Friday, June 20, 2008

The Adventures of Sal: 33 1/3

"Last weekend, my wife's sister's daughter or whatever the fuck she is comes over and she's got on black nail polish and a long black lace dress that looks like a friggin' curtain and I turn around and I says 'Ey, what are you wearin'? A friggin' curtain?' Then she turns around and gives me some stupid look. No color on her face. I think the kid's constipated. Anyway, I heard she's havin' some sort of problem because she can't find a boyfriend. Probably because she's a lesbo but whateva'. So I told her about the kid down at the deli, Vinny. He's her age and he's a good kid. He dresses nice, wears a wife beater and some pants. And he's got tattoos like her. He's got this one tattoo of a big Jesus head on his arm. Good kid. So I take her over to the deli and introduce them and she turns around and you know what she says to me? She says 'I don't like Italian guys.' Then I says 'Whoa, now you're just bustin' balls. That kid Vinny looks like Elvis. I mean, he's not as good lookin' but whateva'.' You know what she tells me? She tells me 'Elvis was ugly.' Whoa, the kid's cruisin' for a bruisin' now. I turn around and I says 'Ey, what's the matter with you? Don't be fresh, k!' I was this close to hittin' her over the head with a 4x4 and shovin' her into the back of my car but I just got the seats reupholstered and I don't want brains all over it or nothin'. Talkin' about Elvis like that. The balls on this kid. Then she turns around and she shows me a picture in her wallet of some woman and she goes 'I like guys like Robert Smith.' Madonn'. 'Oh who is that? Freakin' Liza Minnelli?' I says. Didn't I tell you this kid was a lesbo? Meekya."