Saturday, April 28, 2012

If My Mother Sold Stuff On Ebay...

"Up for, ah, auction is a purple fringey jacket that I had sex in."






















"Whateva. Then I got these jeans with the bows that I wore in 1991. I can't get them off because my socks get stuck so I don't want them no more, k."
























"Then I got this beautiful blazer from a yard sale. I'm going through my changes and I get, um, hot flashes, so I don't want it. It's a size, ah frig, I don't even know. Whateva."
























"What else? Balls. Oh, I got this cassette that I don't need no more because I got an IPod from my fiance. Yeah. He rides motorcycles."























"I also got big suede pocketbooks with ripped lining and sexy fireman calendars if you want those. Thanks for, um, viewin' my auction."


Originally Published 7-21-08 and my mother still hasn't sold a thing.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Model Mayhem Photographer

I wrote this when I was really, really tired. That's all. Hope you like:

(MODEL MAYHEM PHOTOGRAPHER IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER PERUSING THROUGH MODELING PORTFOLIOS ON THE WEB. HE SPOTS ONE AND BEGINS TO COMPOSE AN EMAIL)

V.O.:

Dear JessicaTheFox69, I really dig your look. You remind me of a cross between a young Raquel Welch and an old, drunk Andy Dick. A little about me: I’ve been photographing for nine weeks and when I’m not photographing I play Pet Society. I hope you can take a minute to try to see what my eyes see inside my head. The eyes deep inside my face's head. I hope you will help bring my vision to reality. Tell me if this intrigues you: I see you in my mind on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean near Jones Beach and you are holding a Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA LP. You are still. Then, I see you underwater in an inground pool, swimming near a stranger’s hairy leg. You are expressionless and your hair is in a bun.  Can you see my vision? I also see you on a roof top overlooking a city under nuclear attack. You are fearless and wear beige chiffon. Then in another image, I imagine you on the Long Island Railroad, Eastbound Ronkonkoma line. You put all your luggage in a Loehmann’s bag. It says to the viewer “I am a minimalist”. Do you now envision my vision? I see you standing on a cliff in a desert wearing mittens and holding four crayons. You are screaming “I don’t care!” from your mind and only people that know will know what you are probably screaming. I hope you can see all these things and not have a limited view of what true art is. 


Candice Engel Moves To LA

Can You Say Absurd?








































 
This is the what happens when I bake cookies.
Doesn't it look like 26 Mr. Bills on a raft coming from Cuba or something?




Originally Published 6/9/08. No idea what occasion that was that prompted me to bake.

Guy Brain VS Girl Brain

Girl:
Why isn't he calling me? I think it was my zit. Maybe it was my headband. I knew I shouldn't have worn it. God, I'm so dumb. Did I say something stupid? I don't think so. I mean, I barely spoke. Oh no, I think I over giggled. Maybe that's why. Great, now he thinks I'm an airhead. Okay, I'll wait two days and if doesn't call me then I'll text him something like a smiley face or the word 'Hi'. No, I don't know. Urgh, I thought he was it. Our kids would've been so cute. It's not fair. The psychic told me that we belong together. God, does he not see this? I'm so the one. Maybe he met someone already. I'm gonna kill her. She's not the one. I am. I have to get my mind off of this. I know, I'll go to Forever 21 and buy a new top.

Guy:
Hot Dogs are good.

Girl:
Okay so I don't know if I should get an extra small or a small. All these shirts suck. I'm so depressed. I hate going to the mall alone. See, if he called me, he could've came here with me and gave me an opinion. I don't want anything. Forget it.

Guy:
Hot dog or Whopper Jr? I'll get both.

Girl:
Urgh, God. My hair is getting greasy. It's that new shampoo. What a waste of $4.29. Maybe I could bring it back. Oh shit, I spit my gum out on the receipt. Why does everything have to be so hard in life?

Guy:
Uh oh. I shouldn't have ate both.

Girl:
He still didn't call me. God, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's my flat ass. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm calling my mother.

Guy:
I gotta take a dump. Oh, awesome, gas station bathroom.

Girl:
I'm getting a makeover. That's it. Then when he sees me, he'll be like 'Whoa'. I'm not calling him. Forget that. Wait, should I be the aggressive one? Maybe he's shy and doesn't think I like him. No, nevermind. I'm not chasing him. I need romance in my life. I'm too good for this crap. Am I getting my period or something? When was the last time I got it? Oh shit, I think I am. That's why I keep eating all of those sour worms. I feel so bloated. Yuck. I'm going home.

Guy:
Boobs are squishy.

DOB 6/18/08