Saturday, October 12, 2013

How To Passive Aggressively Get Your Male Roommate To Move Out.

As I've stated in previous posts, my former husband and I broke up earlier this year. Surprisingly, we remain good friends and do favors for one another whenever we can. He moved out and in his caring Canadian way, told me that I could stay in this apartment without changing the lease. My options were that I could live here alone or rent out the bedroom or even the living room to someone else. Since I am accustomed to being uncomfortable, I took the living room and rented out the bedroom. I was never in there much to begin with and spent most of my time near the front door so that I could easily evacuate the apartment if my ex-husband were to start doing that thing where he'd talk about house music, Detroit house music, techno house music, techno techno music and how we don't have sex. As a person who doesn't know other people, I took my search for a roommate to Craigslist. A great website where you can meet some real all-stars in your area. My first potential co-occupant was a 24 year old ex-party girl who seemed to be going through a phase of enlightenment. So much so that her imagination was clear and vivid and it involved installing shelves in my home, refinishing the wood in an English oak hue, painting the bathroom and retiling the countertops. She was the type of person that expressed such an amount of overzealous joy without shutting the fuck up that your personality excuses itself because it just can't handle all that is exploding right in front of you and you're left standing there with only the mere ability to nod every once in a while. Regardless to say, I later sent her a text that simply read "Nope." I was already going through a huge change called No More Husband and didn't want to deal with energized, dominant female looking to play arts & crafts with my apartment like it was some sort of fun project to eventually sell on Etsy. I then continued my search and interviewed other prospective roommates. Some of which included a man with a tinge of I Can't Help But Rape In My Sleep look to his eyes, a girl who seemed as if she just took ADHD medication that she found in someone else's purse and a few typical Craigslist flakes. All hope was lost until this wonderful thing happened: A young guy in his 20's came over and said these words "Ok this place is nice. I don't have anything but a sleeping bag and some shaving cream and I keep to myself." I said "Cool, you're in!" He had a girlfriend that he couldn't stop talking about so I knew he wouldn't invade my bed in the middle of the night as I slept alone and vulnerable in zit cream. A completely harmless person whom I had a good feeling about. He still stays in his room for the most part and I think collectively I may have seen him 12 times during these last few months. So with that being said, I do feel as if I live alone in a studio apartment. But the fact is no matter how much I can make myself believe otherwise, I still have a roommate. And we all have moments where we just want to be alone. So I thought to myself: What could be the most passive aggressive tactics one can use to get their male roommates to leave their living quarters? This is what I came up with while I sat around on yet another eventful Friday night in face mask:

-Create the most high-pitched, obnoxious ringtone you can and make it your default tone. For this I would opt to use a sample of a 1960's Sci-Fi movie laser beam. Then go ahead and text everyone in your phone a very easy question. Something along the lines of "Do you eat food sometimes?" will do. Wait 30 seconds and leave your phone as close as you can to his bedroom door. Then put your headphones on, watch some YouTube and unwind.


-Paint the living room magenta. Do this and don't stop until you live in a giant megadome of pink. If you can splurge, go all out and get yourself some glitter. Nothing says "There's no one with a penis on these premises" quite like your new home which now resembles that of an iPhone case from a mall kiosk in South Jersey.

-Rescue Animals. But only Macaws from Ecuador. Adorn them in cute, little hats. Get Bamboo stalks from the Home Depot and strategically hang them across the kitchen cabinet where your male roommate keeps his large tub of chocolate whey powder. This will give your home a real tropical Rainforest feel without all that damp air and solar radiation from being neighbors with the equator.   Call your home "Sanctuary" and "Haven" whenever you have the opportunity. You will be a bird hero.

-Listen to the same song all day and start singing to it off-key. Make sure this song's artist has performed in at least 3 out of the 4 Lilith Fair tours. For this I choose Bonnie Raitt and her sensational hit "I Can't Make You Love Me", a song about a woman experiencing unrequited love from a man she is sleeping with. GUYS LOVE THIS. This song has a lot of up and down tempos going on, perfect for really getting into that off-key flow. If you need a change of pace, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" will work too but only "Set Fire to the Rain" because no one is sick of it yet and definitely try to sing like you have the vocal range of Adele.

-Break into prayer on the floor in mid-conversation. Or say Grace before you eat anything. If you desire a cookie and your roommate is present, say Grace prior to eating your delicious snack. Religion is a very comfortable thing. And everyone loves cookies.

-Set up a Meetup.com account and have gatherings at your place called "Let's Make Smoothies Until 3am Game Night." For this you are to acquire a $10 blender from Giant Dollar in Koreatown that is $10 because the motor is damaged and it emits the strong smell of burning electrical wires. You are to have your juice contain very solid foods like ginger and whole, entire apples and also ice and set blender's mode to puree for the first 3 minutes. It'll be a fun time.

-Take up a lot of time in the bathroom. If you run out of things to do in the bathroom, start crying in the bathroom. Perhaps go the extra mile and put on that Bonnie Raitt song. Sing along to it and cry all at once. Guys look forward to coming home to emotional women. Ask your dad.

-Start your own AA meeting in your home. Make it a Big Book study and read aloud a lot. Some people have a problem hearing so also get a microphone so that everyone can be involved.

-Incorporate NYC into your home. People love the feel of New York. Which is why every Sunday you should play a lot of La Mega 97.9 FM very early in the morning. Also, get a jack hammer and fix "potholes" that weren't ever there in front of the house. Maybe above all the noise, have a conversation with your neighbor two blocks away from one another about how they raised the price of 2% milk at the Stop N' Shop. Be infuriated. Then walk somewhere and come back and complain about at least 4 things that happened on your walk. They should probably be about "the drivers out here." That'll really deliver an authentic essence of the 5 Boroughs.

That should do the trick. Although these are some neat tips, I'm not sure if I'll ever reach the breaking point where I need to use them. Things change and the situation could've been worse. Like the way things were 10 years ago which I won't discuss because that's buzzkill as fuck. My lease runs up in March and I'll embark upon a whole new living situation that I will ultimately find a good reason or two to despise. As long as I don't end up doing that thing where I move into my brother's guest room in Levittown and start dating that one ex from 2004 again who too, lives in his brother's guest room and take a job as the office manager at the Jiffy Lube. Which is possibly the worst case scenario asides from living in the smoking section outside of Target on Santa Monica Blvd with the crazy headed people or inside of a bus. I am a person with much hope.