Saturday, February 13, 2016

How To Somewhat Enjoy Valentine's Day.


Note: This is another recycled holiday post from 2014.
Hey guys, guess what? Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Yes, time to make like you actually do like your "loved" one. Buy heart shaped things with heart shaped designs on them that are found inside of other heart shaped things, and probably a card too. But it also means that you should be on your best behavior and refrain from having any outbursts or unnecessary tantrums for an entire day. Here’s some greatly overlooked typical Valentine's Day issues that should be avoided: 

-When you take your bed partner out on Valentine’s Day, don’t go to the place where everyone is also taking their bed partner out on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to spend 45 minutes outside on a sidewalk while staring at happier couples with more in common inside eating food. People get really irritable when they’re hungry and you will hear, “We should’ve gone to the other place,” and “Remember when we were happy like THAT?!" You will then be a huge disappointment and also will not be having intercourse later. What you should do to avoid this is take your partner to someplace no one wants to go on Valentine's Day like a falafel truck outside of the DMV in Pacoima.  Or you can tell your woman, “We are staying in." That way you will be laying down the law and also be having sex instead of driving around the same two blocks in circles trying to find parking while not having sex.

-Don't be The Buzzkill Guy. There's always that one waste of a human life who mutters something like,  “Valentine’s Day is a corporate marketing scheme created in order to bring money into the blah blah blah I have no penis attached to my body blah blah."  If you go on these anti-romantic conspiracy theories, you should also say you've seen the Big Foot a bunch of times and that sometimes you are also a unicorn. Don’t be a dud. Just bite the bullet and venture off to the Rite Aid and spot the aisle that's filled with a bunch of confused dudes. Then buy the largest stuffed animal holding a velvet heart with feathers coming out of it and you will be good to go.

-Appreciate your girlfriend’s gift. You will receive something you never wanted in your life from your girlfriend. 99% guaranteed. You’ll be like, “Whoa, this is a really cool, uh, thing with some stuff on it.” Don’t say that. Say it’s beautiful. I’ve made boyfriends gifts out of cardboard and paint and sometimes when I didn't have paint, nail polish. Their homes started to look as if an 18 year old School of Visual Arts’ freshman came in, sat down and then exploded. So when you receive your weird gift know that she spent so much of her analytical girl brain obsessing over how perfect it had to be. Gift giving means a whole lot to girls. At least the ones I know. And everyone loves to feel appreciated so definitely make a, “HOLY SHIT WHOA THIS IS THE BEST” face as you try to decipher what it is you’re looking at.

-Don’t be the guy who gets roses from the Ralph’s supermarket.  Ralph’s is a great place for things like cookies. Ralph’s is not a good place for romance. Basically, this is how you know where you can buy roses from. Check it: Can you have sex in your home while on the phone with 1-800-Flowers? Yea I guess, right? Ok now, would it be a great experience to do it in the back of a Ralph’s? You might think, "Well yea, public places are cool." But the answer is no because if this were to happen, it would under bad Ralph's lighting in front of bad Ralph's employees and you will be stepping on a bunch of Pringle's Xtreme Screamin' Dill Pickle canisters and also mice. Therefore, don’t buy flowers from places you can’t have sex in.

- If you get chocolate for Valentine’s Day and you don’t like chocolate, don’t say, “But I don’t like chocolate.” You like chocolate now, motherfucker. Pretend you’re in an episode of some God awful series like Fear Factor and you’re going to win $10,000 and a Ford Focus if you eat the chocolate. Pipe down. At least you are alive. Some people aren’t. You whiny brat of an ingrate.

-Channel Billy Joel. That’s all you have to do because if anyone knows romance, it’s Billy Joel.  I have no idea how Billy Joel came out of Long Island because no one I dated from Long Island was that smooth. (Sorry guys Burger King drive-thru is not smooth.) The lyrics to ‘Tell Her About It’ are a pretty good example. Be fearless and speak. If you can’t do this throughout your relationship because you are an odd and emotionally constipated type of a person, at least jot down your feelings in a card once a year. I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate you but someone might. Tee hee.

All in all just try to have a nice Valentine's Day and don't complain too much. People make a big to-do when something doesn’t turn out “as planned”.  It’s far easier on your mind not to envision what could happen but just be grateful of all that has happened so far.  That you have this person in your life whom you can spend time with when a lot of people do not have anyone at all. It’s very hard to meet someone who you can fall in love with, get along with and also not be skeeved out by their naked body. At least for me.  So don’t ruin Valentine’s Day, or actually your relationship on any day, by getting all bent out of shape when you didn’t get the exact stuffed animal from the Rite Aid with the shit velvet heart with feathers shooting out of it for no reason or you end up at a DMV in Pacoima.