Monday, November 5, 2012

VH1 Presents Behind The Music: Jem & The Holograms.

In the midst of the 1980's, Jem and the Holograms were the darlings of pop rock music. A side project put together by Prince, they were initially dubbed The Wet Walls Of Wild & Purple Sexy Juice Nastys. Only to have to change it after learning that a Moroccan wedding band had already coined the name.

Here is Jem on the night that changed her life forever:
It was highly publicized when Jem made allegations claiming that after a night out at Miami club The Electric Spandex Barracuda Cheekz, she was gang banged inside of a bathroom stall by Gumby and his Japanese protege, Ayumbi. Charges were later dropped after the parties reached a undisclosed settlement outside of court.

In March of 1989 on a trip to his native country of El Salvador, Jem's long time boyfriend Rio died tragically in a seven hour knife fight over his Horchata. Since then she has taken a vow to bring peace to the world as a Global Ambassador. Even though she still wears painted shit on her face.

Jem realized her drug addiction was out of control when she came close to knocking on death's door. According to Jem's tell all book "Totally Outrageous: Well At Least I Heard It Was But I Was Too Fucked Up On Blow And Qualudes To Remember", she recalls being with Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx the night he shot up heroin and died in his leather pants and then came back to life and then died again but not really. Shortly after, Jem checked herself into a Utah rehab facility equipped with a swingset and small petting zoo and left Hollywood for good. She felt it was time to do some soul searching and subsequently joined a missionary. These days, she gives out cans of pork and beans and creamed corn at the church.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

11 pm- Friday Night At Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring these guys:

Yo bro, so I met this chick Gina, she's fuckin' bangin'. Boobs out to there and shit.
Yeah, where'd you meet her?
Fucking Mirage, bro. I was dancin', doin' my fist pump and I see her over in the corner looking all cute so I go up to her and I'm like 'Yo, ill beats, right? And shes like 'Yeah.' So I shoved my tongue down her throat.
Yo, that's cool. Hold up, I'm gonna go in and get a protein bar and a dutch.
Yeah yo. I want another Stacker 2.
Yo son, your hair's moving a little bit.
Word? Fix that shit.
Here, I got you. I got some Rave gel in the Civic.
No doubt. You my boy.
Yo, I got the Best of Ultra Dance Club House Party Hits Spring Break Cabo 2008.
Nah yo, chill. I got that shit. Put on KTU.
Yeah yo.
Turn up the bass, son.
Yo, let's go to club and get some bitches.
Hell yeah, bro.

Originally Published 6/14/08 and now guys like this have television shows and can afford rehab.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

11:30 PM Friday Night- Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring These Things:

Hey bitch, I love your hair. Who does your highlights?
My girl over at Giorgio's. She's the best. I love her.
Yeah, it looks hot.
Thanks bitch. Hey, you got good color.
Yeah, I've been goin' tannin' 16 times a week in the Ultra Solar Mega Sun 5000 tanning bed. I gotta get my nails done tomorrow though. They're starting to look mad skanky. I wanna get some french tips with an airbrushed design of like tropical shit like a flamingo or a big ass palm tree, you know?
Flamingos are the shit. I want one.
Yeah. Oh, how's Mario?
We broke up.
Oh my God. Why?
He threw me out of a window the other day.
Seriously? Like a window?
Yeah, I'm okay though. I met some guy the other day when I was working at the salon. He wanted his back waxed and, oh my God, let me tell you, so hot. He came in with diamond Chanel earrings, Diesel jeans and an Armani shirt. I swear, I was like gonna die on the floor right there.
Yeah, I'm like in love and shit.
Hey, is that the new Juicy bag?
Yeah. I needed it.
So cute. Hey, why you hangin' out with that brunette slut?
I met her at my job. She's mad hairy and shit like that so she comes in a lot for arm waxes. She's okay.
She's a Jersey skank. I heard she gets abortions like once a month or something. That's why her boobs are like stretchy and down to her stomach. And her hair extensions are the worst. So nasty.
I just realized that she was using my lip gloss before.
Ew, did she use her finger?
No, oh my God, I have to throw that out! She probably has herpes. She gets down everynight with like every guy ever.
Ew. Hoebag.
Whatever. Ok I gotta go, there's no cute guys here. Love you, bitch.

Published 6/16/2008 and these girls are now mothers. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm Definately Going To Get Beat Up By A Strange Man In a John Deere Cap For This

Hi y'all! I was out in the back with my Pa before and he goes "Hey MaryLouBethAnn, you see that there armadillo near that big ol' boulder over there?" And then I saw it. It was big. So Pa went into the shed and took out the big stick that we use when we go wrangle some gators and he got that armadillo good. Now his big ol' head is up in the den. I hang my hat up on it sometimes.

Wanna see my son, Jimbo? He's a cutey.

Once he shoved a blue crayon in his ear and we never got it out. Doctors said he's fine, he just can't hear all too well. So when we need him to go pick up some twigs, we just throw the remote at his head. Then he knows he's got some chores to do.

So then I got me this best friend Daisy Joe.

She's got some big ol' titties on her. She's stuck on the floor for life like that because her back done went out. I told her I'd help her up and everything but it's really hard.

Alright y'all, I'ma go fix me some cornbread. Long live Jesus. God bless. Jesus came and died or whatever. John 3:16

Originally written 8/19/08. God I'm old.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

If My Mother Sold Stuff On Ebay...

"Up for, ah, auction is a purple fringey jacket that I had sex in."

"Whateva. Then I got these jeans with the bows that I wore in 1991. I can't get them off because my socks get stuck so I don't want them no more, k."

"Then I got this beautiful blazer from a yard sale. I'm going through my changes and I get, um, hot flashes, so I don't want it. It's a size, ah frig, I don't even know. Whateva."

"What else? Balls. Oh, I got this cassette that I don't need no more because I got an IPod from my fiance. Yeah. He rides motorcycles."

"I also got big suede pocketbooks with ripped lining and sexy fireman calendars if you want those. Thanks for, um, viewin' my auction."

Originally Published 7-21-08 and my mother still hasn't sold a thing.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Model Mayhem Photographer

I wrote this when I was really, really tired. That's all. Hope you like:



Dear JessicaTheFox69, I really dig your look. You remind me of a cross between a young Raquel Welch and an old, drunk Andy Dick. A little about me: I’ve been photographing for nine weeks and when I’m not photographing I play Pet Society. I hope you can take a minute to try to see what my eyes see inside my head. The eyes deep inside my face's head. I hope you will help bring my vision to reality. Tell me if this intrigues you: I see you in my mind on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean near Jones Beach and you are holding a Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA LP. You are still. Then, I see you underwater in an inground pool, swimming near a stranger’s hairy leg. You are expressionless and your hair is in a bun.  Can you see my vision? I also see you on a roof top overlooking a city under nuclear attack. You are fearless and wear beige chiffon. Then in another image, I imagine you on the Long Island Railroad, Eastbound Ronkonkoma line. You put all your luggage in a Loehmann’s bag. It says to the viewer “I am a minimalist”. Do you now envision my vision? I see you standing on a cliff in a desert wearing mittens and holding four crayons. You are screaming “I don’t care!” from your mind and only people that know will know what you are probably screaming. I hope you can see all these things and not have a limited view of what true art is. 

Candice Engel Moves To LA

Can You Say Absurd?

This is the what happens when I bake cookies.
Doesn't it look like 26 Mr. Bills on a raft coming from Cuba or something?

Originally Published 6/9/08. No idea what occasion that was that prompted me to bake.

Guy Brain VS Girl Brain

Why isn't he calling me? I think it was my zit. Maybe it was my headband. I knew I shouldn't have worn it. God, I'm so dumb. Did I say something stupid? I don't think so. I mean, I barely spoke. Oh no, I think I over giggled. Maybe that's why. Great, now he thinks I'm an airhead. Okay, I'll wait two days and if doesn't call me then I'll text him something like a smiley face or the word 'Hi'. No, I don't know. Urgh, I thought he was it. Our kids would've been so cute. It's not fair. The psychic told me that we belong together. God, does he not see this? I'm so the one. Maybe he met someone already. I'm gonna kill her. She's not the one. I am. I have to get my mind off of this. I know, I'll go to Forever 21 and buy a new top.

Hot Dogs are good.

Okay so I don't know if I should get an extra small or a small. All these shirts suck. I'm so depressed. I hate going to the mall alone. See, if he called me, he could've came here with me and gave me an opinion. I don't want anything. Forget it.

Hot dog or Whopper Jr? I'll get both.

Urgh, God. My hair is getting greasy. It's that new shampoo. What a waste of $4.29. Maybe I could bring it back. Oh shit, I spit my gum out on the receipt. Why does everything have to be so hard in life?

Uh oh. I shouldn't have ate both.

He still didn't call me. God, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's my flat ass. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm calling my mother.

I gotta take a dump. Oh, awesome, gas station bathroom.

I'm getting a makeover. That's it. Then when he sees me, he'll be like 'Whoa'. I'm not calling him. Forget that. Wait, should I be the aggressive one? Maybe he's shy and doesn't think I like him. No, nevermind. I'm not chasing him. I need romance in my life. I'm too good for this crap. Am I getting my period or something? When was the last time I got it? Oh shit, I think I am. That's why I keep eating all of those sour worms. I feel so bloated. Yuck. I'm going home.

Boobs are squishy.

DOB 6/18/08 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Hangover 3.

The cast of the Hangover Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, and Bradley Cooper are seated at a conference table with the head of Warner Brothers.

Head of Warner Brothers Guy:
Hello boys. I know you’re wondering why we called you in today. We have some exciting news to share. Would you all care for a drink?
The cast look at one another and shrug.
Sure. But just one drink.
Fast forward to the next day. They are now in a hotel bathroom. We see a blow up doll wearing a wig, a chicken running freely, smoke coming out a couch and a naked woman leaving the room. Each of the men slowly wake up from their drunken stupor.
Where are we?
I think it’s happened again.
Oh Zach, your eyebrows are gone. And your hair has chunky, blonde highlights. And you have a candy necklace. And you’re wearing a leotard. And a sailor hat. And your arm is missing. And so is your foot. And you have jaundice. And you’re wearing knee guards. And a blouse.
Oh? You look the same. You never have any physical damage. It’s not fair. And your aviator sunglasses are always intact.
Wait, we always seem to be missing a friend. That’s our main plot, right? Where’s that one guy who never got to be on a major magazine cover like we did?

(The two scramble and check the bathroom where Ed Helms is lying on the floor. He is now awakened and turns to face the other two.)

Ed! Oh shit, what did you do?
What? Is it worse than a missing tooth and tribal tattoo on the entire left side of my face?

(Ed looks into the mirror and gasps when he sees his reflection. He has underwent cosmetic surgery and now has silicone lip enhancement, an eyebrow lift and a chin implant.)
(Screaming) Ah! What the hell happened last night?!

I think we signed on for a another sequel.
Oh no! Don’t I have enough money so I don’t have to do this again? Can’t I get a role in some other film?
Where is the animal that we somehow obtain that doesn’t belong to us that Zach gets emotionally attached to and we nearly lose our lives over every time?
(A lamb stumbles across the hotel floor.)

Oh, here it is. Ok it’s a lamb this time. Who does this lamb belong
(Zach notices something moving on the couch in the corner.)

Oh my God, why is Chevy Chase on our couch?
Chevy Chase:
That’s my lamb.
Holy shit it IS Chevy Chase! What are you doing here?
Chevy Chase:
Don’t you know Warner Brothers ruins everyone’s career by making sequels and sequels to more sequels. Look at the National Lampoon Vacation movies. You’ll see. You’re going down from here.
Ah! Chevy Chase is right. What are we doing?!

The End.

Monday, February 13, 2012

90% of Missed Connections Are Written With Such Great Punctuoootions:

Incomtax office - m4w - 41

Date: 2012-02-13, 8:11AM PST Reply to: Reply To This Post

i saw you there,you went directly to deep you are sweet like sweets,may you read it pl responce for chat.

Hey guy its not about you right now. Whitey Hutton just died. Your love can prevail next week.