Monday, October 7, 2013

Let's Talk About Being Single.

Now that I'm single for the first time in 8 years, I forgot about all that's involved when it comes to dating. From the planning, to deciding on what shoes to wear, to the "Oh wait, you're not my ex, I should probably put on some pants that smell good" to the "Hey hi, you're not my ex, whoops, I totally just forgot about sexual boundaries" and then to the "Oh hey, you're not my ex, so I probably can't sit here and do that thing where I binge eat and stare at the wall while I ignore you, huh?" and various other dilemmas. Here are some things that perplex me and make me all the more content on sitting alone at the Coffee Bean like I have been for the last 4 and a half hours.


The Initial First Date Planning Issue: I often get asked the question "What do you like to do for fun?" And apparently what I like to do with my free time is of major concern and it is just so out there that I must be from someplace odd like outer space or Danbury, Connecticut. As I mentioned above, I like spending an inordinate amount of time in coffee shops. I like car rides where zoning out and listening to music is involved. I like conversations and hearing other peoples' stories. I don't like expensive food and especially don't like eating it. Watching people overspend on things that can be purchased and prepared for yourself or anything unnecessary makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I will have a night life. It mainly will consist of walking home from 711. Occasionally I will get really dressed up and go to a place that plays Morrissey, or something of that nature, and sit there. So with that being said, for the most part I am home and I am happy with what I do in my spare time. Despite the fact that others seem to find it peculiar. Let me quickly shine some light on this: Home is safe. There are no drunks with cars in my home. There aren't any guys with "No Fear" caps and Alcohol Flush Reaction on their face sitting on my couch. Sometimes there's all the elements available to build the foundation of a healthy sandwich and it doesn't cost $22 (Canters). And plus, there's so many outlets to choose from and they're all MINE.

Fun Dating "Activities"(?): People seem to be big on activities. I also am not big on activities. I often get asked to participate in dates based solely around physical exertion as if I was suddenly thrusted into an episode of Wild & Crazy Kids or MTV's Spring Break Challenge. I don't understand why I have to go rock climbing, horseback riding, go-karting or get involved in any sort of obstacle course in order to be on a date. It's very perplexing. I'm not sure if this is an LA thing but when I was a kid in the Bronx, we didn't have a lot of options as far as what we could do for fun time. We sat on stoops after school and if Mr. Softie drove by we'd lose our shit and buy out all the Sonic the Hedgehog Ice Cream Pops and also smoke bombs that Mr. Softie somehow and definitely illegally sold off the truck. We'd then eat Sonic the Hedgehog in his entirety, while cracking our teeth on his frozen gum balls for eyes before we lit the smoke bombs and quickly dislodged them into park garbage cans, then ran off into the night. I suppose we had a limited amount of horses to ride on and definitely no rocks to climb up and if we did, some kid would've probably threw them all at my brother.
To be fair, I definitely don't mind that others might have hobbies that involve the outdoors but I do not wish to join you on this venture upon meeting you. I don't know about you guys but I can not have a logical conversation by any means climbing up a mountain behind your back while being consumed with the fear of possibly losing my footing, which in turn could either leave me dead or at the very least impaled by the edge of a tree. Although this may seem like a good idea in your kooky little man brain, it's way far from that.

Although my first date in my recent single life was not a 45 minute power walk or a dance off, it wasn't what I would typically consider normal. It was a Direct-to-Social-Environment-Date. Meaning there was no sit down and get to know you or anything such as that involved except of course for the car ride there which was filled with delightful conversational topics such as "Watch the guy in front of you because you almost hit him." and "Where exactly are we going?" Real fun stuff. At the social gathering we spent most of the time not talking to one another and instead talking to other party guests above high volumed 90's dance pop classics. I'm still pretty sure he has no idea what happened and that I was even in his car at some point in his life.

Here's some quick pointers for those who aren't as well informed as others on how to treat and woo women.
-Please get the door. Don't ask questions. If it's a door and it's there, go and open it. Of course we know how to open doors, that's not the point. That's your man job. And this is obvious with the simple fact that most Hotel and high end apartment complexes have a Door MAN.
-Please watch a girl get in her house! Jesus shit, seriously. My old school New York dad would have a stroke and punch your mom in the face in the middle of his stroke if he knew you drove away without making sure I got in safely. Nothing shows how much of an absolute selfish and shitty specimen of shit you are at heart more than that. Women have this need to feel safe and secure. This is the simplest way to demonstrate that you can provide this without having a full on knife fight or slaying a wild boar. Dope.
-Listen to a girl even if she's talking about complete and utter nonsense. Because she probably is anyway. But make like you get it as much as you can and don't go and make everything about you. Exchange conversation. Weird that I even have to say this but you'd be surprised. A lot of dudes think they're mighty extraordinary to the point where it just overwhelms them and they burst. Actually, I'm only referring to one person, TED. No, there's no Ted, I made that up. But with a name like Ted, you probably suck at life anyway, so it's ok.
-Hey check this out: I'm not your ex-girlfriend. Surprise fact, I know, but I'm not so whatever lingering issues you have with her, try to find a logical means to resolve them whether it's via a few personal journal entries or years of cognitive therapy. Whatever floats your piece of shit resentful and bitter boat. THEN maybe start dating. K? Cool.
-Don't be a guy who whines. In my head I like to think that men can do things like lose 8 fingers in a car fire while singing "Eye of the Tiger" or something equally as triumphant/melodic as their face is being burnt off and still smell like sexy man musk.  So please don't complain when you can't fit your car into the parking spot nearest to the entrance of a Gelson's Supermarket.
-Don't say the first thing that comes to your mind when you're mad. You will most likely say something really shitty that you will be apologizing for about 15 minutes later. This accumulates over time and then you will have to eventually enroll in couples' counseling which is expensive so shut the fuck up and do what my Dad would do and punch the living room wall and then punish yourself by spending two hours drywall patching it.
-Don't be disrespectful to your mom or anyone's mom ever and take the time to get to know a girl's family. Being that I'm half Italian I am very big on family and if you're some dude who has slowly graduated into relationship land with me yet you haven't made an effort to get to know my family then you go bye bye. I'm sure every other girl on earth has an inner Italian so just play make believe that she is and definitely don't call your mom names, jerk off.

That's all I have to say about that. I like being alone. It's nice. But if one day I find a man with 0 fingers that can somehow open a door for me with his rugged man nubs whom I can trust like a motherfucker and makes me laugh who also likes to sit in the house as much as I do, then maybe I'll consider it.