"Up for, ah, auction is a purple fringey jacket that I had sex in."
"Whateva. Then I got these jeans with the bows that I wore in 1991. I can't get them off because my socks get stuck so I don't want them no more, k."
"Then I got this beautiful blazer from a yard sale. I'm going through my changes and I get, um, hot flashes, so I don't want it. It's a size, ah frig, I don't even know. Whateva."
"What else? Balls. Oh, I got this cassette that I don't need no more because I got an IPod from my fiance. Yeah. He rides motorcycles."
"I also got big suede pocketbooks with ripped lining and sexy fireman calendars if you want those. Thanks for, um, viewin' my auction."
Originally Published 7-21-08 and my mother still hasn't sold a thing.