Actually Got a Roommate. Phew.

This is my music video called How's My Hair? Ok thanks.

Tis The Season...?

I guess.

Being that I live in climate controlled Los Angeles, the only way I was made fully aware of this was upon purchasing a cup of Starbucks coffee, which was now red and featured a very happy, winking snowman in a top hat. I was perplexed at the time for I was also standing near a palm tree set amongst the backdrop of the bright, white sun while dripping a combination of sweat and SPF 45. The thought of Christmas fast approaching reactivated my once dormant anxiety. I imagined having to spend an inordinate amount of money as well as time asking people what they want, shopping for what they want, waiting in lines to buy what they want, wrapping what they want and then having to hang out with them to give them what they want.  I then have a silent panic attack and go on to drink more coffee.

I decided to take some time out of my busy schedule of staring at my phone and styling my hair to compose a list of tips based on personal experiences and YouTube videos that I feel may increase the holiday joy for those of you this year. Ok great. Enjoy.

TIP #1: For all you shoppers to be this season, you should know that kids do not care about fashion unless this piece of fashion has their favorite cartoon character or super hero embedded on it somewhere really big so they can see it. If you get them a "cute outfit marked down from $75 that's so practical, oh-so warm and 100% Wool" you basically just bought the kids' mom a present and this is not fair. So please do not do this.

When I was a kid all I wanted were stuffed animals, real animals and action figures in the shape of animals. That's it, nothing else. If it was Christmas and I counted on you to contribute to my action figurine supply and you showed up with a big, rectangular box that with the word MACY*S on it, I was very mad and threw fits before each and every car ride to dinner at your house thereafter and also dried my hands on your show towels.

TIP #2: Please be parental and wake up earlier than your kids on Christmas day like you are supposed to, Mom.

As a child my mom would wake up later then all of us and make my brothers and I wait to unwrap gifts while she had her morning coffee and performed a full on make-up application. This gave me a lot of time to stare at my presents while attempting to decipher what the contents were. I would pick them up and feel around and if I felt anything weird like earrings I instantly got mad. Earrings were not Ninja Turtles so this Christmas was already a disappointment. I would also notice the label on the presents that read "From Santa" was in my mother's handwriting. Needless to say,  I knew there was no Santa since age 7 so thanks Mom for taking 45 minutes to put on mascara.
 
TIP #3: When reusing other people's things or past gifts, make sure you have removed the price tags and all other indications that these are not directly from an online store or the Glendale Galleria. These can be hidden quite well so make sure you do this in a well lit area. If you have the belief that hand me downs are great because you are like a human thrift store then do so carefully.

As I got older and my mother got broker I noticed that the majority of my gifts would come from yard sales or were recycled/rejected gifts from Christmases of yesteryear. On several occasions I received my interesting items of sorts in a misshapen Happy Birthday bag that still had a tag that read "To Kathy Love, Wanda". This could have been avoided if proper inspection was performed. Another red flag was when I was given a body mist/shower gel gift set with a peculiar name like "Secret Sensual Endless Peony Garden Daydream" which can not be purchased in any store known to mankind but only somehow from a yard sale.

These experiences early on in my life inspired me to reply to "What do you want for Christmas?" with simply "Money".

TIP #4: Tell everyone you want money and look them in the eye and repeat yourself and do not blink.

People hate giving money. Because you will then know that they are cheap. It is now way obvious. People are good at making believe they spent a lot of money by buying you things you have never heard of. They will go to the edge of the earth in the Promenade of Santa Monica to buy something so unnecessary that it is obviously rare because no one wants to reproduce something so unnecessary. Just to make you wonder how much it is. You can't even find the words to Google Shop it because it is undefinable. Then the gift giver feels educated and mystical because you are baffled. They will also feel sly because they spent $6.99 cash meanwhile you gave them gift card to Pier 1 Imports for $150. These are not your friends. If they also are the types that send you mass texts then they are definitely not your friends. You should evacuate them from your social circle.

TIP #5: Do not buy the XBox 360 game console. You will most likely die.

Black Friday arrives as our bodies are still in digestion mode. Some people camp out over night while in digestion mode. They do not have sufficient sleep. They are very irritable. Therefore, Black Friday can be dangerous. When people hear the words "Prices Have Been Slashed" a sociopathic switch goes off where they are morphed into an animalistic state, like that of Michael Jackson in the Thriller video sans amazing dance choreography and illin' yellow contacts, and love for the fellow man is no more. If you decide to buy your friends a Keurig at Walmart (make sure you buy the pods because if you don't you are an asshole) and also wear a helmet. I've seen aftermath footage on Fox News of Black Friday and it is frightening. It is very similar to the scene in Natural Born Killers where Tommy Lee Jones' ravished, dead head is being pranced around on a stick. You are basically waiting to be released from behind a barricade along with 40,000 of the type of people who wake up at 5 am on a Sunday "Just Because" who will literally eat your arm while stepping on your head if you are within reach of the much coveted LG Blu-Ray player.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my list of tips for Holiday Season 2012. May you and everyone you know that you sort of maybe care about have a great holiday and get everything you desire that you will lose interest in after 15 minutes unless it's an iPhone. So definitely get an iPhone. 

VH1 Presents Behind The Music: Jem & The Holograms.

In the midst of the 1980's, Jem and the Holograms were the darlings of pop rock music. A side project put together by Prince, they were initially dubbed The Wet Walls Of Wild & Purple Sexy Juice Nastys. Only to have to change it after learning that a Moroccan wedding band had already coined the name.



Here is Jem on the night that changed her life forever:
It was highly publicized when Jem made allegations claiming that after a night out at Miami club The Electric Spandex Barracuda Cheekz, she was gang banged inside of a bathroom stall by Gumby and his Japanese protege, Ayumbi. Charges were later dropped after the parties reached a undisclosed settlement outside of court.



































In March of 1989 on a trip to his native country of El Salvador, Jem's long time boyfriend Rio died tragically in a seven hour knife fight over his Horchata. Since then she has taken a vow to bring peace to the world as a Global Ambassador. Even though she still wears painted shit on her face.












































































Jem realized her drug addiction was out of control when she came close to knocking on death's door. According to Jem's tell all book "Totally Outrageous: Well At Least I Heard It Was But I Was Too Fucked Up On Blow And Qualudes To Remember", she recalls being with Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx the night he shot up heroin and died in his leather pants and then came back to life and then died again but not really. Shortly after, Jem checked herself into a Utah rehab facility equipped with a swingset and small petting zoo and left Hollywood for good. She felt it was time to do some soul searching and subsequently joined a missionary. These days, she gives out cans of pork and beans and creamed corn at the church.

11 pm- Friday Night At Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring these guys:















Yo bro, so I met this chick Gina, she's fuckin' bangin'. Boobs out to there and shit.
Yeah, where'd you meet her?
Fucking Mirage, bro. I was dancin', doin' my fist pump and I see her over in the corner looking all cute so I go up to her and I'm like 'Yo, ill beats, right? And shes like 'Yeah.' So I shoved my tongue down her throat.
Yo, that's cool. Hold up, I'm gonna go in and get a protein bar and a dutch.
Yeah yo. I want another Stacker 2.
Yo son, your hair's moving a little bit.
Word? Fix that shit.
Here, I got you. I got some Rave gel in the Civic.
No doubt. You my boy.
Yo, I got the Best of Ultra Dance Club House Party Hits Spring Break Cabo 2008.
Nah yo, chill. I got that shit. Put on KTU.
Yeah yo.
Turn up the bass, son.
Yo, let's go to club and get some bitches.
Hell yeah, bro.

Originally Published 6/14/08 and now guys like this have television shows and can afford rehab.

11:30 PM Friday Night- Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring These Things:


















Hey bitch, I love your hair. Who does your highlights?
My girl over at Giorgio's. She's the best. I love her.
Yeah, it looks hot.
Thanks bitch. Hey, you got good color.
Yeah, I've been goin' tannin' 16 times a week in the Ultra Solar Mega Sun 5000 tanning bed. I gotta get my nails done tomorrow though. They're starting to look mad skanky. I wanna get some french tips with an airbrushed design of like tropical shit like a flamingo or a big ass palm tree, you know?
Flamingos are the shit. I want one.
Yeah. Oh, how's Mario?
We broke up.
Oh my God. Why?
He threw me out of a window the other day.
Seriously? Like a window?
Yeah, I'm okay though. I met some guy the other day when I was working at the salon. He wanted his back waxed and, oh my God, let me tell you, so hot. He came in with diamond Chanel earrings, Diesel jeans and an Armani shirt. I swear, I was like gonna die on the floor right there.
Seriously?
Yeah, I'm like in love and shit.
Hey, is that the new Juicy bag?
Yeah. I needed it.
So cute. Hey, why you hangin' out with that brunette slut?
I met her at my job. She's mad hairy and shit like that so she comes in a lot for arm waxes. She's okay.
She's a Jersey skank. I heard she gets abortions like once a month or something. That's why her boobs are like stretchy and down to her stomach. And her hair extensions are the worst. So nasty.
I just realized that she was using my lip gloss before.
Ew, did she use her finger?
No, oh my God, I have to throw that out! She probably has herpes. She gets down everynight with like every guy ever.
Ew. Hoebag.
Whatever. Ok I gotta go, there's no cute guys here. Love you, bitch.

Published 6/16/2008 and these girls are now mothers. 

I'm Definately Going To Get Beat Up By A Strange Man In a John Deere Cap For This

Hi y'all! I was out in the back with my Pa before and he goes "Hey MaryLouBethAnn, you see that there armadillo near that big ol' boulder over there?" And then I saw it. It was big. So Pa went into the shed and took out the big stick that we use when we go wrangle some gators and he got that armadillo good. Now his big ol' head is up in the den. I hang my hat up on it sometimes.

Wanna see my son, Jimbo? He's a cutey.

















Once he shoved a blue crayon in his ear and we never got it out. Doctors said he's fine, he just can't hear all too well. So when we need him to go pick up some twigs, we just throw the remote at his head. Then he knows he's got some chores to do.


So then I got me this best friend Daisy Joe.
















She's got some big ol' titties on her. She's stuck on the floor for life like that because her back done went out. I told her I'd help her up and everything but it's really hard.

Alright y'all, I'ma go fix me some cornbread. Long live Jesus. God bless. Jesus came and died or whatever. John 3:16

Originally written 8/19/08. God I'm old.

If My Mother Sold Stuff On Ebay...

"Up for, ah, auction is a purple fringey jacket that I had sex in."






















"Whateva. Then I got these jeans with the bows that I wore in 1991. I can't get them off because my socks get stuck so I don't want them no more, k."
























"Then I got this beautiful blazer from a yard sale. I'm going through my changes and I get, um, hot flashes, so I don't want it. It's a size, ah frig, I don't even know. Whateva."
























"What else? Balls. Oh, I got this cassette that I don't need no more because I got an IPod from my fiance. Yeah. He rides motorcycles."























"I also got big suede pocketbooks with ripped lining and sexy fireman calendars if you want those. Thanks for, um, viewin' my auction."


Originally Published 7-21-08 and my mother still hasn't sold a thing.

Model Mayhem Photographer

I wrote this when I was really, really tired. That's all. Hope you like:

(MODEL MAYHEM PHOTOGRAPHER IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER PERUSING THROUGH MODELING PORTFOLIOS ON THE WEB. HE SPOTS ONE AND BEGINS TO COMPOSE AN EMAIL)

V.O.:

Dear JessicaTheFox69, I really dig your look. You remind me of a cross between a young Raquel Welch and an old, drunk Andy Dick. A little about me: I’ve been photographing for nine weeks and when I’m not photographing I play Pet Society. I hope you can take a minute to try to see what my eyes see inside my head. The eyes deep inside my face's head. I hope you will help bring my vision to reality. Tell me if this intrigues you: I see you in my mind on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean near Jones Beach and you are holding a Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA LP. You are still. Then, I see you underwater in an inground pool, swimming near a stranger’s hairy leg. You are expressionless and your hair is in a bun.  Can you see my vision? I also see you on a roof top overlooking a city under nuclear attack. You are fearless and wear beige chiffon. Then in another image, I imagine you on the Long Island Railroad, Eastbound Ronkonkoma line. You put all your luggage in a Loehmann’s bag. It says to the viewer “I am a minimalist”. Do you now envision my vision? I see you standing on a cliff in a desert wearing mittens and and holding four crayons. You are screaming “I don’t care!” from your mind and only people that know will know what you are probably screaming. I hope you can see all these things and not have a limited view of what true art is. 

Candice Engel Moves To LA

Can You Say Absurd?

 
This is the what happens when I bake cookies.
Doesn't it look like 26 Mr. Bills on a raft coming from Cuba or something?




Originally Published 6/9/08. No idea what occasion that was that prompted me to bake.

Guy Brain VS Girl Brain

Girl:
Why isn't he calling me? I think it was my zit. Maybe it was my headband. I knew I shouldn't have worn it. God, I'm so dumb. Did I say something stupid? I don't think so. I mean, I barely spoke. Oh no, I think I over giggled. Maybe that's why. Great, now he thinks I'm an airhead. Okay, I'll wait two days and if doesn't call me then I'll text him something like a smiley face or the word 'Hi'. No, I don't know. Urgh, I thought he was it. Our kids would've been so cute. It's not fair. The psychic told me that we belong together. God, does he not see this? I'm so the one. Maybe he met someone already. I'm gonna kill her. She's not the one. I am. I have to get my mind off of this. I know, I'll go to Forever 21 and buy a new top.

Guy:
Hot Dogs are good.

Girl:
Okay so I don't know if I should get an extra small or a small. All these shirts suck. I'm so depressed. I hate going to the mall alone. See, if he called me, he could've came here with me and gave me an opinion. I don't want anything. Forget it.

Guy:
Hot dog or Whopper Jr? I'll get both.

Girl:
Urgh, God. My hair is getting greasy. It's that new shampoo. What a waste of $4.29. Maybe I could bring it back. Oh shit, I spit my gum out on the receipt. Why does everything have to be so hard in life?

Guy:
Uh oh. I shouldn't have ate both.

Girl:
He still didn't call me. God, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's my flat ass. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm calling my mother.

Guy:
I gotta take a dump. Oh, awesome, gas station bathroom.

Girl:
I'm getting a makeover. That's it. Then when he sees me, he'll be like 'Whoa'. I'm not calling him. Forget that. Wait, should I be the aggressive one? Maybe he's shy and doesn't think I like him. No, nevermind. I'm not chasing him. I need romance in my life. I'm too good for this crap. Am I getting my period or something? When was the last time I got it? Oh shit, I think I am. That's why I keep eating all of those sour worms. I feel so bloated. Yuck. I'm going home.

Guy:
Boobs are squishy.

DOB 6/18/08 

Hangover 3.

The cast of the Hangover Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, and Bradley Cooper are seated at a conference table with the head of Warner Brothers.

Head of Warner Brothers Guy:

Hello boys. I know you’re wondering why we called you in today. We have some exciting news to share. Would you all care for a drink?

The cast look at one another and shrug.

Bradley:

Sure. But just one drink.

Fast forward to the next day. They are now in a hotel bathroom. We see a blow up doll wearing a wig, a chicken running freely, smoke coming out a couch and a naked woman leaving the room. Each of the men slowly wake up from their drunken stupor.

Bradley:

Where are we?

Zach:

I think it’s happened again.

Bradley:

Oh Zach, your eyebrows are gone. And your hair has chunky, blonde highlights. And you have a candy necklace. And you’re wearing a leotard. And a sailor hat. And your arm is missing. And so is your foot. And you have jaundice. And you’re wearing knee guards. And a blouse.

Zach:

Oh? You look the same. You never have any physical damage. It’s not fair. And your aviator sunglasses are always intact.

Bradley:

Wait, we always seem to be missing a friend. That’s our main plot, right? Where’s that one guy who never got to be on a major magazine cover like we did?

(The two scramble and check the bathroom where Ed Helms is lying on the floor. He is now awakened and turns to face the other two.)

Zach:

Ed! Oh shit, what did you do?

Ed:

What? Is it worse than a missing tooth and tribal tattoo on the entire left side of my face?

(Ed looks into the mirror and gasps when he sees his reflection. He has underwent cosmetic surgery and now has silicone lip enhancement, an eyebrow lift and a chin implant.) 

Ed:

(Screaming) Ah! What the hell happened last night?!

Zach:

I think we signed on for a another sequel.

Ed:

Oh no! Don’t I have enough money so I don’t have to do this again? Can’t I get a role in some other film?

Bradley:

Where is the animal that we somehow obtain that doesn’t belong to us that Zach gets emotionally attached to and we nearly lose our lives over every time?

(A lamb stumbles across the hotel floor.)

Zach:

Oh, here it is. Ok it’s a lamb this time. Who does this lamb belong
 to?

(Zach notices something moving on the couch in the corner.)

Zach:

Oh my God, why is Chevy Chase on our couch?

Chevy Chase:

That’s my lamb.

Ed:

Holy shit it IS Chevy Chase! What are you doing here?

Chevy Chase:

Don’t you know Warner Brothers ruins everyone’s career by making sequels and sequels to more sequels. Look at the National Lampoon Vacation movies. You’ll see. You’re going down from here.

Zach:

Ah! Chevy Chase is right. What are we doing?!

The End.

This Is How I Yelp:

This is about a Yogurt place in West Hollywood. Goes a little something like this:

While digging into the depths of my purse for a piece of scrap paper to do math on, I found me a Ralph's receipt. On one side was an overview of my VERIFIED TOTAL SAVINGS OF $2.99 with the usage of my mini Ralph's card while the other side displayed colorful and vibrant ads for fun things like full service car washes and $3 off mani/pedi happy time. Then I see the word "Yogurt" and bust out the scissors. Being that I live in LA, yogurt is a primary source of protein in my diet. Smoothies are pretty rad too. But yogurt incorporates a neon plastic spoon with an animated smiley head on it. Which beats the fuck out of a straw.
Anyway, I neatly place the coupon, which gives you a choice of either Buy One Get One 50% Off $1.00 off 10 oz cup, into my wallet.
Later on that afternoon, I dragged my man (who would much rather eat some sort of gigantic $8 hotdog or an In and Out burger) and ventured off to D'Yogurt with much childlike enthusiasm in hopes to score something tart that is reminiscent of the pure shit I ingested as a kid. A la rock candy or sour patch watermelons except without the breaking of teeth, dental work you and Delta PPO paid money for in order to restore broken teeth and guilt. Upon entrance I was greeted by a not so svelte yogurt mascot who I presume owns all the land."Hi may I help you?" He utters. "Yes, I have a coupon." "Let me see this coupon now." I sheeplessly grab my wallet and hand him my mini colorful clipping."May I use the buy one get one 50% off one today and the other another time?" "No!" He exclaims.''One coupon, one time!" I then feel immense shame as well as a tinge of disgust due the amount of facial hair and sweat displayed on one face in one moment. And for some reason, I direct myself towards the machines and pile in their runny yogurt and toppings. The big, burly man weighs and says the prices. I then reply "Oh, well if it's that cheap, I will get more." "No!" He fumes. "I have weighed it, it is done. You can not add anymore." I turn to my cohort and we do the look that we know as the You Believe This Fucking Guy? I'm Not Gonna Cause A Scene, I'm Just Gonna Get More Coupons and Only Come When This Guy's Off and Blast His Ass On Yelp and Keep My Dignity look. I then hand him my punch card, which they claim if you buy 10 you get one free. Yet in my case, two yogurts were equivalent to one. "I can not punch two. I have to make money so I can not do this."
If this is the case Mr. Fuzzy-Puffy, you should refrain from offering coupons and such discount cards. A customer should never have to feel inadequate for responding to whatever supposed deals you offer.

Eat this.

You can find me Yelp about more places that don't matter here: XBleachheadX.Yelp.com

90% of Missed Connections Are Written With Such Great Punctuoootions:

Incomtax office - m4w - 41

Date: 2012-02-13, 8:11AM PST Reply to: Reply To This Post

i saw you there,you went directly to deep heart.so you are sweet like sweets,may you read it pl responce for chat.


Hey guy its not about you right now. Whitey Hutton just died. Your love can prevail next week.

The Adventures of Kitty Lohan: Part 1.

Fridays At Batcave: Sexy Doggy Goth Night Featuring Music From Dead Or Alive, The Cure, Peter Murphy, Sisters Of Mercy & Others. $10 Without Ad.

Yeah.

Originally Published 4/16/08

Mariachi El Bronx?

Seriously?

I spent years avoiding the subway car that had mariachi singers on it and now it's the next big wave?

I remember my state of oh fuckness when I would spot all six of them making their way onto the E train. I would immediately start cursing myself for not buying a massive pair of Dre headphones and then feign death and/or avoid all eye contact.

Uh, I Found More Oddballs....

Wow.
She just totally makes me just wanna like completely have sex.

This is Angelo Annunziata from 62nd St & 23rd Ave in Brooklyn

You know he's saying:


I can't with this snow.
I mean, come on, really now.
It's like up to here almost.
You believe this?
Frig this.
Unbelievable.

Staple Remover Conga Line By Keith Engel.

Catering to Those With Upside Down Eyeballs.

Fucked Up Cupcake Dog.

Here he comes.
Grr.

Bitch Lips.

The other week I took it upon myself to google my name and came across some very disheartening information. I found a link to a "contest" I applied to in hopes of winning some insane amount of money that I would surely blow on 5" stiletto boots or a sequined garment of some sort. Nonetheless, this site contained pictures I myself supplied. At the time, I figured this wouldn't be google-able. You googley. Googley boogley. Yet it was and it came equipped with an "Add your comment" section. As I read on, I learned many numerous things about myself including that I am "too skinny" and I that my lips protrude when I take pictures. This I am aware of. Fuckers. Yeah you, fat fucks you. But my poochy lip action is triggered by a camera lens. I can not control this for I have had this condition for many years.

Examples:
High School Bitch Lips:



















Bitch Lips Circa 2004























Present day Bitch Lips:















As I browse through photos of my brothers, I am beginning to believe that this may be hereditary. Could this poochy lipness stem from my Italian descent? Could it just be a Bronx thing? Whatever it may be, I have proof of this through my brothers' self photography via the BlackBerry camera sessions. Let's take a look:

Here we have older brother:




























Older photo demonstrating simultaneous sibling bitch lippin' in motion:


















Next we have the youngest of us all. This one is popular with the ladies. The poochy lip gene is now beginning to show as he blossoms into a grown, gym addicted, stud muffin of some sort.






























So that basically sums up why I can not control what occurs with my lips when prompted to pose. I have since deleted myself from that contest and moved on and learned from this experience and grew and now I am stronger and wiser and believe in women's rights and PETA and donate my eggs for women incapable of bearing children and give my seat to the elderly and handicapped on the N6 and went Green and took interest in purchasing a Hybrid.

?

Creepy.

So This Is the Newest Thing In Fashion: The Harem Pant.

According to the photos, there's already been three whole people resorting themselves to this.
Looks like your vagina just gave out and quit and remained at knee level.

I Just Can't Shut the Fuck Up Today.

So I bought one of those sexy-slutty-Halloween-costumes-in-a-plastic-bag that no one is ever allowed to try on. It was 65% off and it was patent leather. Thus, I needed it. It's of a French Maid and I'm not going to post pictures because this isn't MySpace and this does nothing for my boobs. Anyway, it came with a doofy hat thing and I feel as though I look more like a whore chef than anything. I don't know why I waste my money on such shit. I could've bought like 45 yogurts instead.

I wonder how completely awkward it would be to bring up as much cringe worthy shit to the counter person at Rite Aid? Like super plus absorbency tampons, a pregnancy test, 36 count adult size suppositories, Vagisil, hot when you blow on it lube and a buy one get one free enemas. There are times in life where you need to purchase one of those things, in which case you sort of look around the bend and see if anyone from High School, an ex, or someone you would sleep with is near your vicinity. Then you quickly grab your item and conceal it with your coat/bag/US Weekly magazine and run to the oldest, most senile looking counter woman who you know can't read the label because the letters are too small. Then you bring it home and hide it in your sock drawer. Except for the tampons. Now imagine all of that? I should do that and then attempt to return everything the next day and see how awkward life can get.

Candice Engel bleaching the bathtub on a Friday night. Ow!
Fri at 11:39pm via Facebook for BlackBerry.