Thursday, October 31, 2013

Slut Cops: The Movie


Being Halloween and all, I have a slight feeling that later on today when I venture off to the West Hollywood Parade I will surely end up annoyed by the many walks of life that will be present. Some of which will include a girl with those humungous 8 foot wide feathered angel wings that take up an entire car lane, the idiot with the pointy and very unnecessary bullshit thing on his shoulder that is capable of stabbing me through the face, the drunken guy disguised as drunken foam hotdog guy, Cheech but with no Chong because he smoked the costume and of course, 8,000 Slut Cops. So many of them walking aimlessly back and forth like some sort of Slut Cop zombie nation along Santa Monica Boulevard eventually being splattered upon it's sidewalks in the throes of hysteric episodes because their boyfriend, Super Mario with felt mustache, made out with Slut Pumpkin. But being that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, let's make believe that Slut Cops serve a purpose to the community asides from looking sexy on a budget and with limited creativity. That way when you inevitably bump into one today, you can look at them in less of a demeaning light. Regardless of whether you are a female who would typically take pleasure in viciously smearing the contents of a bottle of Nair onto their head or a male who just wants to bone them. So, here's Slut Cops: The Movie.




    Slut Cops is a romantic comedy about two former models (Banks, Fisher) who at 37 years old, have surpassed their peak yet have the difficulty of coming to terms with their diminishing career and accepting a life with an average, run of the mill 9-5 job. When their rent controlled apartment goes up in flames after Banks leaves her flat iron on her cat, they are forced to seek a new means of accumulating income other than receiving residual checks and selling their old boots on eBay. They answer an ad on Craigslist from the private investigation company "Sexy Surveillance", operated by surly ex-cop (Eric Stoltz), which seeks attractive women to become undercover agents aimed at catching cheating spouses. Together the girls lurk in seedy taverns and local dive bars enticing husbands in question in order to collect as much photographic documentation to prove acts of infidelity. Obliging to all sorts of zany proposals, Banks and Fisher have the time of their lives regaining the sex appeal they had long lost in 2002. That is until they bust top notch, sort of fat guy with a super shiny ponytail, mob boss (Val Kilmer.) His wife (Mercedes Ruehl) threatens to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, in which case she gets half of his assets as well as child support permitting her to live the rest of her life watching the Oxygen Network on an otherwise zero income of her own. Also stars Owen Wilson for no reason and Matthew McConaughey just to make it somewhat romantic. Directed by that one guy who directed that movie with the girl with the face and written by Who Gives a Shit Man who takes up two parking spots at the Universal Studios stages lot with his 2014 Volkswagen Who Gives a Shit About That Either hatchback. Craft services provided by Doug "The Fork" O'Rouke.