Aries: You're pretty funny and outgoing. That is until you are angered, in which you then retaliate like a contempuous lover from hell. This is frightening. You will tweet/say things without thinking and sometimes throw things at people and/or walls. But you are funny and that makes up for it! (Just saying that so you won't throw anything at me.)
Taurus: You like living the same life every day. You need routine or else you explode. You are really good at establishing credit so you can eventually live in a co-op. When you find a partner, you cling to your partner. Inside of your co-op. You are really good at being normal, productive and having actual committed relationships. All of you are married right now.
Gemini: You post way too much shit on social media. No one finds you nearly as interesting as you do. You livestream videos of absolutely nothing and I have to get a notification about it and it's one big bother.
Cancer: Get out of the house. Please. When I am outside in public, I am nowhere near a Cancer person because this is outside in public and not inside of a home. They are the reason for Postmates and all forms of delivery services. If you see a Cancer outside of their house, you are on the same level as someone who has said that they have seen mermaid people.
Leo: You take approximately two hours to style your hair, four times a day. You are the reason why there are hairdryers at the gym. If you ran the planet, there would be hairdryers in all public bathrooms and also everywhere (I'm a Leo and I have a hairdryer in my bag right now. Hi.)
Just deeply disturbed some Virgos.
Libra: Like Leo, you are quite vain. You really think you're the cutest thing to ever hit planet Earth. You truly believe that nail art is in fact, art. You love the concept of love and are a romantic idealist but because you are overly cute, you attract superficial people who lack depth. You are way too nice but also too much. You also cry a whole lot and this scares people away and so your love life is often tragic and unfulfilled.
Scorpio: I like you. You are non-irritating and like to be left alone like me. Thank you.
Sagittarius: Hey, you guys TALK A WHOLE LOT and repeat the SAME STORIES as if you have story time dementia. Phew. Sags are very jovial though and this is nice for this is rare. The girls seem chill and happy with life. They should keep this trait by avoiding dating in Los Angeles where their soul will be eaten alive.
Capricorn: Every Capricorn you know is working right now.
Aquarius: Bad ass of all the signs. Aquarius women don't feel the need for cosmetics. When in the rare case they do, they will apply eyeliner. And that eyeliner will remain there for 4 days because who cares. They like to have a lot of freedom and listen to The Doors a whole lot. Most Aquarians are high right now.
Pisces: You're highly creative but from what my ex said about a girl he once hooked up with, you're a pathological liar and did a lot of cocaine and maybe sold it...? You have high cheekbones and are typically attractive. Highly intuitive, I guess. I dated a Pisces guy for 5 years and he could read everyone's bullshit. But he also liked going to guido clubs in Merrick, Long Island so we didn't last. Hi Doug.