Thursday, May 3, 2012

11 pm- Friday Night At Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring these guys:

Yo bro, so I met this chick Gina, she's fuckin' bangin'. Boobs out to there and shit.
Yeah, where'd you meet her?
Fucking Mirage, bro. I was dancin', doin' my fist pump and I see her over in the corner looking all cute so I go up to her and I'm like 'Yo, ill beats, right? And shes like 'Yeah.' So I shoved my tongue down her throat.
Yo, that's cool. Hold up, I'm gonna go in and get a protein bar and a dutch.
Yeah yo. I want another Stacker 2.
Yo son, your hair's moving a little bit.
Word? Fix that shit.
Here, I got you. I got some Rave gel in the Civic.
No doubt. You my boy.
Yo, I got the Best of Ultra Dance Club House Party Hits Spring Break Cabo 2008.
Nah yo, chill. I got that shit. Put on KTU.
Yeah yo.
Turn up the bass, son.
Yo, let's go to club and get some bitches.
Hell yeah, bro.

Originally Published 6/14/08 and now guys like this have television shows and can afford rehab.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

11:30 PM Friday Night- Any Given 711 in Nassau County

Starring These Things:

Hey bitch, I love your hair. Who does your highlights?
My girl over at Giorgio's. She's the best. I love her.
Yeah, it looks hot.
Thanks bitch. Hey, you got good color.
Yeah, I've been goin' tannin' 16 times a week in the Ultra Solar Mega Sun 5000 tanning bed. I gotta get my nails done tomorrow though. They're starting to look mad skanky. I wanna get some french tips with an airbrushed design of like tropical shit like a flamingo or a big ass palm tree, you know?
Flamingos are the shit. I want one.
Yeah. Oh, how's Mario?
We broke up.
Oh my God. Why?
He threw me out of a window the other day.
Seriously? Like a window?
Yeah, I'm okay though. I met some guy the other day when I was working at the salon. He wanted his back waxed and, oh my God, let me tell you, so hot. He came in with diamond Chanel earrings, Diesel jeans and an Armani shirt. I swear, I was like gonna die on the floor right there.
Yeah, I'm like in love and shit.
Hey, is that the new Juicy bag?
Yeah. I needed it.
So cute. Hey, why you hangin' out with that brunette slut?
I met her at my job. She's mad hairy and shit like that so she comes in a lot for arm waxes. She's okay.
She's a Jersey skank. I heard she gets abortions like once a month or something. That's why her boobs are like stretchy and down to her stomach. And her hair extensions are the worst. So nasty.
I just realized that she was using my lip gloss before.
Ew, did she use her finger?
No, oh my God, I have to throw that out! She probably has herpes. She gets down everynight with like every guy ever.
Ew. Hoebag.
Whatever. Ok I gotta go, there's no cute guys here. Love you, bitch.

Published 6/16/2008 and these girls are now mothers. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm Definately Going To Get Beat Up By A Strange Man In a John Deere Cap For This

Hi y'all! I was out in the back with my Pa before and he goes "Hey MaryLouBethAnn, you see that there armadillo near that big ol' boulder over there?" And then I saw it. It was big. So Pa went into the shed and took out the big stick that we use when we go wrangle some gators and he got that armadillo good. Now his big ol' head is up in the den. I hang my hat up on it sometimes.

Wanna see my son, Jimbo? He's a cutey.

Once he shoved a blue crayon in his ear and we never got it out. Doctors said he's fine, he just can't hear all too well. So when we need him to go pick up some twigs, we just throw the remote at his head. Then he knows he's got some chores to do.

So then I got me this best friend Daisy Joe.

She's got some big ol' titties on her. She's stuck on the floor for life like that because her back done went out. I told her I'd help her up and everything but it's really hard.

Alright y'all, I'ma go fix me some cornbread. Long live Jesus. God bless. Jesus came and died or whatever. John 3:16

Originally written 8/19/08. God I'm old.