Monday, December 21, 2015

(Psst, this is from last year.) Tis The Season...?



















I guess.

Being that I live in climate controlled Los Angeles, the only way I was made fully aware of this was upon purchasing a cup of Starbucks coffee, which was now red and featured a very happy, winking snowman in a top hat. I was perplexed at the time for I was also standing near a palm tree set amongst the backdrop of the bright, white sun while dripping a combination of sweat and SPF 45. The thought of Christmas fast approaching reactivated my once dormant anxiety. I imagined having to spend an inordinate amount of money as well as time asking people what they want, shopping for what they want, waiting in lines to buy what they want, wrapping what they want and then having to hang out with them to give them what they want. I then have a silent panic attack and go on to drink more coffee.

I decided to take some time out of my busy schedule of staring at my phone and styling my hair to compose a list of tips based on personal experiences and YouTube videos that I feel may increase the holiday joy for those of you this year. Ok great. Enjoy.

TIP #1: For all you shoppers to be this season, you should know that kids do not care about fashion unless this piece of fashion has their favorite cartoon character or super hero embedded on it somewhere really big so they can see it. If you get them a "cute outfit marked down from $75 that's so practical, oh-so warm and 100% Wool" you basically just bought the kids' mom a present and this is not fair. So please do not do this.

When I was a kid all I wanted were stuffed animals, real animals and action figures in the shape of animals. That's it, nothing else. If it was Christmas and I counted on you to contribute to my action figurine supply and you showed up with a big, rectangular box that with the word MACY*S on it, I was very mad and threw fits before each and every car ride to dinner at your house thereafter and also dried my hands on your show towels.

TIP #2: Please be parental and wake up earlier than your kids on Christmas day like you are supposed to, Mom.

As a child my mom would wake up later then all of us and make my brothers and I wait to unwrap gifts while she had her morning coffee and performed a full on make-up application. This gave me a lot of time to stare at my presents while attempting to decipher what the contents were. I would pick them up and feel around and if I felt anything weird like earrings I instantly got mad. Earrings were not Ninja Turtles so this Christmas was already a disappointment. I would also notice the label on the presents that read "From Santa" was in my mother's handwriting. Needless to say,  I knew there was no Santa since age 7 so thanks Mom for taking 45 minutes to put on mascara.
 
TIP #3: When reusing other people's things or past gifts, make sure you have removed the price tags and all other indications that these are not directly from an online store or the Glendale Galleria. These can be hidden quite well so make sure you do this in a well lit area. If you have the belief that hand me downs are great because you are like a human thrift store then do so carefully.

As I got older and my mother got broker I noticed that the majority of my gifts would come from yard sales or were recycled/rejected gifts from Christmases of yesteryear. On several occasions I received my interesting items of sorts in a misshapen Happy Birthday bag that still had a tag that read "To Kathy Love, Wanda". This could have been avoided if proper inspection was performed. Another red flag was when I was given a body mist/shower gel gift set with a peculiar name like "Secret Sensual Endless Peony Garden Daydream" which can not be purchased in any store known to mankind but only somehow from a yard sale.

These experiences early on in my life inspired me to reply to "What do you want for Christmas?" with simply "Money".

TIP #4: Tell everyone you want money and look them in the eye and repeat yourself and do not blink.

People hate giving money. Because you will then know that they are cheap. It is now way obvious. People are good at making believe they spent a lot of money by buying you things you have never heard of. They will go to the edge of the earth in the Promenade of Santa Monica to buy something so unnecessary that it is obviously rare because no one wants to reproduce something so unnecessary. Just to make you wonder how much it is. You can't even find the words to Google Shop it because it is undefinable. Then the gift giver feels educated and mystical because you are baffled. They will also feel sly because they spent $6.99 cash meanwhile you gave them a gift card to Pier 1 Imports for $150. These are not your friends. If they also are the types that send you mass texts then they are definitely not your friends. You should evacuate them from your social circle.

TIP #5: Do not attempt to buy the XBox One console while on sale. You will most likely die.

Black Friday arrives as our bodies are still in digestion mode. Some people camp out over night while in digestion mode. They do not have sufficient sleep. They are very irritable. Therefore, Black Friday can be dangerous. When people hear the words "Prices Have Been Slashed" a sociopathic switch goes off in their minds in which they then enter the realms of Battle Zone: Christmas Spectacular. Shoppers in festive turtlenecks and snuggly reversible scarves emerge from their Nissan Pathfinders and congregate into the arena of war that is the Walmart parking lot, ready and eager for full-on tactical combat. If you decide to venture into the madness to buy your friends a Keurig (make sure you buy the pods because if you don't you are an asshole) maybe wear a helmet. I've seen aftermath footage on Fox News of Black Friday and it is quite frightening. It is very similar to the scene in Natural Born Killers where Tommy Lee Jones' ravished, dead head is being pranced around on a stick. You are basically waiting to be released from behind a barricade along with 40,000 of the type of people who do strange things like wake up at 5 am on a Sunday "Just because" who will literally eat your arm while stepping on your head if you are within reach of the much coveted Nikon COOLPIX.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my list of tips for Holiday Season 2014. May you and everyone you know that you sort of maybe care about have a great holiday and get everything you desire that you will lose interest in after 15 minutes unless it's an iPhone. So definitely get an iPhone.