Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Adventures of Sal.

"So I get in my car and I'm like 'Ey, I want an everything bagel, let's go.' So I'm driving up East Tremont and I see this chooch next to me in this beat up little car and he turns around and he looks at me all cockeyed. So I turn around and I says, I says 'Ey, you. What are you lookin' at with that puss on your face?' And he turns around and he says 'I'm not lookin' at nothin'.' So then I says 'Hey, what's your problem over there?' Then he doesn't say nothin', OK! So, now I'm fucking like Madonn', this guy serious? I'm gonna knock his fat bastard head in. So I get outta my Royal Blue Eldorado and I make sure I don't slam the door or nothin' cause that's my baby, and I get my fist and I says 'Hey guy, I'm gonna knock your fat mamaluke head in with my fist, OK!' And then he turns around and he says 'I'm gonna call the cops.' And I says 'Yeah, you do that, you frig' you. Then I'll knock you out and then I'll go to your house and I'll grab your mother by the head and I'll knock her out too, OK!' What balls, right? So he gives me the finger and drives off to go fuck his mother or something."

*Characters and events are purely fictional.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Smush It Real Good.




















OK, let's review her resume: Cheesy nude shots, that awful Ted Nugent show and being the "Most Popular Person On MySpace." These are things that anyone could achieve, if you had a huge lack of self dignity and plastic tits.
I guess some people will just take any job so long as it gains them fame. I don't know about you but if MTV asked me to participate in a bisexual dating show (not like they would since no one knows I exist), I'd turn it down in a second. Who wants to be watched by millions while you demonstrate how one can obtain every version of hepatitis? Is this what you want your legacy to be? Do you really want to be remembered as the girl who made out with 20 guys sporting a bad take on Duran Duran hair? It's gross and she's probably permanently itchy down there. And wasn't bisexuality all the rage in 1996? Why is this making a comeback now? So lame. God, it's oh-so lame!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I Wrote A Song

This is in the style of the B52's.

-Chorus-
I got a cool haircut
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn
I got a cool haircut
So I'm gonna move to Brooklyn

I'm gonna take the L Train
And then I'm gonna transfer
I'm going to the thrift store
I'm gonna buy some corduroys

-Chorus-

I live in a great big loft
Where I make
some great big art
I live with 5 other people
We share only one bathroom
We've all good cool haircuts
That's why we moved to Brooklyn

-Chorus-

I got myself a girlfriend
She wears a brown leather jacket
She's got a cool haircut
That's why she moved to Brooklyn

We came from South Carolina
We came from Omaha
We like to reuse fashion
We like slip on shoes
We like Coffee Shops
We like Indie Rock

-Chorus-

Just When You Thought Wham! Was Cheesy Enough...

There's at least 3 segments of cheese. And a jumpkick.

I Don't Need Your Kudos

Since I've moved to Long Island, I've noticed an evergrowing trend here: Girls in public wearing pajamas. I don't know if this is a nationwide thing or just a popular statement in this area, but it's way too abundant. I'll go to Stop N' Shop and they'll be 20 of them coming down the fruit aisle like pajama clad zombies. Some have a dischelved bun thing going on on their head equipt with a scrunchy. Others have elaborate prints on their pants such as horizontal peace signs or cupcakes. I came to the conclusion that they're trying to say "Look how cute I am when I roll out of bed!" What it means to me, quite frankly, is that you didn't change your underwear. And that's not very cute. Slimeballs.

Why Is This Thing Famous?

















Ok, I know that she's Lionel Ritchie's daughter and all, but who cares? When's the last time anyone's purposely put on "Dancing On The Ceiling" anyway? I'd understand if perhaps she was maybe John Lennon's kid but even they aren't on the cover of US Weekly. Ever. They only go out if there's a Radiohead concert or some sort of artsy-fartsy get together going on. Well, the younger one anyway.