Monday, December 21, 2015

(Psst, this is from last year.) Tis The Season...?

I guess.

Being that I live in climate controlled Los Angeles, the only way I was made fully aware of this was upon purchasing a cup of Starbucks coffee, which was now red and featured a very happy, winking snowman in a top hat. I was perplexed at the time for I was also standing near a palm tree set amongst the backdrop of the bright, white sun while dripping a combination of sweat and SPF 45. The thought of Christmas fast approaching reactivated my once dormant anxiety. I imagined having to spend an inordinate amount of money as well as time asking people what they want, shopping for what they want, waiting in lines to buy what they want, wrapping what they want and then having to hang out with them to give them what they want. I then have a silent panic attack and go on to drink more coffee.

I decided to take some time out of my busy schedule of staring at my phone and styling my hair to compose a list of tips based on personal experiences and YouTube videos that I feel may increase the holiday joy for those of you this year. Ok great. Enjoy.

TIP #1: For all you shoppers to be this season, you should know that kids do not care about fashion unless this piece of fashion has their favorite cartoon character or super hero embedded on it somewhere really big so they can see it. If you get them a "cute outfit marked down from $75 that's so practical, oh-so warm and 100% Wool" you basically just bought the kids' mom a present and this is not fair. So please do not do this.

When I was a kid all I wanted were stuffed animals, real animals and action figures in the shape of animals. That's it, nothing else. If it was Christmas and I counted on you to contribute to my action figurine supply and you showed up with a big, rectangular box that with the word MACY*S on it, I was very mad and threw fits before each and every car ride to dinner at your house thereafter and also dried my hands on your show towels.

TIP #2: Please be parental and wake up earlier than your kids on Christmas day like you are supposed to, Mom.

As a child my mom would wake up later then all of us and make my brothers and I wait to unwrap gifts while she had her morning coffee and performed a full on make-up application. This gave me a lot of time to stare at my presents while attempting to decipher what the contents were. I would pick them up and feel around and if I felt anything weird like earrings I instantly got mad. Earrings were not Ninja Turtles so this Christmas was already a disappointment. I would also notice the label on the presents that read "From Santa" was in my mother's handwriting. Needless to say,  I knew there was no Santa since age 7 so thanks Mom for taking 45 minutes to put on mascara.
TIP #3: When reusing other people's things or past gifts, make sure you have removed the price tags and all other indications that these are not directly from an online store or the Glendale Galleria. These can be hidden quite well so make sure you do this in a well lit area. If you have the belief that hand me downs are great because you are like a human thrift store then do so carefully.

As I got older and my mother got broker I noticed that the majority of my gifts would come from yard sales or were recycled/rejected gifts from Christmases of yesteryear. On several occasions I received my interesting items of sorts in a misshapen Happy Birthday bag that still had a tag that read "To Kathy Love, Wanda". This could have been avoided if proper inspection was performed. Another red flag was when I was given a body mist/shower gel gift set with a peculiar name like "Secret Sensual Endless Peony Garden Daydream" which can not be purchased in any store known to mankind but only somehow from a yard sale.

These experiences early on in my life inspired me to reply to "What do you want for Christmas?" with simply "Money".

TIP #4: Tell everyone you want money and look them in the eye and repeat yourself and do not blink.

People hate giving money. Because you will then know that they are cheap. It is now way obvious. People are good at making believe they spent a lot of money by buying you things you have never heard of. They will go to the edge of the earth in the Promenade of Santa Monica to buy something so unnecessary that it is obviously rare because no one wants to reproduce something so unnecessary. Just to make you wonder how much it is. You can't even find the words to Google Shop it because it is undefinable. Then the gift giver feels educated and mystical because you are baffled. They will also feel sly because they spent $6.99 cash meanwhile you gave them a gift card to Pier 1 Imports for $150. These are not your friends. If they also are the types that send you mass texts then they are definitely not your friends. You should evacuate them from your social circle.

TIP #5: Do not attempt to buy the XBox One console while on sale. You will most likely die.

Black Friday arrives as our bodies are still in digestion mode. Some people camp out over night while in digestion mode. They do not have sufficient sleep. They are very irritable. Therefore, Black Friday can be dangerous. When people hear the words "Prices Have Been Slashed" a sociopathic switch goes off in their minds in which they then enter the realms of Battle Zone: Christmas Spectacular. Shoppers in festive turtlenecks and snuggly reversible scarves emerge from their Nissan Pathfinders and congregate into the arena of war that is the Walmart parking lot, ready and eager for full-on tactical combat. If you decide to venture into the madness to buy your friends a Keurig (make sure you buy the pods because if you don't you are an asshole) maybe wear a helmet. I've seen aftermath footage on Fox News of Black Friday and it is quite frightening. It is very similar to the scene in Natural Born Killers where Tommy Lee Jones' ravished, dead head is being pranced around on a stick. You are basically waiting to be released from behind a barricade along with 40,000 of the type of people who do strange things like wake up at 5 am on a Sunday "Just because" who will literally eat your arm while stepping on your head if you are within reach of the much coveted Nikon COOLPIX.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my list of tips for Holiday Season 2014. May you and everyone you know that you sort of maybe care about have a great holiday and get everything you desire that you will lose interest in after 15 minutes unless it's an iPhone. So definitely get an iPhone.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

How to Keep People From Moving Into Your Los Angeles Neighborhood the New York Way. WARNING: There are Two Selfies in This Post.

I've been hearing a lot of talk about how people who moved to Brooklyn from other parts of the country are now leaving and moving to Los Angeles. They are usually the people who say they are from Brooklyn. They are not.
Being that I'm from New York and have witnessed this occur there, I understand how this must suck to the locals. I know, I moved here from NYC too but I'm broke and won't raise the rents so who cares? Besides, I've got so much chill. Anyway, if you're a local and you're tired of this wave of dork invasion, here's some secret tips on how to get to these folks out of here the way my New York people did:

Walk out into the street whenever you feel like it- You are not a car, but you are in the street. This will perplex driver people. This is a very New York thing to do that probably has made quite a few people who came from other parts of the country very confused upon first witnessing. Now that they're in LA and have to start driving, "people darting," will easily anger these newbs. Don't even walk straight across the street, walk diagonally. Throw them off.  And take your time. It's always a nice summer day in LA, why not take a stroll?

Double park- Can't find a spot in LA? Don't worry. With double parking, everyplace is a spot.  Just be sure to put on your hazards so that people know you will eventually move your vehicle and that it doesn't need to be towed. Take your time, and if the driver who comes back to find himself blocked in starts honking, just yell, "Fuck you, you horse's ass" or "Pipe down, you low-life prick bastard" really loud at that person for allowing his car to make such a scene.

Tell Everyone It's the Wrong Month- When it's holiday season, tell people it's July. They'll believe you. What'll happen is these shitty kids will forget to get presents for their parents, who pay for their apartment. Their family will discuss this in full at the big back home Christmas dinner and that one opinionated, twice divorced fat aunt will chime in and tell them to stop financially supporting their kids. The parents will then become resentful, feeling like pushovers and take the advice of people who they feel are looking out for them. This is manipulative, I know! But then no one could afford to live at the Dylan condominium on Santa Monica and La Brea and it'll eventually turn back in to a Carl's Jr. which is THE WAY THAT CORNER WAS MEANT TO BE.

Hang up Aluminum Foil in Your 3rd Story Window-  Someone told me this was a really powerful method for blocking out the sun. Then someone else told me about meth heads. Oopsies, had no idea cuz sober.  So to make shit cute, I took it upon myself to create a Meth Head Portrait Studio. Here's some Disco hair and New Wave hair portraits that serve no purpose:

Really great. Anyway, it looks pretty absurd and also blinding from the outside. Which is awesome because it'll keep people who were really obsessed with Breaking Bad to the point of tweeting relentlessly about Breaking Bad two years ago from moving into your building. 

Turn Your Corner Into a Bodega- But don't have air conditioning, only an oscillating metal floor fan that gets stuck and clicks a whole lot. Sell 3 year old Sriracha and lime powdered almonds and once melted, now hardened and misshapen mini tootsie rolls. Neatly arrange rolls of $.99 toilet paper and Tide detergent boxes for your window display. Address your customers as "Ey, Guy" and "Boss" and thank them for their patronage by saying, "Have a good one, pal!" from within your plexiglass cube.

Sit... Everywhere- See something a bit off the ground that doesn't belong to you? Go ahead and sit on it. Whether it be someone's stoop, someone's cooler, someone's radiator, someone's window, or just someone, just go and place yourself on it.

Have Block Parties- There's only so many blocks in LA and usually cars need to get on them, so go ahead and close off your street and have a party on it instead. Hire a local DJ, get an inflatable bounce house and a ball pit too for all the neighborhood kids and place them right on Sunset and Cahuenga at peak party hours, which usually coincide with that of rush hour traffic. Your neighbors will love the essence you bring of strong community.

Tell Your Neighbors Way Too Much Personal Stuff- Speak candidly within the first five minutes of meeting your new neighbor. Go ahead and tell them all about the substance abuse issues you had in the late 90's. Go into detail about your current legal battle(s). Let them know the guy in the second floor apartment sells his Adderall to the landlord.  Make sure you knock on their door every night and talk about these things and more in length and have a hard time leaving. 

Find a Bridge and Throw a Rave Under It- No bridge in LA? That's ok, just throw a rave under anything. Carport? Put a rave in it. The one subway station? Put a rave in it. People that lived in Brooklyn in 2000 definitely went to raves and probably have some psychedelic trauma from them. Go ahead and ignite that trauma with a good old fashioned fun, glow in the dark rave.

If none of these tips seem to be working, use this high-powered technique which was mentioned in another one of my posts, this one.

-Just Go All Out-. Every Sunday you should play a lot of La Mega 97.9 FM very early in the morning. Also, get a jack hammer and fix "potholes" that weren't ever there in front of the house. Above all the noise, have a conversation with your neighbor two blocks away from one another about how they raised the price of 2% milk at the Stop N' Shop. Be infuriated. Then walk somewhere and come back and complain about at least 4 things that happened on your walk. They should probably be about "the drivers out here." That'll really deliver an authentic essence of the 5 Boroughs.

Those are my tips on how to get people out of your Los Angeles neighborhood. I wish you success in your efforts to keep your rent at nice, reasonable rate so that you don't have to relocate to wherever shitty, affordable place these people came from.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Why I Don't Text Guys First and Lots of Other Stupid Things.

I'm watching Singles for the 900th time today. Everyone has to see this movie and I promise you after you do, you will watch it roughly around that many times as well because it is that good. It came out in 1992 and is set in the Seattle grunge scene and goes into the stories of several, obviously, single people. Although they didn't have iPhones or dating apps or really nothing to save numbers and information in except for a Casio data bank watch, I can still identify with it tremendously. Especially with the Bridget Fonda character. This romantic idealist, filled with hope but for the wrong person. There's a scene where she wants to call the guy she's in love with after he stands her up. She teeters back and forth from trying to convince herself that men like to be called and then wondering if calling him would have her appearing desperate. Later on she realizes that he's just shitty and that she should just be by herself since being alone is so much fun. She ends up doing such cool stuff in her spare time alone like painting the legs of her chair green and eating a salad. And she's so happy! Anyway, with that being said, I never contact guys for similar reasons. I think this stemmed from the one time I called a guy first when I was 17. He answered the phone, and I was so psyched. That is until he said, "Hi Candice, I'm at a wake." I immediately became plagued with cringe ridden regret yet also wondered why in God's name he had a cell phone in 1999 and not a beeper. So nowadays I have this overwhelming fear that all guys are at wakes at all times and that I probably shouldn't bother them. Instead, I just wait for them to contact me which is probably really stupid? I mean, I could be super into a guy and I'll just wait around and paint objects and figure if he doesn't text me, he's just not interested. Anyway, as I was just zoning out, staring at this movie eating a Luna bar, I started thinking, "What could be worse than that? Wait a sec, what kind of maniac answers the phone at a wake? What a maniac, man. This Luna Bar kind of tastes like a wall." Then I figured, someone's gotta come up with a modern day version of this movie. And it's not gonna be me because I don't want to be another asshole in LA sitting at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf off Fairfax writing and discussing my screenplay at that one giant table by the bathroom. Instead, I'll just compile a list of ridiculous things I would never ever do while waiting for a guy to call me even though they could be really funny if I did them. Okay cool, here we go:

Be Upfront:
Text him, "Hey cutie, what happened to that relationship we were supposed to have?" We know how much guys love relationships and they especially love commitment. They'll appreciate your honesty in regards to your high expectations. Let him know that's what you wanted.  If you really want to increase your chances, download that app that morphs faces together and show him what your kid would look like. Then tell him you drew it. Creative girls are sexy so expect lots of sex after that.

Be Real Chill and Hang Out:
Haven't heard from him? No bigs, just go hang out in his favorite cafe, place of employment, yard.
Guys forget easily so it's good if you just place yourself in plain sight so they can remember you. When you see him, go ahead and run, not walk up to him and say, "I knew you'd be here eventually. I've been waiting here for two days. Nice yard." And now that you've spotted your desired one, it's time to...

Woo Him:
Sing him popular songs like "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. But only the African back-up part. Be all like, "Ee yah yaaaaah. Yah yah yah yah. Doopa da da da da da da da yah yah." Just like that. Look directly at him and don't blink at all throughout your love-professing ballad. Guys like confidence, I've read that in lots of blogs. You'll make him conjure up images of John Cusack with a giant boombox and he'll really love you for your efforts and knowledge of bitchin' 80's classics.

Utilize Your Apps:
Go on his Instagram and like all of the photos of his you haven't liked yet. Even though he hasn't texted you back in a year. This'll show your dream guy you don't hold grudges. Guys love cool, calm chicks. And people get really happy when you like their photos on Instagram. Double win.

Utilize Another App:
Post Passive Aggressive Facebook statuses in the shape of bitter love songs. Remember when you'd have to call your favorite radio station and dedicate a song for someone? Now with social media, you can be your own disc jockey! Post a song about a break-up and the excruciating agony associated with it. The lyrics should be along the lines of, "I've cried 19 times today so far and it's only 1pm," or "I can't breathe good without you," or maybe, "I see your face everywhere that I go and my floor even looked like you a little bit so I cried on it." That way he knows where you're coming from, melodically.

Post a Photo of You in This Chair on the Internet:

Sup, dudes.

Overthink Everything and Do the Wrong Thing After:
You're still wondering why he hasn't called? Okay, great! Now think of every possible thing that could've gone wrong and discuss it openly with your crush via text. Make sure you do this no earlier than 2am and after you had copious amounts of caffeine so your imagination is in full swing. Sabotage whatever you could've had and when that's over, go and not think at all and hook-up with someone you just met at a goth club. You've learned that fear destroyed your potential relationship so go ahead and don't have any more of that lingering around in your life. Fear is the devil's way of saying, "Hi, don't use me to fuck up your relationship, but definitely use me with normal stuff."

Yeah, for sure don't do those things. Although I'm guilty of 1.5 of those above mentioned God-awful recommendations. I know, right? I'm thinking that maybe I should change my stance with the way I handle communication by going out on a limb and striking up a conversation with someone I actually like. If not, I may end up with an ex I had zero passion with and convince myself to stay in it by thinking, "No, this is good. Being with him is like being alone, together." Which is another line from the oh-so amazing Singles. That is nice and all, but you have to have some sort of emotion for somebody. Or else you're just settling and no one wants to do that. I'll just have to be sure to begin my text with, "Hey. U at a wake?"

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

When OCD and Shopping Collide

Ah, shopping. A fun activity to help take your mind off of situations that got you down, hence the term, "Retail Therapy.”  Shopping can make you feel as if you are building a better you; one slight addition to your wardrobe and you can completely change your look and bring some good ol' confidence back into your life. Yet for some, like those with the indecisive mind much like myself, a typical day of shopping can go like a little like this:

"Oh whoa, this top’s cute, I need it."
"Wait, no I don't."
"Do I?"
"What if I don’t buy it?"
"Shit, someone else might get it if I don’t."
"Then it’ll be gone. Forever."
"Okay fine, I'll just buy it."

The Following Day:
"Wait, why did I buy this dumb ugly thing?  I’m never going to wear it."

Ah, yes. Shopping.

With impulsive shopping comes the inevitable:
The Return.

The Return is a hobby. And my logic is- it’s a job. I make an effort, I am present, and in the end, I receive money.

Okay, clearly I'm aware that I am being refunded money. Yet the fact of the matter is, there is more money in my Chase account after the return than there was this morning. Therefore, I am earning money. This also eases the guilt that comes along with spending and purchasing overpriced material items. As a result, I am working on my days off and being frugal. Honestly, this isn't exactly fun. If I don’t put the effort into bringing back whatever useless thing I bought, the receipt will go missing and the 14-day return policy will expire, leaving me with more junk. Junk which will soon multiply and become clutter. Clutter that will make you feel inclined to start an eBay account or have a yard sale. All things that require so much effort. So for those intense moments of do or die purchasing, I’ve come up with strategies in order to avoid working a second “job” and having to deal with a lump of rejected clothes. Here’s some tactics I try to utilize whenever I enter the depths of the Shopper Center:

-Take Photos and Torment Your Friends with Your Meaningless Dilemmas:
If time permits, I will take photos of the items in question and send each of them to my very close, non-judgmental pals asking for extremely urgent, emergency level advice. One of my good friends does this as well. Here’s his, “Which Shoe Should I Mail Back to Amazon?" pic that came into my phone in a time of serious and dire straits:

I was very empathetic of his plight, for I had found myself in a similar predicament only a few days earlier when I thought I could make room in my life for a yellow plaid skirt. He quickly reminded me that I should probably never make room for that, and he was indeed correct. Therefore, I owed him. His intention initially was to keep one pair, yet in the end, he kept both. Why? Because he asked indecisive me, that’s why.

Shop Safe:
That’s why I now shop safe. When I say safe, I mean I buy clothes in the way I would buy water bottles in bulk from a Costco prior to a major weather epidemic. I will buy the same tank top, in the same color, 4 more times. Why? God forbid it gets lost, wrinkled, or it’s in the laundry bin when I really want to wear it. I now have several back-up versions of the one thing I actually like. If I am fond of something I also make it a thing to purchase it in every color available.
Case in point, same skirt, two colors:
I liked this skirt so much so that I wanted to wear it everyday. Which was pretty inconvenient being that it meant I couldn’t go to the same place two days in a row.  Not good, since I clearly despise change. Then I came up with the master plan of buying it in more than one color. Bam, problem solved.

Put Item in Question On Hold:
Put it on hold and slowly walk away from it. See if you miss it when you’re gone. If you forget about it, it wasn’t worth it and now you can move on. Treat it in a similar fashion to the way you would with some iffy dude on a first date. Are you going to go home with a guy who has a sort of cute face but you’re not entirely sure because he has a 90’s goatee in the way? Probably not, right? You see, you don’t necessarily need to go home with it and wake up the next day confused as shit because it’s not your type. And the cool thing is, you can put it aside and it won’t leave with someone else because it is stuck behind the counter with your name on it.

With all that being said, now you know how to shop safely and with less fear of loss. Truth of the matter is, buying stuff you don't need is one giant hassle. You should never be so overwhelmed that the act of ridding these things from your possession is more grueling of a task then accumulating them. Here's the thing: If you’re not going to love it and feel great with it in your life, why bother? You should be proud of everything you’ve earned that way in the end, you will be content with the life you created for yourself. I got real deep there over clothes, but if I didn't you might've been stuck being "That Chick Who Keeps Having All the Yard Sales."

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Candice's Makeup Reviews

Too Faced- "Better Than Sex" mascara:

A beauty implement that's better than intimacy with another human being?! No fricken way! I had to try it. Sadly though, it's mascara and not a penis. I don't know, maybe I've just had really good sex or something but I just don't see what the big deal is. I'm no marketing expert but a less understated name would've been more appropriate. Ok, let me help the people over at Too Faced cosmetics because I love their bronzer and I don't wanna play them like that. I'm thinking, "Maybe Not Better Than Sex Because That's Not Even Close To What Mascara Is Because Mascara Is Not Sex What You Probably Meant To Say Was Better Than Other People's Mascara" mascara. I don't know if they can fit all that on the travel size version so that may not work.
I mean, if you have to remain all erotic about your mascara, Too Faced, may I suggest this for a name:
Better Than Anal.
That's perfect because mascara is definitely better than that.


Benefit- "They're Real" mascara:

I know, I'm an avid fan of mascara. Check it out though, this mascara's cool because it comes with a thing that looks like an actual medieval mace at the tip. Which is great in case you to were ever find yourself in a situation were you have to fight off foot soldiers in your village but couldn't fit your sword in your purse. Pro Tip: If you're using it for your lashes and not for dueling, make sure you don't apply too many coats because what happens is you will have one really wide lash. My mother would do this with her mascara all the time, and she would use a blue tint. So not only did she have blue eyelashes in the 80's, she would have one big giant blue eyelash in the 80's, so be careful.

Nars Blush.

You guys think this is just blush, right? Innocent, cheekbone defining blush. Until you stumble upon these awesome shade names, "Orgasm", "Deep Throat" and also, "Super Orgasm."


Ok, here's the thing: You can stop now. Sex things are sex things, makeup things are makeup things. No matter how well this facial highlighter would illuminate my complexion, let's face it; it's named after the act of a penis being as far into one's mouth as humanly possible. All I want is to have a nice, rosy flush to my cool toned face. And that is ALL.

Hi so those are my makeup reviews.