Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Hi, I Went on a Tangent on a Book About "Love"

Hi, this is old. 


As a person with an endless desire to think about everything, I've come to realize that many of us tend to speak to those we have feelings for in riddles, as methods of communication are becoming more and more impaired. Heartbroken? Upload a YouTube video with the word "damaged" somewhere in the song title onto Facebook and have your former love decode the meaning. Did a guy dump you and you never got the opportunity to explain your stance? Post an angry tweet to an audience of followers you bought and hope that maybe one day he'll read it. Sadly, a majority of people do not speak directly to another person to convey their feelings or even treat another kindly if it means they could wind up wounding their pride in the process. It seems as if speaking to the one we claim to love revolves around manipulation, using passive aggressive tactics and even displaying a cold demeanor. I can't grasp this logic since I possess this fun thing called "empathy" which enables me to understand and feel for even the most difficult of people. Leading my friends and family who care about me, to upgrade that extent of caring to a high risk state of worrying about me. When it comes to the way I've handled my relationships, I've gotten some shitty reviews. "You're too nice," is a typical reaction. "I'd tell him to fuck off," is another popular selection. "If he's going to follow other girls on (insert social media network here), go and follow other guys instead of bitching about it." I know they mean well with their opinions but I can't take this advice. All I want in the end is affection and trust. So why on Earth would I go about destroying any chances of that by showing someone early on that I can not be trusted? And besides, Super Personal Alert:



Friday, October 14, 2016

How to Make People Think You're Not Goth When You Actually Probably Look Really Goth

Ever have those days where you're with your friend and she makes a Snapchat with you and writes the caption, "This is my goth friend!" Or other times when you post a photo of yourself online and someone leaves a comment like, "Are you pale like that for real or just anemic?" Have you ever found yourself just sitting around, thinking things like, "If I had Katy Perry's face and hair, I'd make way better music," or "Why isn't there a synthesizer in this place?" or perhaps even something like, "Where is my Sisters of Mercy shirt?" Well, maybe you had no idea, but you're goth. Since I've gone back to my natural hair color of dark brown yet also maintained my preference for wearing a ton of black, I've been getting the goth thing a lot. I really don't find myself putting in the extra effort but I guess it just happens when I'm left to my own devices and I dress myself? But I mean, if you really think about it, wearing all black is so easy! You don't have to worry about patterns and matching and all together, thinking that much at all! The most concentration required when I'm getting ready is making sure my wing-tipped eyeliner is the same length on both sides of my eyes, and this usually takes 60 minutes to successful complete because I hate asymmetry but also drink lots of caffeine and have shaky hands. I'm not committed to the idea of labels and there's been many times when I'm dressed rather loudly or even in shiny pants, but for the most part, I don't feel comfortable without a stitch of black on. And I've been that way since I was 13 years old. I've been told that this could have a lot to do with not allowing people to engage with me. I can see that as true. Sometimes I just want to run some errands and not have conversations with strangers. Maybe wearing all black is a people-repellant? Regardless, it doesn't always work and there are times when people approach me anyway and say things like, "It's 2pm and you're in Los Angeles. Why are you wearing a trenchcoat?" or "Were you in the Matrix?" And that's very annoying because all I'm doing is trying to get a sandwich. As an anti-confrontational, avoidant personality type who is resistant to change and criticism, I like to come up with easy ways to continue to dress the way I do but also remain lovable and understood. So with that being said, here's a list of situations where you're totally going to stand out if you choose your all black route, and how to get away with it:

Outdoor Functions-
Oh no, whats this? You get invited to go on a picnic, a hike, or some sort of outdoor related activity? You're fucked. I'm pretty sure in those situations you're supposed to wear a lot of color, because it's taking place in the daytime. But do what I do and wear all black anyway. And if anyone looks stunned or weirded out, just say, "Black attracts the sun. And I want to get tan!" Then go ahead and have a good ol' chuckle and frolic, but keep that shit short. Also, don't mention that you piled on 4 thick coats of SPF 70 moisturizer and also titanium dioxide powder.

Outdoor Functions with Little Cute Nephews-
You went on another outdoor activity but with your nephews. Perfect kind of stuff to add to your social media. But whoops, you wore all black. This might look kind of strange. Here's what you do:
Don't buy new clothes and take more photos, just super-impose clothes from Google images onto your old clothes.




























See. Now none of your followers will be wondering if you just got back from taking your nephews to a Depeche Mode Convention. Yes, this takes time but here's some MATH for you: this stupid green dress costs $250. For the average person, that's like 2-2.5 full days or 16-20 hours of actual work. And you'll wear this dress out, take a picture of it, post in online, and then you can't wear it again because people will talk about you and say things like, "God, does she always wear that dress?!" and "Homegirl needs to go shopping." You can wear the same black dress as much as you want but you can't rock the green thing and be known as "the chick who always wear green." That's just absurd. And besides, you just spent out of your monthly budget, told yourself it was a "splurge" (which is term used during the phase of denial to make your shopping habit sound feminine and cute) and with that $250, you could've bought like two skirts and a probably about 4,000 shirts from Forever21. Just learn Adobe Photoshop and give yourself a nice, job handy skill.

When 80s New Wave Happens in the Pharmacy-
Rite Aid has been playing some pretty good music lately. When you go into the Rite Aid pharmacy and they're playing "Close to Me" I know you want to, but don't make a big shit out of it. I know, I know, you want to start singing along or at least dancing a little because you can't help it. But also because if you appear as if don't care and you're from the 90s and called people a poser when you were 16, you'll have the, "Do I look like poser right now?" complex. Hold it in. Make people think you are just over that song because it's played out. Then you're cool again.

You Get Invited to a Non-Goth Dude's House-
And that's cool but, what's this? He's a got a no shoes policy? Uh oh. You know what that means? Now you have to expose your SOCKS. And we all know what kind of socks goths have- Halloween socks. This is the only non-black thing on our person! Bright green and orange with black stripes and giant jack-o-lanterns and cats and bats and witches and half moons, all at once, embedded on them. Then you have to take your socks off but your toe nail polish is the darkest red of all time. Now what? Chop off your feet?  Nope! That'll just make the situation way more goth and stop thinking because it'll only get more goth from there so tell him you need your shoes on for medical reasons and how you read an article on Facebook about how wearing shoes for most of the day prevents arthritis in your knees. You've just said so many nonsensical things at one time, he'll lose interest in listening to you and move on to show you his collection of weird dude knick knacks. Because all dudes have weird dude knick knacks. And they're always figurines of characters from the Stars Wars franchise, Bobbleheads and/or statues of African Safari animals that they have never encountered in real life. Because some men only desire what they can't possess, right? Next topic.

Don't Kind of Quote Nick Cave-















Just did. Oops.

The Non-Goth Dude Wants to Come Over to Your Place-
And that's great but now you have to figure out if you want to explain your Rocky Horror Picture Show themed room, pink glitter skeletons dangling from the ceiling, ceramic skull heads, your black bedsheets and comforter set, Ouija board, and why you have so many wrought iron candlesticks. This might be too much. You can always keep the lights off and use your iPhone flashlight to guide you to your room. But he'll either be onto you even more or he'll think you couldn't afford your power bill this month and that you're financially irresponsible. And no one wants to look like they're too destitute to not pay the power bill. So do what I do and get a roommate. Then tell the non-goth dude that your roommate is always home. Bingo! No guy wants to come over when the roommate is home.  That's just uncomfortable and awkward and all sorts of stuff. So do that and just go to his house and continue to figure out what baseball players those Bobbleheads were modeled after.

So that's that. I'm sure there's many other situations that I haven't touched on where you can't wear black such as working at a Starbucks where you're required to wear shades reminiscent of all things related to coffee but that's absolutely NUTS and you shouldn't work there. I think if this problem continues, we should all just move to New York where no one cares because your daytime outfit can always double as your nighttime outfit and it's completely acceptable. Just keep it somewhat sophisticated and don't look like you just used up a $500 gift card at the Hot Topic with weird shit like ball chain necklaces and any tee shirts of bands formed post 1989 such as My Chemical Romance. Eek.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

How To Somewhat Enjoy Valentine's Day.


Note: This is another recycled holiday post from 2014.
Hey guys, guess what? Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Yes, time to make like you actually do like your "loved" one. Buy heart shaped things with heart shaped designs on them that are found inside of other heart shaped things, and probably a card too. But it also means that you should be on your best behavior and refrain from having any outbursts or unnecessary tantrums for an entire day. Here’s some greatly overlooked typical Valentine's Day issues that should be avoided: 

-When you take your bed partner out on Valentine’s Day, don’t go to the place where everyone is also taking their bed partner out on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to spend 45 minutes outside on a sidewalk while staring at happier couples with more in common inside eating food. People get really irritable when they’re hungry and you will hear, “We should’ve gone to the other place,” and “Remember when we were happy like THAT?!" You will then be a huge disappointment and also will not be having intercourse later. What you should do to avoid this is take your partner to someplace no one wants to go on Valentine's Day like a falafel truck outside of the DMV in Pacoima.  Or you can tell your woman, “We are staying in." That way you will be laying down the law and also be having sex instead of driving around the same two blocks in circles trying to find parking while not having sex.

-Don't be The Buzzkill Guy. There's always that one waste of a human life who mutters something like,  “Valentine’s Day is a corporate marketing scheme created in order to bring money into the blah blah blah I have no penis attached to my body blah blah."  If you go on these anti-romantic conspiracy theories, you should also say you've seen the Big Foot a bunch of times and that sometimes you are also a unicorn. Don’t be a dud. Just bite the bullet and venture off to the Rite Aid and spot the aisle that's filled with a bunch of confused dudes. Then buy the largest stuffed animal holding a velvet heart with feathers coming out of it and you will be good to go.

-Appreciate your girlfriend’s gift. You will receive something you never wanted in your life from your girlfriend. 99% guaranteed. You’ll be like, “Whoa, this is a really cool, uh, thing with some stuff on it.” Don’t say that. Say it’s beautiful. I’ve made boyfriends gifts out of cardboard and paint and sometimes when I didn't have paint, nail polish. Their homes started to look as if an 18 year old School of Visual Arts’ freshman came in, sat down and then exploded. So when you receive your weird gift know that she spent so much of her analytical girl brain obsessing over how perfect it had to be. Gift giving means a whole lot to girls. At least the ones I know. And everyone loves to feel appreciated so definitely make a, “HOLY SHIT WHOA THIS IS THE BEST” face as you try to decipher what it is you’re looking at.

-Don’t be the guy who gets roses from the Ralph’s supermarket.  Ralph’s is a great place for things like cookies. Ralph’s is not a good place for romance. Basically, this is how you know where you can buy roses from. Check it: Can you have sex in your home while on the phone with 1-800-Flowers? Yea I guess, right? Ok now, would it be a great experience to do it in the back of a Ralph’s? You might think, "Well yea, public places are cool." But the answer is no because if this were to happen, it would under bad Ralph's lighting in front of bad Ralph's employees and you will be stepping on a bunch of Pringle's Xtreme Screamin' Dill Pickle canisters and also mice. Therefore, don’t buy flowers from places you can’t have sex in.

- If you get chocolate for Valentine’s Day and you don’t like chocolate, don’t say, “But I don’t like chocolate.” You like chocolate now, motherfucker. Pretend you’re in an episode of some God awful series like Fear Factor and you’re going to win $10,000 and a Ford Focus if you eat the chocolate. Pipe down. At least you are alive. Some people aren’t. You whiny brat of an ingrate.

-Channel Billy Joel. That’s all you have to do because if anyone knows romance, it’s Billy Joel.  I have no idea how Billy Joel came out of Long Island because no one I dated from Long Island was that smooth. (Sorry guys Burger King drive-thru is not smooth.) The lyrics to ‘Tell Her About It’ are a pretty good example. Be fearless and speak. If you can’t do this throughout your relationship because you are an odd and emotionally constipated type of a person, at least jot down your feelings in a card once a year. I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate you but someone might. Tee hee.

All in all just try to have a nice Valentine's Day and don't complain too much. People make a big to-do when something doesn’t turn out “as planned”.  It’s far easier on your mind not to envision what could happen but just be grateful of all that has happened so far.  That you have this person in your life whom you can spend time with when a lot of people do not have anyone at all. It’s very hard to meet someone who you can fall in love with, get along with and also not be skeeved out by their naked body. At least for me.  So don’t ruin Valentine’s Day, or actually your relationship on any day, by getting all bent out of shape when you didn’t get the exact stuffed animal from the Rite Aid with the shit velvet heart with feathers shooting out of it for no reason or you end up at a DMV in Pacoima.