Saturday, November 15, 2014

Tis The Season...?

















I guess.

Being that I live in climate controlled Los Angeles, the only way I was made fully aware of this was upon purchasing a cup of Starbucks coffee, which was now red and featured a very happy, winking snowman in a top hat. I was perplexed at the time for I was also standing near a palm tree set amongst the backdrop of the bright, white sun while dripping a combination of sweat and SPF 45. The thought of Christmas fast approaching reactivated my once dormant anxiety. I imagined having to spend an inordinate amount of money as well as time asking people what they want, shopping for what they want, waiting in lines to buy what they want, wrapping what they want and then having to hang out with them to give them what they want. I then have a silent panic attack and go on to drink more coffee.


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Me N' Alf.

I had my only Tinder fling. 
And it was with Alf.
Here's the story:







He understood me.







He was a great listener. 



I gave him my number. 
My outgoing texts were green so I assumed that he was either using Google Voice or an Android. Either way, not cool.






He took me for sushi, my favorite.



He won me Batman at the arcade. 




He was starting to get possessive. I secretly like that. 
Whoops, there goes that secret. 




We got dressed up and went dancing at the goth club. This is his look I call, "Alfin Gore". 
(He stole the spotlight. )





Then this shit happened:


Whelp, there goes that. 





Monday, July 14, 2014

I Found My Old Yelp Reviews and They're Kind of Absurd.

A majority of these Yelp entries were written during my coupon phase. 














Thursday, July 10, 2014

Hi, I Went on a Tangent About a Book.

As a person with an endless desire to think about everything, I've come to realize that many of us tend to speak to those we have feelings for in riddles, as methods of communication are becoming more and more impaired. Heartbroken? Upload a YouTube video with the word "damaged" somewhere in the song title onto Facebook and have your former love decode the meaning. Did a guy dump you and you never got the opportunity to explain your stance? Post an angry tweet to an audience of followers you bought and hope that maybe one day he'll read it. Sadly, a majority of people do not speak directly to another person to convey their feelings or even treat another kindly if it means they could wind up wounding their pride in the process. It seems as if speaking to the one we claim to love revolves around manipulation, using passive aggressive tactics and even displaying a cold demeanor. I can't grasp this logic since I possess this fun thing called "empathy" which enables me to understand and feel for even the most difficult of people. Leading my friends and family who care about me, to upgrade that extent of caring to a high risk state of worrying about me. When it comes to the way I've handled my relationships, I've gotten some shitty reviews. "You're too nice," is a typical reaction. "I'd tell him to fuck off," is another popular selection. "If he's going to follow other girls on (insert social media network here), go and follow other guys instead of bitching about it." I know they mean well with their opinions but I can't take this advice. All I want in the end is affection and trust. So why on Earth would I go about destroying any chances of that by showing someone early on that I can not be trusted? And besides, Super Personal Alert: A lot of memories I have growing up were of my parent's constant tango throughout the process of their divorce that was filled with a lack of communication and a impressive amount of games.  Games that were used to get a rise out of the other since vocalization apparently was never an option. I can never comprehend how one could harbor such wounded feelings. I remember long car rides with my father, laying in the backseat alone listening to all the classic rock love songs he'd play and paying attention to every lyric. And being with my mother while she attempted to belt out the notes to Gloria Estefan's "The Words Get in the Way." Now I can see why these songs were listened to on such heavy rotation. Perhaps society respects the artists behind love songs so much because someone managed to take the feelings everyone fears and turn them into something beautiful. All those emotions you have a hard time expressing, someone wrote them out for you and now you can sing along to them. Love songs will always be extremely important to me for they are sung from people I can identify with. People who can feel for someone on such a level where it's so strong it can be made into art. With that being said, I could never find a part inside of me that would go about retaliating in any vengeful manner even if the pain from another mounts to a height where it would be justified.  Nowhere in that song did Ms. Estefan say, "But the words get in the way. There's so much I want to say. But it's locked deep inside so now I'm going to follow a male model on Instagram." 

All this leads me to wonder: Why is this behavior where one's own fear of being hurt results in using mind games to control anothers' emotions as well as their own? 
Why has it become so morally acceptable? 
What the hell happened?



Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dentistry Can Be Funistry.

A few weeks ago, I had to get Oral Surgery Extreme for the first time. It was a procedure I never even knew existed. It was so unheard of I had to go to the special dental God of teeth in the far off land of Glendale, California. I mean, I have had some pretty bad experiences at the dentist prior to this. When I was a kid, I had to get 4 teeth pulled to make room for awesome braces. It didn't feel oh-so spectacular yanking them out all at once and I might've been a little theatrical with my reaction. So much so the overweight assistant thought a soothing approach to this would be to sit on me. In which case, she went and sat on me. So serene. Later in my teens, my stepmom found a great dentist in the nostalgic neighborhood of Forest Hills that I grew up in who accepted her plan. On the day of my appointment, we walked into an apparent 1960's nuclear fallout shelter: Mint green walls, ceilings and floors, dental instruments that have been dental instruments during the Kennedy administration and a man about 8,070 years old with round, black rimmed glasses thicker than his own head. Needless to say, I grew a bouffant. No, needless to say, I freaked out and never went back to that guy. These days I'm usually not that miffed by the idea of going to the dentist and try to go once every other month as a precautionary measure so that I never need a root canal again. Not because it's painful, but because it's expensive. Fear of the dentist should never be so crippling that you turn into someone walking around looking like a pirate on purpose. But when my new special super dentist looked at my x-ray and explained the reality of the situation in utmost detail, fear started to creep up on me and I slowly realized that this was not going to be fun:


Thursday, February 13, 2014

How To Somewhat Enjoy Valentine's Day.


Hey guys, guess what? Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Yes, time to make like you actually do like your "loved" one. Buy heart shaped things with heart shaped designs on them that are found inside of other heart shaped things. And probably a card too. But it also means that you should be on your best behavior and refrain from having any outbursts or unnecessary tantrums for an entire day. Here’s some greatly overlooked typical Valentine's Day issues that should be avoided: 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

How To Make Sure You Will Not Be Embarrassed After You Die.

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I think about death quite a bit. Sometimes it gets to the point where I won't leave the house for an entire day for I will think to myself  "Hey Candice, you know if you go out today, there's a possibility that you may die." I understand it's a little much but fact of the matter is, it's true. Yes of course I could croak in my apartment by perhaps choking on a baby carrot or somehow accidentally eating hair dye, but walking around Los Angeles is certainly more likely. On an average day I come close to being hit by a car at least twice because as I believe the case to be, LA drivers have this superhuman power where they can actually see through pedestrians. Either that or if they do see our kind, their brains don't quite register right away what this object is moving before them since it is not in the shape of a vehicle. Leisurely strolls are something to be found in dreams as I am always to be on a high alert while walking. I'm aware of the obvious fact that my death will occur at some point and there's nothing I can do about it. What perturbs the control freak of a woman I am is that I don't know when this event will take place. And there are many little things that could be overlooked; Loose ends that you don't tend to which may leave you with a bit of a strange reputation if they are to be noticed without explanation. I would prefer to have things in place before I were to leave this world in order to facilitate my need to maintain a good name. Let's say I were to be expecting company, my home would be tidy without the usual hot pink bra on the couch or all the glitter in the kitchen sink from making my boyfriend gifts coated in 8 layers of sparkle madness (poor guy). The house would smell like a giant Citrus Tango Yankee candle as opposed to it's recent putrid microwaved bacon aroma that my roommate is ever-so keen on. I would like it if there were a way to take the same approach when it comes to how my body were to be found once it decides it's going to expire. For all I know, I could die in my sleep wearing a Jem and the Holograms shirt and bicycle shorts with a massive poof for hair on my head. I have no idea and it will forever weigh on my mind. Hence why if I am to leave the house, there's no way I would do so wearing a pair of sneakers and sweat pants with vainglorious claims such as "#1 Princess of the World" printed on them.  The day I do that is the day a Prius mistakes me for a car lane and runs me down. Understandably. Nevertheless, with that being said, here are some pointers on how to NOT be embarrassed after you have dropped dead:



Friday, January 31, 2014

Vines Galore.




(Shitty quality I know but I'm no Tim Burton.)

Monday, December 30, 2013

Another Post About My Relentless Faith in the Lost and Abandoned Underwater City Called "Love"

Bloop bloop.

People keep telling me to date, to have many options and just have a "blast". Not knowing how I may have succumbed to signing up for meat market sites and apps such as OkCupid and Tinder. I've tried both momentarily just to see what this could feel like. I felt nothing. I just couldn't get into it. I think I liked Tinder for a period of 30 minutes to take screenshots of the single man photos. I've learned that men in Los Angeles have some pretty unique things in common. One of which being posing with a tiger. Something on many an LA man's to-do list. Where one goes to acquire a photo session with an actual willing tiger I do not know. I'm going to have to assume that somewhere within 2 miles of Hollywood lies an underground big cat zoo dubbed Ford: Tiger Division. A place where tiger models wait with their portfolios and comp cards, wide-eyed and eager to be apart of your fashion world. Until Terry Richardson walks in and their lives are turned upside down as they are now sprawled along an unfurnished apartment's floor wearing nothing but American Apparel disco shorts and knee high socks in the aftermath of a four day cocaine binge. Maybe I'm wrong. Other popular Tinder photography includes far off in a distance mid-hiking shots. These are great because you get to learn right off the bat that the person you have stumbled upon thoroughly enjoys being one with nature. In which case, I thoroughly enjoy being one with noping the shit out of you. If you love the great outdoors, that's one thing. You're only entitled to five photos on Tinder and if you dedicate one of those slots to a picture a pal took of you from two mountains away where your posture is being severely impacted by your seventy pound assorted rock climbing shoe and flare gun filled backpack, then you make a whole lot of NO SENSE. Allow me to type as I'd text for one minute:


Thursday, October 31, 2013

Slut Cops: The Movie


Being Halloween and all, I have a slight feeling that later on today when I venture off to the West Hollywood Parade I will surely end up annoyed by the many walks of life that will be present. Some of which will include a girl with those humungous 8 foot wide feathered angel wings that take up an entire car lane, the idiot with the pointy and very unnecessary bullshit thing on his shoulder that is capable of stabbing me through the face, the drunken guy disguised as drunken foam hotdog guy, Cheech but with no Chong because he smoked the costume and of course, 8,000 Slut Cops. So many of them walking aimlessly back and forth like some sort of Slut Cop zombie nation along Santa Monica Boulevard eventually being splattered upon it's sidewalks in the throes of hysteric episodes because their boyfriend, Super Mario with felt mustache, made out with Slut Pumpkin. But being that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, let's make believe that Slut Cops serve a purpose to the community asides from looking sexy on a budget and with limited creativity. That way when you inevitably bump into one today, you can look at them in less of a demeaning light. Regardless of whether you are a female who would typically take pleasure in viciously smearing the contents of a bottle of Nair onto their head or a male who just wants to bone them. So, here's Slut Cops: The Movie.




    Slut Cops is a romantic comedy about two former models (Banks, Fisher) who at 37 years old, have surpassed their peak yet have the difficulty of coming to terms with their diminishing career and accepting a life with an average, run of the mill 9-5 job. When their rent controlled apartment goes up in flames after Banks leaves her flat iron on her cat, they are forced to seek a new means of accumulating income other than receiving residual checks and selling their old boots on eBay. They answer an ad on Craigslist from the private investigation company "Sexy Surveillance", operated by surly ex-cop (Eric Stoltz), which seeks attractive women to become undercover agents aimed at catching cheating spouses. Together the girls lurk in seedy taverns and local dive bars enticing husbands in question in order to collect as much photographic documentation to prove acts of infidelity. Obliging to all sorts of zany proposals, Banks and Fisher have the time of their lives regaining the sex appeal they had long lost in 2002. That is until they bust top notch, sort of fat guy with a super shiny ponytail, mob boss (Val Kilmer.) His wife (Mercedes Ruehl) threatens to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, in which case she gets half of his assets as well as child support permitting her to live the rest of her life watching the Oxygen Network on an otherwise zero income of her own. Also stars Owen Wilson for no reason and Matthew McConaughey just to make it somewhat romantic. Directed by that one guy who directed that movie with the girl with the face and written by Who Gives a Shit Man who takes up two parking spots at the Universal Studios stages lot with his 2014 Volkswagen Who Gives a Shit About That Either hatchback. Craft services provided by Doug "The Fork" O'Rouke. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Idealistic 90's Revival: The Telephone Conversation

The other night a friend of mine contacted me to tell me she wanted to hang out and talk about a recent turning point in her life that she was super excited about. I decided I needed a break from diagnosing myself with nervous system disorders on WebMD and left the house. We went out for a drive where she went into a story of how she had just met someone in LA who was different from those she dated in the past. Typical story thus far. Everyone comes off as pleasant and on their best behavior in the first few weeks. But here's the kicker: Right after she gave him her number, he did an astonishing thing: He called her. This was strange. "Wait, he called you??!" I responded, just in case I had misheard something.  She quickly assured me with a "Dude, right?!" In which case I was all "What?! You mean, with your VOICE THING?" (I didn't say that but it would've been kind of cool if I did.) She went on to say that they did cute little impersonations, told jokes and related on many levels during their 2 hour conversation. I'll admit it, I was jealous. I haven't done this Get-To-Know-a-Guy-Over-the-Phone thing since 1998. Shit, man. I never let myself have expectations and tend to tell dudes to take me to a dinky diner or a cafe for a date since it's a comfortable setting for me but a phone conversation? Wow, if I could that and then go to Canters I'd feel like a princess.



Saturday, October 12, 2013

How To Passive Aggressively Get Your Male Roommate To Move Out.

As I've stated in previous posts, my former husband and I broke up earlier this year. Surprisingly, we remain good friends and do favors for one another whenever we can. He moved out and in his caring Canadian way, told me that I could stay in this apartment without changing the lease. My options were that I could live here alone or rent out the bedroom or even the living room to someone else. Since I am accustomed to being uncomfortable, I took the living room and rented out the bedroom. I was never in there much to begin with and spent most of my time near the front door so that I could easily evacuate the apartment if my ex-husband were to start doing that thing where he'd talk about house music, Detroit house music, techno house music, techno techno music and how we don't have sex. As a person who doesn't know other people, I took my search for a roommate to Craigslist. A great website where you can meet some real all-stars in your area. My first potential co-occupant was a 24 year old ex-party girl who seemed to be going through a phase of enlightenment. So much so that her imagination was clear and vivid and it involved installing shelves in my home, refinishing the wood in an English oak hue, painting the bathroom and retiling the countertops. She was the type of person that expressed such an amount of overzealous joy without shutting the fuck up that your personality excuses itself because it just can't handle all that is exploding right in front of you and you're left standing there with only the mere ability to nod every once in a while. Regardless to say, I later sent her a text that simply read "Nope." I was already going through a huge change called No More Husband and didn't want to deal with energized, dominant female looking to play arts & crafts with my apartment like it was some sort of fun project to eventually sell on Etsy. I then continued my search and interviewed other prospective roommates. Some of which included a man with a tinge of I Can't Help But Rape In My Sleep look to his eyes, a girl who seemed as if she just took ADHD medication that she found in someone else's purse and a few typical Craigslist flakes. All hope was lost until this wonderful thing happened: A young guy in his 20's came over and said these words "Ok this place is nice. I don't have anything but a sleeping bag and some shaving cream and I keep to myself." I said "Cool, you're in!" He had a girlfriend that he couldn't stop talking about so I knew he wouldn't invade my bed in the middle of the night as I slept alone and vulnerable in zit cream. A completely harmless person whom I had a good feeling about. He still stays in his room for the most part and I think collectively I may have seen him 12 times during these last few months. So with that being said, I do feel as if I live alone in a studio apartment. But the fact is no matter how much I can make myself believe otherwise, I still have a roommate. And we all have moments where we just want to be alone. So I thought to myself: What could be the most passive aggressive tactics one can use to get their male roommates to leave their living quarters? This is what I came up with while I sat around on yet another eventful Friday night in face mask:


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Adventures of Trader Joe's Guy.

As an avid thinker of absolutely nothing, I wondered to myself: Does the Trader Joe's "Captain" wear his glorious Hawaiian shirt in a life outside of the Trader Joe's facility? With this ever-present need to know, I took my ponderings to Google. Again, as they tend to be, my assumptions were in fact truths. Here are some rare images of Trader Joe's Guy in mid-adventure:





I found this gem on an old archive site that had stored away various images from Hit Parader magazine. Here's Trader Joe's Guy '84 being a pretty bitchin' dude as he hangs with Van Halen on a nice, sunny day:



Trader Joe's Guy remained bitchin' throughout the 90's as well. Here's a shot of him crowd surfing during a NOFX set at Van's Warped Tour '98:


Trader Joe's guy clearly loves his outdoor festivals. So much so that this past summer he rented an RV and drove to Black Rock Desert in Nevada for the annual Burning Man event. Here he is after taking 12 double dipped hits of acid posing for a group shot with whom he called "Big White Oblong Head Bag Man" and others. All of which are not real people, only mere open-eye visuals from his psychedelically hallucinatory imagination:


Trader Joe's Guy also loves to take time out to relax and unwind. Just like he's doing here at Morongo Casino and Resort after winning $35 on the Wheel of Fortune slot along with his Aunt Rose and her girlfriends from the assisted living home:


Monday, October 7, 2013

Let's Talk About Being Single.

Now that I'm single for the first time in 8 years, I forgot about all that's involved when it comes to dating. From the planning, to deciding on what shoes to wear, to the "Oh wait, you're not my ex, I should probably put on some pants that smell good" to the "Hey hi, you're not my ex, whoops, I totally just forgot about sexual boundaries" and then to the "Oh hey, you're not my ex, so I probably can't sit here and do that thing where I binge eat and stare at the wall while I ignore you, huh?" and various other dilemmas. Here are some things that perplex me and make me all the more content on sitting alone at the Coffee Bean like I have been for the last 4 and a half hours.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

And Here We Have Some Fucked Up Dog Wigs.

 
"The Sexin' Perm." 
This wig is aimed at an audience of female dog owners who are not acquainted with the penis of a man.  

 
The "Last Second Halloween Costume Oh Cool Looks Like I'll Be That One Obvious Guy From A Seventies Disco Where I'm Making References From Saturday Night Fever All Night Long Until I'm Passed Out Drunk In a Parking Lot Shit Now Someone Stole My iPhone and Also My Car" wig is a hit at all major celebrations. To further accessorize this look, pair it with a collared shirt. Preferably one with a spiral pattern. (TIP: the more directions that spiral takes on the better). I repeat: THE MORE DIRECTIONS THE SPIRAL TAKES, THE MORE THIS WILL INDICATE YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE PARTICIPANT IN ANY DISCO FRENZY)

"The Toup'"
This works well if your dog aspires to be a politician. Put your dog on the fast track to success in this lovely hair piece that naturally bred Republican descendants would marvel at. Weaved from the bountiful scalps of the original old money, this mahogany masterpiece will have everyone RSVPing to your $8k plate party in a flash.

 
This versatile wig can go many ways. Because it is versatile. And that's what that means. Instructions on how to prep this style range from thrusting yourself face first towards a high powered fan to fancifully tossing yourself out of a 4 story window. The higher the altitude, the better the results. Set with cold and you're good to go.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Here Are the Updated Lyrics to My Brooklyn Song.

"I Got a Cool Haircut, So I'm Gonna Move to Brooklyn."

(Sung by the guy in the B-52's)

*Chorus*
I got a cool haircut.
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn.
I got a cool haircut.
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn.

I'm gonna take the L train.
And then I'm gonna transfer.
I'm going to the Whole Foods.
And I'm gonna eat some tempeh.

I got a cool haircut.
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn.

I'm gonna ride my bicycle.
Bicycle with the basket.
I'm going to the thrift store.
I'm gonna buy some corduroys
Woooo!

I got a cool haircut.
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn.

I live in a great, big loft.
Where I make
Some great, big art.
I live with 5 other people.
We share only 1 bathroom.

We all got cool haircuts.
That's why we moved to Brooklyn.

I got, I got me a girlfriend.
She wears
A 90's faded denim jacket
She's got a cool haircut.
That's why she moved to Brooklyn.

We came from South Carolina.
We came from Omaha.
We like to reuse fashion.
We like slip-on shoes.
We like wayfarer glasses.
We like Beacon's Closet.
We like hi-top Reeboks.
We like Indie Rock.

We all got cool haircuts.
That's why we moved to Brooklyn.

I got a cool haircut.
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn.


Saturday, March 30, 2013

Monday, November 5, 2012

VH1 Presents Behind The Music: Jem & The Holograms.

In the midst of the 1980's, Jem and the Holograms were the darlings of pop rock music. A side project put together by Prince, they were initially dubbed The Wet Walls Of Wild & Purple Sexy Juice Nastys. Only to have to change it after learning that a Moroccan wedding band had already coined the name.



Here is Jem on the night that changed her life forever:
It was highly publicized when Jem made allegations claiming that after a night out at Miami club The Electric Spandex Barracuda Cheekz, she was gang banged inside of a bathroom stall by Gumby and his Japanese protege, Ayumbi. Charges were later dropped after the parties reached a undisclosed settlement outside of court.



































In March of 1989 on a trip to his native country of El Salvador, Jem's long time boyfriend Rio died tragically in a seven hour knife fight over his Horchata. Since then she has taken a vow to bring peace to the world as a Global Ambassador. Even though she still wears painted shit on her face.












































































Jem realized her drug addiction was out of control when she came close to knocking on death's door. According to Jem's tell all book "Totally Outrageous: Well At Least I Heard It Was But I Was Too Fucked Up On Blow And Qualudes To Remember", she recalls being with Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx the night he shot up heroin and died in his leather pants and then came back to life and then died again but not really. Shortly after, Jem checked herself into a Utah rehab facility equipped with a swingset and small petting zoo and left Hollywood for good. She felt it was time to do some soul searching and subsequently joined a missionary. These days, she gives out cans of pork and beans and creamed corn at the church.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

11 pm- Friday Night At Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring these guys:















Yo bro, so I met this chick Gina, she's fuckin' bangin'. Boobs out to there and shit.
Yeah, where'd you meet her?
Fucking Mirage, bro. I was dancin', doin' my fist pump and I see her over in the corner looking all cute so I go up to her and I'm like 'Yo, ill beats, right? And shes like 'Yeah.' So I shoved my tongue down her throat.
Yo, that's cool. Hold up, I'm gonna go in and get a protein bar and a dutch.
Yeah yo. I want another Stacker 2.
Yo son, your hair's moving a little bit.
Word? Fix that shit.
Here, I got you. I got some Rave gel in the Civic.
No doubt. You my boy.
Yo, I got the Best of Ultra Dance Club House Party Hits Spring Break Cabo 2008.
Nah yo, chill. I got that shit. Put on KTU.
Yeah yo.
Turn up the bass, son.
Yo, let's go to club and get some bitches.
Hell yeah, bro.

Originally Published 6/14/08 and now guys like this have television shows and can afford rehab.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

11:30 PM Friday Night- Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring These Things:


















Hey bitch, I love your hair. Who does your highlights?
My girl over at Giorgio's. She's the best. I love her.
Yeah, it looks hot.
Thanks bitch. Hey, you got good color.
Yeah, I've been goin' tannin' 16 times a week in the Ultra Solar Mega Sun 5000 tanning bed. I gotta get my nails done tomorrow though. They're starting to look mad skanky. I wanna get some french tips with an airbrushed design of like tropical shit like a flamingo or a big ass palm tree, you know?
Flamingos are the shit. I want one.
Yeah. Oh, how's Mario?
We broke up.
Oh my God. Why?
He threw me out of a window the other day.
Seriously? Like a window?
Yeah, I'm okay though. I met some guy the other day when I was working at the salon. He wanted his back waxed and, oh my God, let me tell you, so hot. He came in with diamond Chanel earrings, Diesel jeans and an Armani shirt. I swear, I was like gonna die on the floor right there.
Seriously?
Yeah, I'm like in love and shit.
Hey, is that the new Juicy bag?
Yeah. I needed it.
So cute. Hey, why you hangin' out with that brunette slut?
I met her at my job. She's mad hairy and shit like that so she comes in a lot for arm waxes. She's okay.
She's a Jersey skank. I heard she gets abortions like once a month or something. That's why her boobs are like stretchy and down to her stomach. And her hair extensions are the worst. So nasty.
I just realized that she was using my lip gloss before.
Ew, did she use her finger?
No, oh my God, I have to throw that out! She probably has herpes. She gets down everynight with like every guy ever.
Ew. Hoebag.
Whatever. Ok I gotta go, there's no cute guys here. Love you, bitch.

Published 6/16/2008 and these girls are now mothers. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm Definately Going To Get Beat Up By A Strange Man In a John Deere Cap For This






















Hi y'all! I was out in the back with my Pa before and he goes "Hey MaryLouBethAnn, you see that there armadillo near that big ol' boulder over there?" And then I saw it. It was big. So Pa went into the shed and took out the big stick that we use when we go wrangle some gators and he got that armadillo good. Now his big ol' head is up in the den. I hang my hat up on it sometimes.

Wanna see my son, Jimbo? He's a cutey.

















Once he shoved a blue crayon in his ear and we never got it out. Doctors said he's fine, he just can't hear all too well. So when we need him to go pick up some twigs, we just throw the remote at his head. Then he knows he's got some chores to do.


So then I got me this best friend Daisy Joe.
















She's got some big ol' titties on her. She's stuck on the floor for life like that because her back done went out. I told her I'd help her up and everything but it's really hard.

Alright y'all, I'ma go fix me some cornbread. Long live Jesus. God bless. Jesus came and died or whatever. John 3:16

Originally written 8/19/08. God I'm old.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

If My Mother Sold Stuff On Ebay...

"Up for, ah, auction is a purple fringey jacket that I had sex in."






















"Whateva. Then I got these jeans with the bows that I wore in 1991. I can't get them off because my socks get stuck so I don't want them no more, k."
























"Then I got this beautiful blazer from a yard sale. I'm going through my changes and I get, um, hot flashes, so I don't want it. It's a size, ah frig, I don't even know. Whateva."
























"What else? Balls. Oh, I got this cassette that I don't need no more because I got an IPod from my fiance. Yeah. He rides motorcycles."























"I also got big suede pocketbooks with ripped lining and sexy fireman calendars if you want those. Thanks for, um, viewin' my auction."


Originally Published 7-21-08 and my mother still hasn't sold a thing.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Model Mayhem Photographer

I wrote this when I was really, really tired. That's all. Hope you like:

(MODEL MAYHEM PHOTOGRAPHER IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER PERUSING THROUGH MODELING PORTFOLIOS ON THE WEB. HE SPOTS ONE AND BEGINS TO COMPOSE AN EMAIL)

V.O.:

Dear JessicaTheFox69, I really dig your look. You remind me of a cross between a young Raquel Welch and an old, drunk Andy Dick. A little about me: I’ve been photographing for nine weeks and when I’m not photographing I play Pet Society. I hope you can take a minute to try to see what my eyes see inside my head. The eyes deep inside my face's head. I hope you will help bring my vision to reality. Tell me if this intrigues you: I see you in my mind on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean near Jones Beach and you are holding a Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA LP. You are still. Then, I see you underwater in an inground pool, swimming near a stranger’s hairy leg. You are expressionless and your hair is in a bun.  Can you see my vision? I also see you on a roof top overlooking a city under nuclear attack. You are fearless and wear beige chiffon. Then in another image, I imagine you on the Long Island Railroad, Eastbound Ronkonkoma line. You put all your luggage in a Loehmann’s bag. It says to the viewer “I am a minimalist”. Do you now envision my vision? I see you standing on a cliff in a desert wearing mittens and holding four crayons. You are screaming “I don’t care!” from your mind and only people that know will know what you are probably screaming. I hope you can see all these things and not have a limited view of what true art is. 


Candice Engel Moves To LA

Can You Say Absurd?








































 
This is the what happens when I bake cookies.
Doesn't it look like 26 Mr. Bills on a raft coming from Cuba or something?




Originally Published 6/9/08. No idea what occasion that was that prompted me to bake.

Guy Brain VS Girl Brain

Girl:
Why isn't he calling me? I think it was my zit. Maybe it was my headband. I knew I shouldn't have worn it. God, I'm so dumb. Did I say something stupid? I don't think so. I mean, I barely spoke. Oh no, I think I over giggled. Maybe that's why. Great, now he thinks I'm an airhead. Okay, I'll wait two days and if doesn't call me then I'll text him something like a smiley face or the word 'Hi'. No, I don't know. Urgh, I thought he was it. Our kids would've been so cute. It's not fair. The psychic told me that we belong together. God, does he not see this? I'm so the one. Maybe he met someone already. I'm gonna kill her. She's not the one. I am. I have to get my mind off of this. I know, I'll go to Forever 21 and buy a new top.

Guy:
Hot Dogs are good.

Girl:
Okay so I don't know if I should get an extra small or a small. All these shirts suck. I'm so depressed. I hate going to the mall alone. See, if he called me, he could've came here with me and gave me an opinion. I don't want anything. Forget it.

Guy:
Hot dog or Whopper Jr? I'll get both.

Girl:
Urgh, God. My hair is getting greasy. It's that new shampoo. What a waste of $4.29. Maybe I could bring it back. Oh shit, I spit my gum out on the receipt. Why does everything have to be so hard in life?

Guy:
Uh oh. I shouldn't have ate both.

Girl:
He still didn't call me. God, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's my flat ass. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm calling my mother.

Guy:
I gotta take a dump. Oh, awesome, gas station bathroom.

Girl:
I'm getting a makeover. That's it. Then when he sees me, he'll be like 'Whoa'. I'm not calling him. Forget that. Wait, should I be the aggressive one? Maybe he's shy and doesn't think I like him. No, nevermind. I'm not chasing him. I need romance in my life. I'm too good for this crap. Am I getting my period or something? When was the last time I got it? Oh shit, I think I am. That's why I keep eating all of those sour worms. I feel so bloated. Yuck. I'm going home.

Guy:
Boobs are squishy.

DOB 6/18/08 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Hangover 3.


The cast of the Hangover Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, and Bradley Cooper are seated at a conference table with the head of Warner Brothers.

Head of Warner Brothers Guy:
Hello boys. I know you’re wondering why we called you in today. We have some exciting news to share. Would you all care for a drink?
The cast look at one another and shrug.
Bradley:
Sure. But just one drink.
Fast forward to the next day. They are now in a hotel bathroom. We see a blow up doll wearing a wig, a chicken running freely, smoke coming out a couch and a naked woman leaving the room. Each of the men slowly wake up from their drunken stupor.
Bradley:
Where are we?
Zach:
I think it’s happened again.
Bradley:
Oh Zach, your eyebrows are gone. And your hair has chunky, blonde highlights. And you have a candy necklace. And you’re wearing a leotard. And a sailor hat. And your arm is missing. And so is your foot. And you have jaundice. And you’re wearing knee guards. And a blouse.
Zach:
Oh? You look the same. You never have any physical damage. It’s not fair. And your aviator sunglasses are always intact.
Bradley:
Wait, we always seem to be missing a friend. That’s our main plot, right? Where’s that one guy who never got to be on a major magazine cover like we did?

(The two scramble and check the bathroom where Ed Helms is lying on the floor. He is now awakened and turns to face the other two.)

Zach:
Ed! Oh shit, what did you do?
Ed:
What? Is it worse than a missing tooth and tribal tattoo on the entire left side of my face?

(Ed looks into the mirror and gasps when he sees his reflection. He has underwent cosmetic surgery and now has silicone lip enhancement, an eyebrow lift and a chin implant.)
 
Ed:
(Screaming) Ah! What the hell happened last night?!

Zach:
I think we signed on for a another sequel.
Ed:
Oh no! Don’t I have enough money so I don’t have to do this again? Can’t I get a role in some other film?
Bradley:
Where is the animal that we somehow obtain that doesn’t belong to us that Zach gets emotionally attached to and we nearly lose our lives over every time?
(A lamb stumbles across the hotel floor.)

Zach:
Oh, here it is. Ok it’s a lamb this time. Who does this lamb belong
 to?
(Zach notices something moving on the couch in the corner.)

Zach:
Oh my God, why is Chevy Chase on our couch?
Chevy Chase:
That’s my lamb.
Ed:
Holy shit it IS Chevy Chase! What are you doing here?
Chevy Chase:
Don’t you know Warner Brothers ruins everyone’s career by making sequels and sequels to more sequels. Look at the National Lampoon Vacation movies. You’ll see. You’re going down from here.
Zach:
Ah! Chevy Chase is right. What are we doing?!

The End.

Monday, February 13, 2012

90% of Missed Connections Are Written With Such Great Punctuoootions:

Incomtax office - m4w - 41

Date: 2012-02-13, 8:11AM PST Reply to: Reply To This Post

i saw you there,you went directly to deep heart.so you are sweet like sweets,may you read it pl responce for chat.


Hey guy its not about you right now. Whitey Hutton just died. Your love can prevail next week.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Mariachi El Bronx?














Seriously?

I spent years avoiding the subway car that had mariachi singers on it and now it's the next big wave?

I remember my state of oh fuckness when I would spot all six of them making their way onto the E train. I would immediately start cursing myself for not buying a massive pair of Dre headphones and then feign death and/or avoid all eye contact.