Thursday, April 16, 2015

Candice's Makeup Reviews

Too Faced- "Better Than Sex" mascara:

A beauty implement that's better than intimacy with another human being?! No fricken way! I had to try it. Sadly though, it's mascara and not a penis. I don't know, maybe I've just had really good sex or something but I just don't see what the big deal is. I'm no marketing expert but a less understated name would've been more appropriate. Ok, let me help the people over at Too Faced cosmetics because I love their bronzer and I don't wanna play them like that. I'm thinking, "Maybe Not Better Than Sex Because That's Not Even Close To What Mascara Is Because Mascara Is Not Sex What You Probably Meant To Say Was Better Than Other People's Mascara" mascara. I don't know if they can fit all that on the travel size version so that may not work.
I mean, if you have to remain all erotic about your mascara, Too Faced, may I suggest this for a name:
Better Than Anal.
That's perfect because mascara is definitely better than that.


Benefit- "They're Real" mascara:

I know, I'm an avid fan of mascara. Check it out though, this mascara's cool because it comes with a thing that looks like an actual medieval mace at the tip. Which is great in case you to were ever find yourself in a situation were you have to fight off foot soldiers in your village but couldn't fit your sword in your purse. Pro Tip: If you're using it for your lashes and not for dueling, make sure you don't apply too many coats because what happens is you will have one really wide lash. My mother would do this with her mascara all the time, and she would use a blue tint. So not only did she have blue eyelashes in the 80's, she would have one big giant blue eyelash in the 80's, so be careful.

Nars Blush.

You guys think this is just blush, right? Innocent, cheekbone defining blush. Until you stumble upon these awesome shade names, "Orgasm", "Deep Throat" and also, "Super Orgasm."


Ok, here's the thing: You can stop now. Sex things are sex things, makeup things are makeup things. No matter how well this facial highlighter would illuminate my complexion, let's face it; it's named after the act of a penis being as far into one's mouth as humanly possible. All I want is to have a nice, rosy flush to my cool toned face. And that is ALL.

Hi so those are my makeup reviews.