Saturday, October 11, 2008

Hey, It's That Time Of Year Again.

Time to make your dog look like an asshole.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Battlefield: Sprinkler.

Why is it that every summer I have to be faced with the tiring task of darting in and out of the street to avoid getting sopping wet all because you want a fabulous lawn similiar to that of one in the latest issue of Home and Garden magazine? No one asides from me and possum walk within 10 feet of your front yard to begin with. No one cares about your wonderful grass and no one cares about whatever flower it is that's growing from out of your wonderful grass. Also, why must you feel the need to water the sidewalk? That's where the major problem lies. One day, I'm going to come home from Dunkin Donuts munching on my happy, little multi grain bagel, thinking about bunnies, ponytails and/or Scott Weiland, where from out of nowhere, your oscillating fountain will rapidly shoot gallons upon gallons of water into my path leaving me with no choice but to dive into the street head first, where I will then get pulverized by a Hyundai Accent and be left with one and half legs and a smushed face. All because you HAD TO tend to your stupid garden of shit that's only going to wither away come November. Fuckers.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Lotto People: Move Your Ass.

"Let me get 16 Cashwords and a Bingo. And Pick 4: 39, 52, 31, 7. And...."
Fucking move. All I want to do is pay for this coffee and get the hell out of here. I have to go to work and you just sucked up 5 minutes of my life with your stupid shit. You're never going to be a millionare and the most you're ever going to make is MAYBE $40 so go home and do a sudoku or something and get the hell out of my 711 lane.
Shit, man.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Why Hasn't This Tour Happened Yet?

I'd totally pay big bucks to see Gerard Depardieu on keyboards.
Depardieu. Depardoo-doo.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Oh, Whoops.

Somehow I managed to dye half of my head purple. Great, now I have about 20 minutes to fix this before I go to my Mother's. I'll get there and she'll say "Haha, Eggplant Head!" and then my uncle will say "Hey, Fruit Loop." Then my Grandfather's going to mumble "Who are you? Wanna sit on my lap?"

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Jammin' Joe The Hobo Goes To Hempstead Turnpike.

"Yo, check this shit out: I was just eating the left over cheese on a Taco Bell wrapper that I found on the curb when I see this mother fucker Al tryin' to steal all my cans from my shopping cart. I yelled 'Yo, you grimey ass mother fucker, I'll kill yo' ass if you touch my Goddamn Coca Cola' and the mother fucker runs off, all limpy and shit. So I picked up some rocks and threw them at his ass. Sneaky mother fucker. When he's sleepin' in the back of the Laundromat, I'm gonna go beat his ass and steal all those Mountain Dew cans I see poppin' out of his pants pockets. Then I'm gonna bring those shits to Coin Star and buy myself a woman. Shit. Anyway, the other night, I saw this skinny ass blonde girl walkin' around and I said 'Yo, Paris Hilton, you got a dollar? Your man needs a can of Hurricane.' Bitch says no. Yeah mother fucking right you ain't go no dollar. I saw your ass 5 minutes later buying a pack of cigarettes and some hummus or whatever you white people eat. Your ass ain't got no dollar for me? Why you gotta do your man Jammin' Joe like that? Cracka'."

A-ha's Greatest Hits?

I was on and I stumbled upon Headlines and Deadlines: The Hits of A-Ha. Imagining what was on this disc, I came up with my own song list:
Take On Me (The Radio Edit)
Take On Me (The Remix)
Take On Me (The Spanish Version)
Take On Me (Live in Germany)
Take On Me (Extended)
Take On Me (Dance Club Remix W/ Soft Cell)
Take On Me (Instrumental)
Take On Me ('92 Rap Remix W/ Guest Artist Onyx)
Take On Me (Unplugged)
Take On Me (Bonus Demo)
Take On Me (Christmas Version)
Take On Me (Alternate Lyrics)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

When Big Boobies Attack.

Here they come. They're bigger and mushier and now on Ebay.

Ew, for Christ's Sake buy a mannequin.

Kathy Skips Town

Ah, click on the pitcha!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

More Things Guys Shouldn't Do While Attempting To Woo A Girl.

-Don't try to assemble a blow torch in order to multilate a bug by using an aerosol can and a bic lighter. My head is highly flammable and I really could live without lighting on fire for the time being.

-Don't mush your penis somewhere within your thigh region and make believe you have a vagina. Why does every guy HAVE to do this and show you? Ever notice that they get all joyful and happily prance around too? It's never a matter of fact thing. It's a celebration.

Anyway. I lost interest in this topic and migrated to YouTube.
Oh no! There goes Tokyo. Go go Godzilla.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Adventures of Sal: 33 1/3

"Last weekend, my wife's sister's daughter or whatever the fuck she is comes over and she's got on black nail polish and a long black lace dress that looks like a friggin' curtain and I turn around and I says 'Ey, what are you wearin'? A friggin' curtain?' Then she turns around and gives me some stupid look. No color on her face. I think the kid's constipated. Anyway, I heard she's havin' some sort of problem because she can't find a boyfriend. Probably because she's a lesbo but whateva'. So I told her about the kid down at the deli, Vinny. He's her age and he's a good kid. He dresses nice, wears a wife beater and some pants. And he's got tattoos like her. He's got this one tattoo of a big Jesus head on his arm. Good kid. So I take her over to the deli and introduce them and she turns around and you know what she says to me? She says 'I don't like Italian guys.' Then I says 'Whoa, now you're just bustin' balls. That kid Vinny looks like Elvis. I mean, he's not as good lookin' but whateva'.' You know what she tells me? She tells me 'Elvis was ugly.' Whoa, the kid's cruisin' for a bruisin' now. I turn around and I says 'Ey, what's the matter with you? Don't be fresh, k!' I was this close to hittin' her over the head with a 4x4 and shovin' her into the back of my car but I just got the seats reupholstered and I don't want brains all over it or nothin'. Talkin' about Elvis like that. The balls on this kid. Then she turns around and she shows me a picture in her wallet of some woman and she goes 'I like guys like Robert Smith.' Madonn'. 'Oh who is that? Freakin' Liza Minnelli?' I says. Didn't I tell you this kid was a lesbo? Meekya."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sal II: With A Vengeance.

"The other day my wife decides to have a yard sale and sell some knick knacks and shit like that so she can buy more of those fuzzy velour jumpsuits things that women wear. So we get out the lawn chairs and I'm sitting there and this one guy walks on my grass and steps on my friggin' eggplant garden so I turn around and I says 'Ey, watch it there, Bub.' He tramples my plants like a dopey elephant fuck and doesn't buy nothin'. Bootagots. I swear, I was gonna bash the his face in with my shoe. Get the fuck out of here with that Jew bastard face of yours. Yea anyway, so then I'm sittin' there like a schmuck for another hour and a half and this guy comes up and takes up two spots. So I says 'Move your car! Two spots you got now.' You believe this? Big ass you got. Take a hike. I guess he heard me because he didn't buy nothin'. Oh well. Pissah."

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Please stop pissing on the seats of public toilets. I'm tired of either cleaning up after you or having to remain suspended in mid air trying to relieve myself. If it's your pee, please be so kind as to remove it from existance. I mean, do you not feel slightly embarrassed when exiting the stall and meeting the next occupant who will have to encounter the urine tainted disaster that you've created? I'm done with your drip drips. Not sexy.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Adventures of Sal.

"So I get in my car and I'm like 'Ey, I want an everything bagel, let's go.' So I'm driving up East Tremont and I see this chooch next to me in this beat up little car and he turns around and he looks at me all cockeyed. So I turn around and I says, I says 'Ey, you. What are you lookin' at with that puss on your face?' And he turns around and he says 'I'm not lookin' at nothin'.' So then I says 'Hey, what's your problem over there?' Then he doesn't say nothin', OK! So, now I'm fucking like Madonn', this guy serious? I'm gonna knock his fat bastard head in. So I get outta my Royal Blue Eldorado and I make sure I don't slam the door or nothin' cause that's my baby, and I get my fist and I says 'Hey guy, I'm gonna knock your fat mamaluke head in with my fist, OK!' And then he turns around and he says 'I'm gonna call the cops.' And I says 'Yeah, you do that, you frig' you. Then I'll knock you out and then I'll go to your house and I'll grab your mother by the head and I'll knock her out too, OK!' What balls, right? So he gives me the finger and drives off to go fuck his mother or something."

*Characters and events are purely fictional.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Smush It Real Good.

OK, let's review her resume: Cheesy nude shots, that awful Ted Nugent show and being the "Most Popular Person On MySpace." These are things that anyone could achieve, if you had a huge lack of self dignity and plastic tits.
I guess some people will just take any job so long as it gains them fame. I don't know about you but if MTV asked me to participate in a bisexual dating show (not like they would since no one knows I exist), I'd turn it down in a second. Who wants to be watched by millions while you demonstrate how one can obtain every version of hepatitis? Is this what you want your legacy to be? Do you really want to be remembered as the girl who made out with 20 guys sporting a bad take on Duran Duran hair? It's gross and she's probably permanently itchy down there. And wasn't bisexuality all the rage in 1996? Why is this making a comeback now? So lame. God, it's oh-so lame!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I Wrote A Song

This is in the style of the B52's.

I got a cool haircut
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn
I got a cool haircut
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn

I'm gonna take the L Train
And then I'm gonna transfer
I'm going to the thrift store
I'm gonna buy some corduroys


I live in a great big loft
Where I make
some great big art
I live with 5 other people
We share only one bathroom
We've all good cool haircuts
That's why we moved to Brooklyn


I got myself a girlfriend
She wears a brown leather jacket
She's got a cool haircut
That's why she moved to Brooklyn

We came from South Carolina
We came from Omaha
We like to reuse fashion
We like slip on shoes
We like Coffee Shops
We like Indie Rock


Just When You Thought Wham! Was Cheesy Enough...

There's at least 3 segments of cheese. And a jumpkick.

I Don't Need Your Kudos

Since I've moved to Long Island, I've noticed an evergrowing trend here: Girls in public wearing pajamas. I don't know if this is a nationwide thing or just a popular statement in this area, but it's way too abundant. I'll go to Stop N' Shop and they'll be 20 of them coming down the fruit aisle like pajama clad zombies. Some have a dischelved bun thing going on on their head equipt with a scrunchy. Others have elaborate prints on their pants such as horizontal peace signs or cupcakes. I came to the conclusion that they're trying to say "Look how cute I am when I roll out of bed!" What it means to me, quite frankly, is that you didn't change your underwear. And that's not very cute. Slimeballs.

Why Is This Thing Famous?

Ok, I know that she's Lionel Ritchie's daughter and all, but who cares? When's the last time anyone's purposely put on "Dancing On The Ceiling" anyway? I'd understand if perhaps she was maybe John Lennon's kid but even they aren't on the cover of US Weekly. Ever. They only go out if there's a Radiohead concert or some sort of artsy-fartsy get together going on. Well, the younger one anyway.