Your social media photos should be bangin' because that's what's going to be on the 5 o'clock news. Back in the 90's when someone died, an immediate relative or significant other provided a polaroid of THEIR choice to the media. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my mother would be the one with this responsibility. Which would surely be a photo that she took with her disposable Walgreens camera under fluorescent lighting, with the flash on, where I am doing something unflattering like blowing out birthday candles or speaking. The most unpleasant photographs are those taken in mid-sentence where someone is saying "Don't take a picture of me!" My mother has albums filled with images like this. Why? Because she doesn't give proper advisory that she is about to take a photo. The woman is constantly holding a camera. If you know anyone who has peculiar pictures of you in their possession, you should seek them out and have them destroyed. If this person puts up a fight by saying "You look nice there. What are you talking about?" Do what one of my brother's friends from Queens would do: Kick them in the shin, take a photo of them on the floor screaming while grabbing their now painful shin and say "Oh yea, you look nice there too. You and your douchebag camera." Then go to the 7-11 and eat a Taquito. Only because this is a very post battle victory Guy from Queens thing to do.

-Tell someone really close to you to monitor the mortuary beautician. I know, this is extremely vain and all but if I'm going to be laid out on a display in front of the very same people I spent all my life getting dressed up and perfecting my hair for, there's no way in hell I'm going to go out with bad rouge, mauve lipstick and a velvet dress. I don't know if this comes along with some burial package: Updo, airbrush foundation, ivory casket, velvet dress but I do not want this package.