Thursday, February 6, 2014

How To Make Sure You Will Not Be Embarrassed After You Die.

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I think about death quite a bit. Sometimes it gets to the point where I won't leave the house for an entire day for I will think to myself,  "Hey Candice, you know if you go out today, there's a possibility that you may die." I understand it's a little much but fact of the matter is, it's true. Yes of course I could croak in my apartment by perhaps choking on a baby carrot or somehow accidentally eating hair dye, but walking around Los Angeles is certainly more likely. On an average day I come close to being hit by a car at least twice because as I believe the case to be, LA drivers have this superhuman power where they can actually see through pedestrians. Either that or if they do see our kind, their brains don't quite register right away what this object is moving before them since it is not in the shape of a vehicle. Leisurely strolls are something to be found in dreams as I am always to be on a high alert while walking. I'm aware of the obvious fact that my death will occur at some point and there's nothing I can do about it. What perturbs the control freak of a woman I am is that I don't know when this event will take place. And there are many little things that could be overlooked; Loose ends that you don't tend to which may leave you with a bit of a strange reputation if they are to be noticed without explanation. I would prefer to have things in place before I were to leave this world in order to facilitate my need to maintain a good name. Let's say I were to be expecting company, my home would be tidy without the usual hot pink bra on the couch or all the glitter in the kitchen sink from making my boyfriend gifts coated in 8 layers of sparkle madness (poor guy). The house would smell like a giant Citrus Tango Yankee candle as opposed to it's recent putrid microwaved bacon aroma that my roommate is ever-so keen on. I would like it if there were a way to take the same approach when it comes to how my body were to be found once it decides it's going to expire. For all I know, I could die in my sleep wearing a Jem and the Holograms shirt and bicycle shorts with a massive poof for hair on my head. I have no idea and it will forever weigh on my mind. Hence why if I am to leave the house, there's no way I would do so wearing a pair of sneakers and sweat pants with vainglorious claims such as "#1 Princess of the World" printed on them.  The day I do that is the day a Prius mistakes me for a car lane and runs me down. Understandably. Nevertheless, with that being said, here are some pointers on how to NOT be embarrassed after you have dropped dead:

-Your social media photos should be bangin' because that's what's going to be on the 5 o'clock news. Back in the 90's when someone died, an immediate relative or significant other provided a polaroid of THEIR choice to the media. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my mother would be the one with this responsibility. Which would surely be a photo that she took with her disposable Walgreens camera under fluorescent lighting, with the flash on, where I am doing something unflattering like blowing out birthday candles or speaking. The most unpleasant photographs are those taken in mid-sentence where someone is saying "Don't take a picture of me!" My mother has albums filled with images like this. Why? Because she doesn't give proper advisory that she is about to take a photo. The woman is constantly holding a camera. If you know anyone who has peculiar pictures of you in their possession, you should seek them out and have them destroyed. If this person puts up a fight by saying "You look nice there. What are you talking about?" Do what one of my brother's friends from Queens would do: Kick them in the shin, take a photo of them on the floor screaming while grabbing their now painful shin and say "Oh yea, you look nice there too. You and your douchebag camera." Then go to the 7-11 and eat a Taquito. Only because this is a very post battle victory Guy from Queens thing to do.

-Tell someone really close to you to monitor the mortuary beautician. I know, this is extremely vain and all but if I'm going to be laid out on a display in front of the very same people I spent all my life getting dressed up and perfecting my hair for, there's no way in hell I'm going to go out with bad rouge, mauve lipstick and a velvet dress. I don't know if this comes along with some burial package: Updo, airbrush foundation, ivory casket, velvet dress but I do not want this package.